if your DP wanted to move back to his mother's house with you and your baby to save for a deposit instead of renting at age 35

[ginger2025]

What would you think of this?

This isn't in an Asian country, this is in a UK/US context.

Happening to a relative of mine who is moving back to his mum's house from abroad, with wife and child in tow. He is 35 this year. He said it is common nowadays, is that true?

Most of my friends don't have kids and I did the whole living with inlaws to save for a deposit thing when I was in my 20s (bought when I was 26 and DH 29). But we had no kids. Is this a move to multi-generational households?

Though i must say that that for this relative who is moving back with his mum who lives in America, a lot of the savings would be eroded by the cost of health insurance (1000 per month for a family) plus cost of running two cars compared to renting in his current country which like most of the developed world doesn't have such punitive healthcare costs. However this doesn't apply in the UK so I wonder why it is not more common for people in the UK (excluding those from cultures where multigenerational living is expected)?

I have made it clear to my adult children that they can't move back with partners/children, unless in an emergency. Like abuse, or severe ill health. But not because they are renting!

I am a bad Asian. And probably a bad person as well.

We’ve spent over £275,000 on rent and the goal posts for deposits and mortgage capacity just seem to get further and further away

So when do parents get to enjoy an empty nest? Never? Because we brought children into the world.🙄

People are judged. there were so many mumsnet threads about younger people who live at home (male and female) and how they should just get a flatshare. though it was more accepted for some younger people to live at home for a few years to save up a deposit. Very few people wanted to date a man who lived at home though.

Few mumsnetters seemed to want to live with their inlaws so i am a bit surprised at this thread. as of course this whole thing entails the wife living with the MIL. And in the MIL's house, so MIL's house, MIL's rules. At least if MIL was moving in with her son, it would still be the wife's house.

you’re a vehement supporter of single men still living with their parents Op.

im so curious re your MO for this thread!

I wouldn't say anything but I'd think if it was important to you to do this probably should have before having a child... I think taking a partner and baby home is a huge ask.
I am from London so fully understand young people , graduates, those in their twenties without family responsibilities staying at home to save for as long as necessary.

Can you not see the difference between never having left home and returning for a short time to save or as a stopgap?

Yes, apparently it's not enough that the op is fine with this, the rest of womankind should be cool about it too. I agree with the pp, it's reading less a general question and more and more like another mra whingefest.

not really. its just surprising to me that people support a married man moving in with his wife and child when presumably when he married her, this wasn't part of the package. But not a single man living with mum. At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings (so there is more flexibility regarding that).

It would make sense if they supported both or none. I would expect the latter as its the UK rather than Asia where it is more common.

Few Mumsnetters seemed to want to live with their in-laws? Since when? Mumsnet portrayal is skewed as threads often arise from very pissed-off wives who are on the rant. There are plenty of members out there who actually get on with/are indifferent to their in-laws.
If you dislike or can't get on with your mother-in-law, it's obviously a mega bad idea to move in to their home. But for those who do, it isn't some sort of MIL regime. Both sides generally realise a level of compromise is needed. Yes fights happen, but the important thing is how you resolve an issue.

I wouldn't move with my parents or inlaws unless it was super short term temporary. I would do everything to aboud it if i was single, but absolutley not with spouse snd kids.Thankfully I live in a place where rent is still manageable.

A single man living at home could have the same reasons. It takes an average of 7 years as a single person to save for a deposit while living with parents (3 years for couples). That is an average so could be longer for those in high COL areas.

So if a guy graduated at 22, I can quite imagine him being at home at 30 while still saving. It did take a year for us to buy our current flat.

My partner, I (both in our 40’s) and our 3 kids are about to move in with my dad to save for a deposit. We both owned properties with our exes, got together and rented for a few years, now we’re sick of it and want a place of our own! I don’t think it’s massively uncommon. A friend of mine in a similar situation did the same.

So no, you can’t see the difference.

But more to the point, why do you care?

He can do whatever the hell he likes but some/ most women would prefer men who have a proven record of being able to engineer a living situation away from his parents and their support.

But he hasn't engineered it if he has to move back at 35 with a child in tow? Surely living away from your family support means that you are able to sustain it, esp with a child?

Like its all very well saying you want to be with someone who is rich enough to afford housing from the get go but then its kinda contradictory if someone who has to move back at 35 with zero assets is 'a catch' cos its a stopgap.

At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings.
You are assuming he is saving. If he's never left home then he's probably too comfortable to leave, and therefore probably not saving. Which seems to be what a lot of single, not independent, men do. Spend on the now and not save for the future. That's the difference.

You said yourself that’s he’s moving back after living abroad. It makes sense to do that in the short term while you see the lay of the land and work out things like finding a good area.

Why do you care? Presumably his wife has agreed to this. It’s got nothing to do with you.

You keep saying you...like these would be my choices. I wouldn't have a kid with someone who I wasn't married to and without the stability of our own home to begin with.🤷

But, I can see why some would prefer aan who has lived away from his parents support.

It's okay that you don't understand that preference. Or that you think that preference is hypocritical. Nobody owes any other person a rejig of their preferences based on your particular feelings about fairness or unfairness.

I feel quite sorry for her as she had to share a hotel room with her MIL and DH and baby. I am not sure she agreed to that.

I would have thought no woman would agree to share a hotel room for a week with her MIL and DH in the same room but i was wrong. Not sure how much of this has her input.

At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings (so there is more flexibility regarding that).

OK. I think that you're a single man living with mum OP. And the rest of it all is window dressing.

I could be wrong. But i'm putting my money there.

Where has the hotel room come from? You were talking about this couple moving into his mother’s house, now they are suddenly in a hotel room.

i don't think men on mumsnet use the acronyms lol.

Honestly? I would be a little concerned that he wasn't yet on the property ladder at 35 but I know that view is unpopular on here.

It was something he did before when we were visiting another relative.

They shared a hotel room- this couple, his mother and their baby for a week. It was then i found out that they were going to move back home to live with his mum.

You asked if the wife agreed with it. I didn't think the shared hotel room with the MIL was her idea (the MIL spontaneously decided to take a holiday at the same time they had to visit the wife's grandfather) but they still did it.