if your DP wanted to move back to his mother's house with you and your baby to save for a deposit instead of renting at age 35

[ginger2025]

What would you think of this?

This isn't in an Asian country, this is in a UK/US context.

Happening to a relative of mine who is moving back to his mum's house from abroad, with wife and child in tow. He is 35 this year. He said it is common nowadays, is that true?

Most of my friends don't have kids and I did the whole living with inlaws to save for a deposit thing when I was in my 20s (bought when I was 26 and DH 29). But we had no kids. Is this a move to multi-generational households?

Though i must say that that for this relative who is moving back with his mum who lives in America, a lot of the savings would be eroded by the cost of health insurance (1000 per month for a family) plus cost of running two cars compared to renting in his current country which like most of the developed world doesn't have such punitive healthcare costs. However this doesn't apply in the UK so I wonder why it is not more common for people in the UK (excluding those from cultures where multigenerational living is expected)?

I rented with my partner for 7 years but we both moved back in with one of my relatives for 2 because it was easier to save for a mortgage deposit.
We did it with a dog but I'm not so sure I'd have done it if we had a child.
If it will work for you though I'd seriously consider it because it will help you in the future.
Forgot to mention we were late 20s.

But at the same time someone single and living outside and renting is totally likely to be moving back home at some point perhaps with you in tow.

So in the same position as the person living at home though hopefully the person living at home has more savings(if he has a job) and is in the position to move out if he actually wants to.

what is the point of moving out from under the wing of your parents if you have to go back again? wouldn't it have been an expensive experiment? Assuming you didn't want to live with your parents?

After DS2 finished uni he lived in a house share for 6 months, then moved in with DDIL and her parents so they could save for a house. Granted they were younger than 35 and didn’t have a child, but if they hadn’t have done what they did, they’d have never got a deposit together.

They bought a dooer upper so stayed with DDIL’s parents until it was ready to move into. Her parents have the patience of saints, and we’re forever grateful to them.

People living with parents while they save for houses is incredibly common.

they don't work in the UK. They were working and living in another country, the wife is british. I am not sure about the legal specifics but i understand for the wife, they will eventually shift her to the US entity. the husband not sure, i imagine so as it is an american company.

Well, no-one would be taking me back to their parent's house, I'd never agree to that.

But I think that you'd have to have a spectacularly passive approach to life to stay at home and make-do with the choices your parents made about where you lived through to the point were you are moving into a home with a life partner.

You can say that is't fair but attraction isn't an equal opportunities game.

Not sure how inter generational I would want to go but I have made it clear to my teens that that there will be no expectation for them to move out and they can stay here and save for a house if they want. Why move out into rented into probably a shit hole or excessive rent when them living here could benefit everyone.

It would be difficult. My house is too small to host a family of three for any amount of time, so I would be very reluctant. Even a couple would be hard. I would do it for my just my child though.

Yes but on the other hand i have read mumsnet threads where people have said they wouldn't date a man who lives with mum (...) Why are the responses different for a married man with a child vs a single man who lives at home with mum.
Well... the questions are different for a start. Although to be fair I wouldn't want to date a married man living with his mum either.

A married man living with mum is usually only using it as a stepping stone to save for his own house and will have a end date and a target sum. Trying to be responsible adult.
A single man could live with mum until he is 70. Usually mum still does the cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening, maybe even laundry. He is not necessarily saving for his own place either but spending all wages on fun, holidays, cars and clothing. Therefore not really a fully fledged grown up yet.

I can understand wanting to live with parents when first moving countries, in fact it makes great sense. You can get a better feel of work, house prices and locations before committing yourself. The question is whether there's a time limit they've given themselves, ie a year or 20.

It's common where I am in London.

I have immediate neighbours who have done it. Though they didn't have children when they moved back as a couple.

I have bumped into other people locally who live with one of their parents and kids.

The aim is for it to be short term but it has gone on for years for various reasons.

I also know people who have done it for short periods e.g. they have building work at their own home.

A single 35 year old still living with mum having never moved out would suggest a few things to me. None of them attractive.

A 35 year old moving back with his mum for a calculated amount of time (with or without a wife) because he wants to do some saving is a different kettle of fish.

I married my DH when he was abroad doing his masters (but he did live with his mum during his undergrad degree) at age 22. We did move back with his mum after being abroad and lived with his mum mostly because it took a year for me to get my visa and another year to get settled in jobs and then another year to actually buy a place without being gazumped.

BUT i must say that if i was single and had to choose, perhaps the 35 year old single man might not be so bad if he had saved a deposit so i can skip the whole living with parents stage and we can move out together comfortably.

Neither set of grandparents have a house large enough.
My grandmother would have had enough space bak in the day. Not sure DH would have loved the idea, but as neither of us have jobs near any relatives, so it never really came up as a possibility.

Because mums net is full of double standards.

We did exactly this, no regrets at all. Moved in with his parents for a year, saved everything for a decent deposit, bought a house much nicer than we would have been able to afford otherwise as first time buyers. Yes, I had a few... squabbles... with MIL-to-be, but it was worth it and they were very generous. No long lasting consequences thank God.

It’s fairly common in Asian cultures even with people living in US/UK for a long time. It is a great arrangement - creating a win-win situation for everyone involved.
I also know of an English family who bought a lovely house in London with their parents. The parents sold their Cornwall house to fund a large deposit and the children took out a small mortgage.

Absolutely! How many time I’ve read here “Go to your mums place” when a woman has a problem!

It’s a different situation.

Never having left home and still living with your parents as you did as a child is completely different to returning to your parents house as an adult.

I'd rather rent my entire life than move in with my MIL. And I am Asian!

The op is talking about an adult who has never left home, why would anyone on MN then advise them to go back to their mothers?

Isn’t a new thing.

I know a couple who had a young daughter and they lived with one set of parents as couldn’t afford their own place.

I know plenty of adults still living at home past 30 as well. It is shameful the state housing is in right now. Nobody should be working and unable to get a mortgage, buy a small property or even be priced out of renting

I think it is a very common situation, and I have made it clear to my adult children that they would be very welcome, with partners/children if it helps them out.

I have even suggested that rather than them trying to rent a family home, they take over my home and pay to rent a single room for me for a year or two, as it seems to make more sense to me than them sinking a fortune into renting a property while I sit around with empty rooms

Isn't the latter worse for you as a couple?

Being used to your own independence and then having to move back? At least with the whole 'having never left home', it could be that he spent many years studying for a PhD or is saving up a very large deposit ( i have a cousin who was basically mortgage free in his 30s cos he saved up such a large deposit from living at home until he was 30, though he did go abroad for university!)

As someone who rents with kids it’s horrible. If there’s a way out of it, I’d take it. If it was living with my inlaws. I’d take it.

They’ll be in a home faster if they can manage, thats a good thing imo.

Also I think it’s pathetic that people are still being judged for living at home as adults especially with how expensive everything is right now.
It’s depressing that these attitudes still exist. Two of the nicest adults I know are still at home. They just can’t afford on their own but are perfectly capable and normal human beings