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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He needs "a break" ... does this necessarily mean it's over?

80 replies

stoppedmakingsense · 08/04/2024 22:29

Exactly that ... together for less than a year, long distance, all pretty intense and positive. But very odd flare-up at end of last week, prompted by me responding too emotionally, and now he wants time without having to second-guess my emotional reactions.

I see where he's coming from, but can't help but think the time / break is his way of saying he really doesn't want to deal with me any more and this is simply a breather before I get, to be blunt, dumped.

AIBU to even imagine there might be some more positive outcome?

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 08/04/2024 22:37

Possibly.

Depends on what you do at this point.

If you own the fact that you responded inappropriately, and let him know that you would be sad to lose the relationship, then give him the space he is asking for, then he might decide it's worth another go.

HeddaGarbled · 08/04/2024 22:39

I assume it’s to punish you and make sure you don’t step out of line in future.

Uncooperativefingers · 08/04/2024 22:41

Did you actually overreact? Or is he basically accusing you of being "too emotional"? In which case, do you really want to be with someone like that?

I think repairing a relationship long distance is tough, especially when one party wants space. How are you supposed to do that when you aren't talking or seeing each other? But equally, you can't not respect his decision for space as that will push him away more. One of the reasons long distance is tough.

Livinghappy · 08/04/2024 22:42

Do you agree you over reacted?

StormingNorman · 08/04/2024 22:43

Did you respond too emotionally? I’d need to know what the situation was and how you responded to be able to judge.

Saying you are being too emotional could be a way of trying to control you, or he’s just a bit uncaring and disinterested in other people’s feeling.

Universalsnail · 08/04/2024 22:44

I would sack this relationship off.

Sometimes people act inappropriately emotionally. You are aware you did that. Having a "break" is just designed to punish you. You'll be forever worrying about him needing a break again. Not worth it.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 08/04/2024 22:50

I don't think these kind of flare-ups happen for nothing. If you didn't make it happen (and it sounds like you didn't from what you said in your post), then he made it happen so he could blame you for the break-up (which will happen shortly).

If I am right, you are better off without him. The initial love-bombing followed by devaluation and discard are the classic stages that a toxic or narcissist personality goes through in a relationship.

Be glad that he went through the stages very quickly with you. For some people it's years of hell. ❤️

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 08/04/2024 22:52

He sounds hard work.

Fizzadora · 08/04/2024 22:52

Well it would be for me.
Why is he calling the shots?
I'd tell him to fuck off if he can't deal with a bit (or even a lot) of emotion.

bumpsinthenight · 08/04/2024 22:54

The right man won't want a break, he'll work through the situation and get back on track.

JamMakingWannaBe · 08/04/2024 22:58

Any guy who suggested a break to me was advised the break was permanent. If you two are long distance anyway, he has time apart to "reflect" without the emotional manipulation of "a break". Twat.

DuchessOfSausage · 08/04/2024 22:59

Move on.

Scalby · 08/04/2024 23:00

He'd get his break permanently from me if he said that. I've been with DH for thirty years and there must have been times we've both over-reacted but you work through these things, not walk away.

Ladyprehensile · 08/04/2024 23:03

He hasn’t got the guts to dump you so he’s telling you he needs a break. He might creep back when he gets lonesome but I’d hazard a guess it’s over.
Stay strong and move on.

bluetopazlove · 08/04/2024 23:03

Long distance relationships rarely last without there being real intension . How far is long distance ?

Janpoppy · 08/04/2024 23:15

Scalby · 08/04/2024 23:00

He'd get his break permanently from me if he said that. I've been with DH for thirty years and there must have been times we've both over-reacted but you work through these things, not walk away.

Very well said.

Great example of how things are handled in a normal relationship

Often controlling men will create conflict in passive aggressive ways that are harder to detect and when their partner reacts they will pick their partner up on that and threaten that the relationship "might need to end". It's a typical double standard in abusive dynamics.

Pottedpalm · 08/04/2024 23:19

Anyone who needed a break from me would get one. A permanent one.

Imustgoforarun · 08/04/2024 23:22

I’m a lot older than you. He needs a break is code for I want to look around and date others, but if they don’t work out I’ll be back so wait for me.

when it happened to me I wish I had made it permanent rather than taking him back six months later and then many years later he had an affair and clears off again. It was never right.

Screamingabdabz · 08/04/2024 23:40

Men put up with all sorts of shit when they’re truly in love with a woman. He bolts at the first sign of trouble. Nah. Throw him back op.

Original poster
stoppedmakingsense · 08/04/2024 23:46

thank you for all your replies.

tricky to describe the situation without being super specific, but I did react in a way I'm not proud of, but also I wasn't accusatory or shouting or, as far as I can tell, manipulative. It was, of course, about another woman - innocent (i believe) on his part but I felt oddly like he was pushing me to react, to be upset or angry. In a measured way, perhaps, gunning for a fight. Nothing bad happened at all, in real terms, but I'm aware I'm pretty needy (I hate that word) overall and he tends to be the opposite (likes intimacy but can do just fine without it).

We do get on really well, but conflict - as people have said - is tough with a few hundred miles between you, and really tough via messages and phone calls.

He's not being cruel about it, and I genuinely believe he does need to recalibrate (rather than a free pass for 6 months to date other people), and I can respect that. But either way, does anyone ever come back from a break of even a few days, full back up again of love and optimism for an existing relationship?

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 08/04/2024 23:48

What exactly did you respond to emotionally? Is it possible you had a reasonable emotional reaction to something he said or did and now he's punishing you for daring to challenge him?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 08/04/2024 23:51

So you questioned his contact with another woman. You feel he orchestrated the argument. Then he reacted by saying he wants a relationship break. And this is long distance? Is assume your gut is correct. Why do you now think his interest in her is innocent?

bluetopazlove · 08/04/2024 23:55

Do the two of you have any plans for the future or is there none ? After about a year seeing each other you would have plans ?

LenaLamont · 08/04/2024 23:55

Don't waste any more of your time on him.

If he wants a "break" over a disagreement, he's either a commitment-phobe or he's trying to keep you in line by withdrawing if you question him. You don't need either of those in your life.

Mmhmmn · 08/04/2024 23:56

JamMakingWannaBe · 08/04/2024 22:58

Any guy who suggested a break to me was advised the break was permanent. If you two are long distance anyway, he has time apart to "reflect" without the emotional manipulation of "a break". Twat.

This.