He needs "a break" ... does this necessarily mean it's over?

[stoppedmakingsense]

Exactly that ... together for less than a year, long distance, all pretty intense and positive. But very odd flare-up at end of last week, prompted by me responding too emotionally, and now he wants time without having to second-guess my emotional reactions.

I see where he's coming from, but can't help but think the time / break is his way of saying he really doesn't want to deal with me any more and this is simply a breather before I get, to be blunt, dumped.

AIBU to even imagine there might be some more positive outcome?

He wants out but he's too cowardly to end it himself. He's saying he wants a break in the hopes you'll give the death blow.

The reason he gave or who was at fault doesn't matter, it's a red herring on this thread. Ultimately I don't believe in breaks. A break is a break-up. There's no point to being in the limbo of not being with someone, but maybe with them in the future.

No one I know who went on relationship breaks ended up with that person long-term. They tended to fall into three categories: 1) they were in love with each other but there was a fundamental incompatibility (wanting/not wanting kids) that they couldn't face; 2) one of them had got sick of the other and was trying to let them down gently, in a ham-fisted and inadvisable way; 3) they were both absolute drama queens who thrived on breaking up and getting back together over and over again while boring all their friends with the saga.

Rachel and Ross are the only couple I know who worked out after a break

And they broke up and reunited later

...Or maybe he's projecting how women have reacted to him in the past (he's told me he's cheated).

Am I reading this right - he's cheated before, or he's been cheated on?

If he is the cheater then that would be a big red flag considering this situation involves him and another woman.

This

Imo the break is so that he can see if he prefers her

@MagpiePi , he's been the one doing the cheating, yes.

It doesn't sound great, does it.

@Aquamarine1029 I think you might be right about the death blow, and I also think there are ways I could do this that are about my dignity and agency, rather than being flummoxed by his seeming rejection of me.

@TheSnowyOwl @itsgettingweird this is spot on, what you're saying about me being in control, of myself and the part I play in all this. In previous relationships I've allowed people to play at being dictator around me and my emotions. I don't think he's quite in the dictatorship camp, but what's important is that I don't find myself blindsided, distraught, in a mess because of someone else's "issues". I do really like him, and honestly believe he's a good guy, intelligent, with plenty of self-awareness, so I'm not sure there's any malice on his part.

This is the crux of the matter. Instead of wondering if men come back from a time out use this time of neglect/estrangement/avoidance on his part to strengthen yourself and your self esteem. Anyone who makes you feel too much, too little, too needy, too cold etc… in a relationship is just not the right person for you. Their judgment of you is a statement about their needs, not a true statement about you that needs to be addressed or changed.

You should be the center of your boyfriends world—the standard against which he measures other relationships. However needy or proud or hot or cold you are should be just the way he likes it or you should dump him.

Be yourself, be loved for yourself. No point otherwise.

@pikkumyy77 thank you. I absolutely agree with "their statement about you is a statement about their needs ..." 100%

And I have always tried to be there for his needs, to be respectful, thoughtful, kind, all those things; we're all complicated creatures trying to survive, and have our needs met, in the ways that we've learned work best for us.

All of this leaves me feeling a whole lot of compassion for him, but also for myself - and I'm really determined not to get caught up in that absurd, soul-destroying dance where I (albeit subconsciously) try to be someone I'm not so as to please a romantic partner (aka a man, grrrr). Because it never works, not for me and not for him either. (Been there, got a whole wardrobe of t-shirts.)

You say that you are both going away to think about have you have behaved OP.

But how has he behaved, how have his behaviour, actions,.words, made you feel?

I would think about this too. If someone cares for you, then they will care for your feelings, they will care how they are impacting you.

I am not looking to assign any blame to him. Just don't be too down n yourself, you are a human. Journalling might help.

I rather think that if you have to extend a lot of energy and “compassion “ to your partner and need to place a lot of emphasis on their needs you are also doing it wrong. I love my dh and do a lot for snd with him because I love and enjoy him. Not because I feel compassion for his suffering or place his needs above my own. I think you have a lot of insecurity about your value to him in the relationship and you try to control it by being valuable. In reality we are loved and valued warts and all. Not because of how good we are.

I know a couple who were boyfriend and girlfriend for many years. They met as teenagers. Then split up. Got back together about a year later. Got engaged and married fairly quickly. Three DC and still married. They're a nice couple.
(They're not called Catherine and William)

After a year, the 6 month break is too long, and you both have more life experience and baggage than the couple in my example.

I’d make the break permanent, I couldn’t be waiting around for someone to make up their mind about me.
After a year someone knows if they want to or not.

How much of a 'break' can he need, when you are long-distance? It's not like you are in eachother's pockets!

Also, listen carefully when someone tells you what they are NOT. It would never occur to me to say I am not doing something to be cruel - because being cruelty is not something that is in my mind. To say he's not doing this to be cruel means he has cruelty on his mind. It's like how when someone says 'I'd never cheat on you' it means that cheating is on their mind in a way it isn't on other people's mind, and they are likely to be cheaters!

Taling a break of anything more than 24 hours to cool off is a big turn off for me. It would feel like punnishment, and I am 100% done with people punishing me in relationships. So yes, I would consider it as the end - because I'd be finishing the relationship.

@ChristmasFluff , yes to listening carefully when people tell you, I'm not cruel, don't be jealous, etc etc. It's more of a giveaway than they quite realise.

I'm feeling pretty chill about it all, and this online conversation with (I presume!) complete strangers and their generous insights is really helping with that. It's got me out of my own head, away from the tailspin, and into a space of relative equilibrium and groundedness, which I'm very appreciative of, thank you.

@pikkumyy77 you are spot on about my desire to be valuable to, and valued by, him. Almost certainly I give too much weight to his approval etc (driven by my insecurities, which again perhaps rattles him in that he could maybe do without people looking to him for their worth in his personal life too).

I just mulled this over, thinking maybe it a reasonable thing.... then I considered if my DP would have ever chosen a break and the answer was not in a million years. Communication and working through issues cannot happen when you don't talk.
He's a cheat who won't communicate effectively and who lives miles away. Finish it, there is far better out there for you. Find yourself the man who adores you and would never dream of leaving you to second guess him.

Stop being so compassionate and understanding of this man. He’s jerked you around, has made you insecure about another woman, and is pushing you away and punishing you.

He is NOT a good boyfriend. You’re working so hard and considering reading books to understand the casual and self serving cruelty of this person.

Dont be fooled @stoppedmakingsense

Wow, just had short, pretty uncomfortable phone call with him (at his instigation). It felt like I'd been hauled in front of the boss to account for my behaviour. Which is "taxing" because I make everything about myself.

I don't mind being called out, or being alerted to the impact of my behaviour on others. I get that.

But. I don't feel like I was given any space (or time) to ... not so much justify myself as to just say how I thought the dynamics between us might be playing out.

Grim.

Text him ‘on reflection this isnt the relationship for you. Good luck with all your future endeavours.’

Text him as above person said and say let's call it a day as it seems you want to call all the shots and he did not even give you a chance to talk. He is acting like he is in control of it all, have your say and if he wants to talk again, say nothing to talk about but time to move on. He is playing you about and most likely has someone in the wings waiting. So many red flags here forget about him.

@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled that's a good idea. But I'm not sure I've got the nerve.

I feel awful. The worst of it is, I think he's wrong. Or rather he's so determined to be right that he won't countenance the reality that he's bringing 50% of the dynamic to the party too, including a whole set of assumptions about me. Truth is he's pinpointed a problem he can use to break things between us, so it's a straight-up waste of my energy trying to be cool / understanding / self-debasing about that. It's not within my power to "fix" it, how could it be.

Honestly, this is starting to sound exhausting and not worth the effort.

You've been very vague about how you actually behaved, which could mean his sudden standoffishness is actually completely fair.

On the other hand, if he's a habitual cheat and he's being evasive/defensive about his relationship with another woman, an upset reaction on your part could be absolutely justified.

Either way though, you're both very much at cross-purposes and seem inclined to let things just fizzle out than put in a big effort to save them, which says a lot.

Just dump him and work on yourself.

I agree it sounds exhausting, a phone call to talk about a break, I wouldn’t bother. A relationship of a year either works or doesn’t.
Make it a permanent break and find yourself someone more local when the time is right.

So he's called you in to his headmaster's office, given you a poor report and handed out homework.

Meh. Stop tying yourself in knots trying to understand why he is acting a certain way. You don't agree with him, and you don't have to. He is making this all about you so he can blame you for being unreasonable, that way he gets to skip off into the sunset safe in the knowledge he is untouchable in his rightness.

Stuff that. Let him go. Then, if you really do think you've got to work on yourself and your responses do so. For you. For your happiness.