He needs "a break" ... does this necessarily mean it's over?

[stoppedmakingsense]

Exactly that ... together for less than a year, long distance, all pretty intense and positive. But very odd flare-up at end of last week, prompted by me responding too emotionally, and now he wants time without having to second-guess my emotional reactions.

I see where he's coming from, but can't help but think the time / break is his way of saying he really doesn't want to deal with me any more and this is simply a breather before I get, to be blunt, dumped.

AIBU to even imagine there might be some more positive outcome?

Oh dear op. He’s playing you. If he wants a break, he’s telling you he’s not that into you. He sounds like he’s gaslighting you too.

Yes, it is possible. Not quite so stark or deliberate as that, but if I wanted to assign less than loving motives to him that would make sense. I do believe in him, though, and feel a lot of empathy towards him. I understand why he's retreated, and I want to believe he is, as it were, doing his best (as we all are). But I also think he's seen something in me that's made him question everything, or at least act on the niggles he had before.

And we're really not young! So several carts of baggage to obstruct even the best of intentions.

This is remarkably astute, made me flinch! I don't think that's what's going on, but it's a very sharp-eyed perspective, not how I'd thought of it at all.

On the other hand, the woman is almost a red herring - it's more my feeling that I was played / manipulated (possibly subconsciously) into reacting, which meant I did show aspects of myself (insecurities) which I'd tried to keep hidden (to keep my dignity and cool).

You're allowed to be insecure you know, and it's understandable if it's long distance and he doesn't reassure you but punishes you.

https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/about-the-book/

This book is perfect for when you are dating and trying to navigate your own insecurities and work out what might be going on for a new date/partner. It can save you a lot of headaches!

Yes, thank you, that's thoughtful of you. I realised today, well, a friend spelled it out to me!, that the two of us have opposing attachment styles. It really helped to see it more impartially and not get drowned in details. Plus, enabled me to think that maybe he does simply need time and that doesn't make his behaviour toxic, necessarily.

The whole attachment perspective leads me to think a reconciliation is really unlikely; in fact, there's a third option which is he's going to play the "let's be friends" card. (Please god, no.)

You're in a long-distance relationship, which is hard work at the best of times, and requires partners to be prepared to be extra-understanding of each other.

If he has a relationship with another woman that is close enough/vaguely defined enough for it to cause some feelings of anxiety in you, and when you brought these up, he didn't make a big effort to reassure you of the innocence of the relationship and/or his feelings for you, I think you're probably right to feel concerned about it.

Without knowing exactly how you 'over-reacted' it's a little hard to know for sure if it's was "too emotional" or not, but if no shouting or accusations were involved, and what you mean is that you got upset or teary in response to him being blunt or evasive about his relationship to another woman, then your reaction seems pretty fair.

For him to need a sudden 'break to think things through' actually seems like the 'over-reaction' and frankly may be further confirmation that he's been playing away but wants to make you think you're the one at fault for the relationship ending.

You must be dating my ex and if so then fucking RUN and never look back.

Giving YOU the silent treatment because HE reacted with anger about a line HE has overstepped? I have been there.

The whole attachment perspective leads me to think a reconciliation is really unlikely; in fact, there's a third option which is he's going to play the "let's be friends" card. (Please god, no.)

Are you aware that if someone breaks up with you under hard-to-understand circumstances and then suggests that you "be friends", you're 100 percent entitled to say, "I'm afraid that's really not going to work for me" and that doesn't make you a bad person in any way?

Walk away now as he will mess up your head and seems like he is punishing you for been emotional. Believe me this is a narcissistic man who wants to put you in your place so you do not do it again. If someone truly loves you they will be able to communicate with you and still love you but asking for a break. You can do better and all seems like hard work when it is only a year you are together and it should be good times and not this hard.

meant to say 'still love you without asking for a break'.

Thank you. It has as a rule been very good times, when we do see each other. But as those who have said it, this situation now does have an air of punishment about it, though he's specifically told me he's not being "cruel". The lack of reassurance is a theme, true, but I've told myself that's not a bad thing. He's affectionate and kind and funny, says some beautiful things about me, so I told myself that's my reassurance, that's what I need to hang onto when I feel insecure.

From what he's said it looks like he's using his break, with regards to "us", to think about my behaviour (fair enough, I'm doing the same). I'm someone he can't "predict" and who "always" has a subtext to her conversation.

It doesn't sound too promising, but I'm feeling pretty balanced about it. An advantage of long distance, perhaps.

If somebody says I'm not being cruel then the chances are they are being a bit cruel or at the very least disregarding your feelings. But if you feel the relationship is worth saving maybe he just wants a less intense relationship on a more casual basis. So I if you are prepared to try that maybe there's a future eventually. But I agree it doesn't sound promising.

I think the question for me is how often do you 'become emotional' like this?

Many above are saying that taking a break is manipulative/controlling... but if you lose it over simple things regularly, snap at him regularly, or like in this case, maybe question his every move with female friends, check his phone, ask persistently whether you're attractive etc etc (I'm not saying any of these are you, these are just examples!)... then him wanting a break from the drama is absolutely justified.

Whether he's considering this as a break, or a breakup is anyone's guess... but even you said your reaction was over the top (even if there was some goading!), either way, I think you could/should use this time for a bit of reflection.

This is a good question. My take on it was, I don't. I wouldn't dream of checking his phone (and couldn't anyway) and certainly don't get antsy about female friends, work colleagues etc. Disclaimer, I have in the past with an ex, who was 100% cheating on me and was a daily masterclass in gaslighting.

So, maybe, inadvertently I'm sending those signals without realising it. Or maybe he's projecting how women have reacted to him in the past (he's told me he's cheated).

Other women aren't the issue, for me; my sense of what's happening here is the pattern someone mentioned earlier of lovebomb, devalue, discard. He might think he wants the intimacy and intensity of me, but when he sees what that means he might have to deal with (messy emotions), he remembers why he doesn't like that stuff and prepares to get me back out his life.

How depressing now I say it like that. I did think we had something really good.

I'd cut my losses. He is telling you he needs to assess your behaviour? Is he the headmaster of your school?

Your gut is telling you he pushed for a reaction from you. In doing so, you reacted. He is now deciding if you come up to scratch or can be dismissed as an emotional woman who reacts badly of her own accord.

Nope. Sorry. I'm sure he is wonderful fun but he is giving out signals that you have to change in order to be acceptable to be in a relationship with him.

Maybe you did cry or shout? But you've said you felt like he was pushing for that emotional reaction. That's the worry. He can come across as reasonable and you are the emotional one, and it will make him look reasonable for ending the relationship.

If you feel that your emotions or reactions to situations and people need review, do it for yourself. Not because he is pointing out flaws and failings.

Please listen to the PP who said that you are allowed to be insecure. Think about that. And also, reframe your thoughts about neediness- You have needs. Some partners will meet them, others won't. You are still absolutely reasonable and normal for having needs, needing reassurance.

I think that maybe because he's decided to take this break, you're in a slight panic/upset- But actually think about it like this. Is his reaction reasonable relative to what you did? Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel needy and insecure, and then makes you feel bad for feeling those things? It could be that you're mourning the loss of a relationship that you don't actually want anymore...

You've been together less than a year. It shouldn't be so difficult at this early stage

Is the break for 6 months, OP? That seems like quite a long break if yes.

A boyfriend once asked me for a break, and I agreed immediately, telling him that I also had things to consider. I specified my preferred duration (4 weeks) and told him that I wanted no contact at all during that time.
Of course he contacted me a number of times (I didn’t reply) during the break, thereby ignoring my request for no contact during the break HE had asked for! By the end of 4 weeks I was very sure that I didn’t want to be involved with someone who chose absence over communication.

However long the break is OP, think of it as permanent from now. Pick up the pain and keep going, don’t even think about waiting around!!! ❤️

My take on the 'taking a break is that should he decide he wants a booty call, he'll want it to be back on.
Then it'll be off again.

Sever the ties. It didn't workout. It won't. You're not right for each other.

Thank you. Yes, the mourning feels like a truthful explanation of what might be happening, for me - and for him, to be honest.

All the signs were there - total whirlwind, lots of hopes and dreams invested in each other, all a little bit too special to be true.

I'd always said to myself that whatever happens, I won't regret it, and I want that to stay the same. Still, I don't think he's being toxic or deliberately controlling, just perhaps set in his ways about how relationships tend to play out for him. So, for me, if this is the end then I'm kind of grateful in a way to him for calling time (or calling us both out on our behaviour), so we don't tear each other to pieces (emotionally not literally) in frustration that we're not quite right for each other after all.

There's a lot of reflection and glimpses of self-awareness for me that's going on right now, which is a positive, I think. And he's genuinely made me feel like (or given me the opportunity to be) a fabulous, worthwhile, smart human being, which is a takeout I'm glad of.

I'm assuming the break is more to be counted in terms of days or maybe a week or two, not months! I don't think he's trying to dick me around quite that much ...

But, as others have said, I have equal agency in this, so whatever he comes back with isn't necessarily going to be what I end up thinking is the right way forward for me.

@Hiddendoor no he's not the headmaster, nor am I presenting for an appraisal meeting, but that's a funny image, and he's 100% used to being the topdog boss of his own professional kingdom!

So he has possibly deliberately instigated a reaction in you and is now punishing you for it? I’d tell him that the break has given you clarity and things are over.

That's exactly what I took from this.

He's calling a break because you reacted in a way he's described as over emotional.

Humans are emotional - it's part of us. And what's "over emotional" anyway?

You'll feel a whole lot better letting him come to you and you taking control and saying "I appreciate you calling a break. It's given me time to reflect and this relationship no longer works for me as you can't accept who I am".

Don't allow someone else to dictate your emotions.