No phone for secondary school

[StillCreatingAName]

AIBU? I feel like I might be missing something obvious on this one, but honestly why do children need to take a smartphone to school? It’s baffling me as to why there appears to be parents on auto pilot buying their children smartphones (£££) now in year 6, ready for year 7 as though it’s part of a uniform policy (and then sharing their purchase on the class WhatsApp, give me strength).

Is this all just a fallout from lockdown times, people were sort of forced into screen life, so now there’s more children at secondary school with them, who may not have ordinarily had a phone until older?
I’m expecting dc to walk home with friends talking and socialising without the inclusion of a screen or mindlessly scrolling social media instead of listening to friends. I can see where a basic phone might be needed to contact home, but that doesn’t mean the phone should be out of school bag anytime during school hours should it, but maybe I’m just being naive, time will tell 🤷‍♀️?

AIBU to say children don’t need to get a £££ phone for starting secondary school? (It goes without saying they don’t need it at all for primary school, IMHO)?

To give it more considered thought than just handing my dc a smartphone, because it will make my life easier. I’m more concerned about the impact on my dc’s mental health (particularly around friendships) than making my life easier. I was just getting concerned by the number of parents posting on our chats when they had bought smartphones for their dc, specifically for starting secondary. I can only assume they want to make their lives easier…

Don't get me wrong, he uses it as I contact him that way so there's an obligation to use it on his part. If I didn't, he wouldn't. I phoned him through it to ask what's happening, or if he needs help. He contacts his friends via Discord.

He isn't interested in Snapchat or anything like that. He did have a spell trying it but decided it was too much hassle as all his friends use Discord.

There's a certain age you can dictate what goes as a parent, by 17/18 that starts to become very difficult. I don't want someone telling me what I shouldn't be doing on my phone - Mumsnet for instance 😬🤣

I'm genuinely torn on this.

I have a Y6 child and not having a phone is seriously affecting the level of freedom he has but we really don't want him to have a smartphone just yet.

I want him to be able to make arrangements with his friends / let me know when he arrives or leaves XYZ so I know he's safe or know to expect him home but I know how bloody addictive smart phones are and I want to hold out on that as long as possible.

We've looked at non smart phones and watches that make calls / texts as alternatives and we just can't decide.

It's ironic that such a burden (in terms of responsibility) is being considered to offer DC more freedom.

Of course there is also the element of fitting in and being like his peers which is very important at this age. As well as being able to communicate with his peers. At present I arrange play dates / meet ups etc and it's all very rigid - IE be back at X time, only go to Y and Z. I want him to have a bit more leeway when the weather improves and in 5 / 6 months he is going to be getting public transport every day. I'd just like to have a way to stay in touch (selfishly!!)

DC isn't pushing us on it which helps, but I know what he's like and I know he'll end up like 99.9% of smartphone users - over reliant on his phone.

@Crunchymum you’ve summed up how I’m feeling, particularly the burden of responsibility to get more freedom, it’s such a good point. I started this thread because I began to feel like the only one on my parent WhatsApp’s that wasn’t getting a phone for year 6 and that it is essential for secondary school. It’s hard to decide and thankfully my dc isn’t pestering for a phone and currently none of his friendship meet ups are arranged by phone. It does seem like that will change, from what posters have said😟

Are you saying here that you'd expect to be able to contact your phoneless child through their friends with phones?
What would you yourself be bringing to this village?

My eldest (14) has WhatsApp and no other SM. He's actually not that interested! He's got an ancient 3rd hand phone, it does for what he needs. He's getting his first new phone for his birthday (£140 Samsung) as he's had the other one 4 years without any incident. It's on a cheap SIM only deal. We had Google family so I can see what he's on, restrict apps he installs and make it inaccessible on a schedule or whenever I want.

Daughter will have same when she goes to secondary as she's got a long bus journey. Its balancing out the need to fit in with the parental responsibilities that is hard, but doable.

yes they do need the apps for school. Time tables, homework as well as specific subject apps. not only did they need a smart phone they needed a new one with the latest iOS.

i did bring it up with the school when they started and they just shut the conversation down with “they can stay in at break times to use the school equipment”. not a particularly inclusive policy.

I think if schools are insisting on a technology being essential to manage round the school day they should provide the technology to manage around the school day. Or go back to paper timetables and homework diaries.

this also means you’ve an unrelated adult contacting children. Some parents have my dcs number, others I don’t know well enough and wouldn’t want that.

The sooner there’s a complete ban on smartphones in senior schools, the better IMO.

There’s an article in today’s Times about a school that issues lockable pouches, no exceptions. One girl actually said she thought she’d do better at school now - previously, if she didn’t know the answer, she’d just ‘google it under the desk’.

🙄
I think we’d live in different villages…

Yes I see your point, except that government (uk) has now "banned" phones in schools - or rather issued guidance. So secondaries are feeling pressure to find alternatives to homework on phone apps etc. A normal computer login system akin to what they use in universities would be more suitable.

For sure

Why don't you want to make your own life and your child's easier by linking up with them via a smartphone? Why aren't you concerned about the effects on your child if you fail to do this?

Get the smartphone, activate parental controls on it, only allow apps you are happy with and those needed by school or for travel, such as bus tickets etc. Monitor phone use and messages such as WhatsApp regularly and set rules at home about when phones can be used and where. It really isn't as difficult as you are making it out to be.

Be more flexible than you are currently being or you may find yourself backed into a corner. You could well find that the phone is needed for things that have not yet occurred to you.

This trying to make a stand against technology is pointless and just pissing in the wind. Children need to learn how to use it safely and that won't happen if luddite parents won't even get it in the first place.

You admit that you use your own smartphone to make your own life easier. Why shouldn't your child also have this advantage, especially with so much schoolwork requiring the use of apps? The time for them to start learning this is now, under some supervision from you.

Your child is probably relatively easy to deal with at the moment compared to what they are likely to be as adolescent teenagers who feel invincible and think they know it all. Believe me, I've been there three times over.

I quite enjoy checking where my kids are on their walk home especially if my daughter is dawdling and not home by 4 pm! It saves me a lot of stress wondering where she is etc

@StillCreatingAName the thing is, you have to own your choices not looking at others to either validate them or give you compelling enough reasons why you should/shouldn't do x.

Most parents will do whatever works for them,THEIR child, their circumstances. They won't make those choices considering yours or your child's needs. You can expect that , just like you can't expect them to pick up the slack.

If you don't want your child to have a smart phone that's fine. Ideally you'd provide them with all the other tools and devices and put the work in yourself to make up for the lack of one , otherwise it's not fair on the kid. If some of the situations and scenarios given here (school bus pass, no family laptop/computer ,great distances etc. ) don't apply to you , even better. You have less hurdles so it should be easier.

respectfully @Topseyt123 I’m not a luddite parent and neither is any other parent who isn’t completely on board yet with smartphones for their children. Part of the pressure comes from other parents who aren’t stopping to think before buying because someone else has said to them it’ll make everything easier and your child needs one to fit in.
Secondary school is a big enough change for a younger child to handle in the first place and the challenge of navigating new friendships at the start of year 7 hasn’t changed since I was at school, other than phone drama it seems, to add to the adolescent mix.

I agree with you that it generally isn't necessary for year 6. Mine did not get phones until they had left primary school and were just about to start secondary school.

People are pointing out that for year 7 onwards you are going to have to reconsider some of your stances or both you and your child will be at a disadvantage. There is no need to be pissing in the wind here.

I agree with you OP. Your child's mental health is paramount. We collectively need to change the culture around smartphones and children.

Yes to being able to contact them if needs be. A non-smartphone will suffice for that. Yes to accessing WhatsApp to liaise with their friends. A shared home phone or home computer can allow that.

No to unlimited exposure to social media apps which do not stop young children accessing them and which are actually designed to feed off a child's insecurities and anxieties- see poor Molly Russell. It's been proven that the tech companies have purposefully designed the algorithm to keep feeding images and posts about suicide and self harm to vulnerable children. The tech companies are not held to account, although new UK legislation may help a small bit.

Look at the data around the sudden dramatic global spike in mental health diagnoses, self harm in girls and suicide among boys - all coinciding with 2010. What happened then? The iPhone was released. Apps and social media on a home computer are fine for occasional use, but a device suddenly in your pocket which can be accessed all day everyday? UK children now spend 10 hours a day on their smartphones. Jonathan Haidt talks about how this has replaced the play-based childhood. We restrict them in real life, but they move through the virtual world with no boundaries.

A child of any age can access pornhub, so long as they can type into a phone. The rise in misogyny in schools and violence towards girls by boys is not a strange coincidence. Our young boys and girls are watching this stuff daily once they get smartphones, and it's their introduction to sex and relationships. Where we once read Judy Blume they watch a woman being choked.

Until this unlimited free access to the entire internet and social media for children is dismantled I'll not be handing over a smartphone to my child.

And no, parental controls don't work when children are savvy and have been born into a world of tech. If they were working the crisis wouldn't be happening.

@Topseyt123 I wanted to add that my dc have devices at home, it’s the smartphone for secondary I’m specifically stopping to think about.

Then don't behave like one?

I didn't feel any pressure from other parents. I don't socialise with them and my only WhatsApp chat groups are with my close family. I've never been bothered about social media much either and only had any of it because it was where school provided updates for both parents and children.

I still recognise the need for phones that can run apps needed for school and travel as well as allowing you to track where your child is. My kids have survived school, university and work unscathed. Phone drama happened occasionally, but anything and anyone who needed to be blocked was blocked.

I didn't ask about their home based devices. Anyway, a smartphone with parental controls on it is just a progression of that, surely?

Most schools have banned them already it was a pointless exercise from the government. yet they still buy in all the apps and expect the kids to have them for home.

True and so do adults who are not at school also.