Am I unreasonable leaving to drop my dd

[Fellik]

Me and dp have been together 16 months and live an hr apart. This weekend I went on Saturday afternoon and I always have to leave at 5pm on the Sunday to be home for when dd2 arrives home from her Dads house.
DD1 is 15 and often comes with me at the weekend (we have 4 kids between us, so his ds’ were there too, they left around 12 to go back to their mum).
My DD wanted to go to the cinema this weekend with a boy, I said I’d drop her at the train station as dropping her at the cinema was an half and a half round trip for me. Due to train strikes I had to drop DD, meaning I needed to leave at 12.30 and would be back by 2pm, I offered DP to come with me and we could have done something in the city or I’d be back and we could have lunch together before I left.

He hit the roof, because he wanted to go to the gym and didn’t want to go on his own. He was so annoyed that I’d done this he told me not to come back again after I’d dropped her and for me to just go home.

He spends a lot of time complaining that we don’t get enough time together, yet I go to see him 3/4 nights a week and he hasn’t come to see me since the beginning of December because he doesn’t like the fact that my ex used to live in my house (If I could move I would).

I think he’s being completely unreasonable and unable to compromise, or is it just me who was wrong?

He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum. Why couldn’t he go to the gym by himself? Plus you offered to spend the rest of the day with him.

He does make me happy

But only sometimes. At other times (when you have to prioritise your or your children’s needs - or perhaps even when you just slip up and forget or don’t understand the ‘rules’?) he makes you feel anxious, wary and insecure.

Please do call it a day op.

It's difficult for you to understand if you've never actually had a good relationship or even had one modelled.

Actually the modelling bit is a great reason to call this a day because if your daughters. Please don't model to them that this is all a man has to do to get a compliant woman, they'll end up doing it themselves because it's all they know. Like, unfortunately, for you. Break the cycle for them.

So glad you can see more clearly now. He’s controlling and those behaviours very very rarely get better, unless a person acknowledges they are controlling and makes a good effort to address them, such as by attending a perpetrators programme. You deserve to live a life where being treated kindly isn’t conditional on you being compliant or prioritising the needs of an adult over your child.

Your Ex must have been awful if you had to get a restraining order so I would suggest that perhaps this man does not treat you well as you said earlier but that he doesnt treat you as badly as your Ex. Thats a pretty low bar
You are worth more and perhaps it would be a good idea to be single for a bit until you get better at recognising Red Flags?

He does treat me amazingly well, I’m starting to realise though that it’s only when he is getting his own way.

Keep re-reading what you wrote here ⬆️
He is only treating you well when he's getting his own way, he treats you badly to control you.
A once in a blue moon moodiness I could handle, but it shouldn't be because he wants you to just do what he wants.

Once the scales fall from your eyes and you realise how many men are used to having things done "their way", they don't question their own opinions or decisions or even want to inform their partner what they will be doing, never mind consult, it is mind blowing

This. He doesn't treat you "amazingly well". Time to cut your losses on this one, OP. It's also an awful example to set to your DC. Dump him. Also, I'd recommend some counselling for yourself so that you can learn to recognise red flags and to have a higher bar going into your next relationship because your bar is pretty low right now due to your ex.

Well done for seeing him for what he is!

Enjoy your holiday with your children

Omg please leave him.
I was understanding when you said he wanted to spend more time with you.
But 'hitting the roof' over this? No.
Not staying at your house because your ex used to live there? No.

He's petty and childish and sounds like he will create a stink about anything he doesn't like/want.

Urgh. Ick.

What a moaning old victor meldew. Control freak.

If you have 4 children between you, it’s always going to be like this. Going to the gym as a couple is nice, but it’s going to be fairly hard isn’t it? Sounds like you’re the one doing the chasing…

Tell him about the holiday. If he says that sounds good and offers to look after the dog and drive you to the airport .... that's ok.

If he gives you a hard time in any way ... LTB!

Have you heard of the freedom programme op? I think you would find it helpful in recognising abusive men.

Because that's what he is, he's abusive. Please end it with him and work on yourself before getting another boyfriend. You owe it to your daughter to show her what a good relationship looks like.

Your families feel very entwined for a couple that have been dating for just over a year.

Yep. I think you are right. It's time.

You haven't told him about a holiday because you're worried about his reaction speaks volumes.

Life's too short to live like this. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells.

Well done for realising this OP. He’s told you not to come back so grab this opportunity to make it ‘his decision’ and don’t go back - ever.

Definitely, definitely call it a day. Jeez.

I booked a holiday for myself and the children recently for the summer and realised I haven’t told him as I don’t want to deal with his reaction as he won’t be happy that it falls on days when I would normally be with him.

So you are scared of him really then, this is not someone who treats you amazingly if you are scared to tell him that you are taking your kids away on holiday. Please end it for your own sake and for your kids.

OP, it's utterly tragic that you are worried about telling him you have booked a holiday with your DC, because he will have a strop about you missing his days with you. 😔

These are the few last years of holidays your daughter, at least, will be wanting to be with her mum (missed your Son's age sorry)
You will look back filled with regret that this horrible man-child took presidence over them.

Not literally - as at least you are going anyway - but in your mind and in your thoughts.
Utterly controlled by him.

He's a waste of space.
Please dump him

It really is time to end this @Fellik

You said he ‘hit the roof’ because your plans didn’t align.

I don’t think my DH has ‘hit the roof’ about anything in 18 years.

Your partner is demonstrably lazy, selfish, childish, and stubborn. No good will come from the relationship.

Yeah give him a ring now and end it

A lot of red flags from him - you feeling like you're walking on eggshells is a definitely red flag for abuse.

I left a very abusive relationship and my next one was what I thought was a normal relationship, but which was actually just a slightly less abusive one. It happens to a lot of us. Good luck with extracting yourself.

You forgot:

• he's a lazy arse