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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable leaving to drop my dd

110 replies

Fellik · 08/04/2024 07:31

Me and dp have been together 16 months and live an hr apart. This weekend I went on Saturday afternoon and I always have to leave at 5pm on the Sunday to be home for when dd2 arrives home from her Dads house.
DD1 is 15 and often comes with me at the weekend (we have 4 kids between us, so his ds’ were there too, they left around 12 to go back to their mum).
My DD wanted to go to the cinema this weekend with a boy, I said I’d drop her at the train station as dropping her at the cinema was an half and a half round trip for me. Due to train strikes I had to drop DD, meaning I needed to leave at 12.30 and would be back by 2pm, I offered DP to come with me and we could have done something in the city or I’d be back and we could have lunch together before I left.

He hit the roof, because he wanted to go to the gym and didn’t want to go on his own. He was so annoyed that I’d done this he told me not to come back again after I’d dropped her and for me to just go home.

He spends a lot of time complaining that we don’t get enough time together, yet I go to see him 3/4 nights a week and he hasn’t come to see me since the beginning of December because he doesn’t like the fact that my ex used to live in my house (If I could move I would).

I think he’s being completely unreasonable and unable to compromise, or is it just me who was wrong?

OP posts:
KoolKookaburra · 08/04/2024 07:57

Do you take your dd1 with you a lot? I ask because my dsc's mum does this so now she has in effect THREE homes and it sucks for her

Hadalifeonce · 08/04/2024 07:58

I would definitely NOT go back again...... Ever.
Leave him to it.

Original poster
Fellik · 08/04/2024 07:59

There’s a whole host of reasons he doesn’t come and see me which I find are all ridiculous -
-He doesn’t find my bed comfy
-He doesn’t like the cat
-The dog barks
-My ex used to live here - I did have trouble with my ex but now have a restraining order so that’s no longer an issue
-My home isn’t set up for him to work from home - I did suggest he leaves before work to go and work from home like I do but he said my job wasn’t like his and he needs to be focused.
Actually writing all of this down makes him sound ridiculous!

OP posts:
Kittenkitty · 08/04/2024 07:59

I think he’s a walking red flag 🚩

Him not coming to yours best case scenario he’s lazy, entitled and lies, worst case scenario he really does have a problem coming to the home you shared with your ex which is juvenile, jealous and shows his disdain for women, I bet he didn’t buy a new mattress when you started staying over.

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 08:00

He does sound ridiculous. It's also pretty ridiculous that you drag a teenager to stay at his house for weekends rather than him come to you ever. Do you ever just look at the situation and think how did I let this happen?

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 08:00

Where does your dog go when you're at his??

Kittenkitty · 08/04/2024 08:01

I think it’s also a pretty poor example to set your children, you running around disrupting them because he’s too juvenile to get over some minor annoyances. Relationships are give and take and compromise.

Sauvblanctime · 08/04/2024 08:02

Red flag!!! Run!!

Sirzy · 08/04/2024 08:04

I think you know what you need to do. Stay at home and enjoy time with your children!

bellezarara · 08/04/2024 08:05

Fellik · 08/04/2024 07:59

There’s a whole host of reasons he doesn’t come and see me which I find are all ridiculous -
-He doesn’t find my bed comfy
-He doesn’t like the cat
-The dog barks
-My ex used to live here - I did have trouble with my ex but now have a restraining order so that’s no longer an issue
-My home isn’t set up for him to work from home - I did suggest he leaves before work to go and work from home like I do but he said my job wasn’t like his and he needs to be focused.
Actually writing all of this down makes him sound ridiculous!

You’re right, they’re all ridiculous excuses, not reasons.

What a knob.

Merrymouse · 08/04/2024 08:05

Fellik · 08/04/2024 07:59

There’s a whole host of reasons he doesn’t come and see me which I find are all ridiculous -
-He doesn’t find my bed comfy
-He doesn’t like the cat
-The dog barks
-My ex used to live here - I did have trouble with my ex but now have a restraining order so that’s no longer an issue
-My home isn’t set up for him to work from home - I did suggest he leaves before work to go and work from home like I do but he said my job wasn’t like his and he needs to be focused.
Actually writing all of this down makes him sound ridiculous!

Now think about how this all looks to your children.

Original poster
Fellik · 08/04/2024 08:05

The dog comes with us, we both have dogs.

Yes, I do often wonder how I’ve managed to get myself into this situation. He does treat me amazingly well most, I’m starting to realise though that it’s only when he is getting his own way.

OP posts:
AppleTree16 · 08/04/2024 08:08

Fellik · 08/04/2024 08:05

The dog comes with us, we both have dogs.

Yes, I do often wonder how I’ve managed to get myself into this situation. He does treat me amazingly well most, I’m starting to realise though that it’s only when he is getting his own way.

He doesn’t sound like he treats you amazingly well. Are you just putting up with mediocre because it seems like a dream after an abusive ex??

bellezarara · 08/04/2024 08:08

Time to stop letting him have his way. This knobber was angry you did something for your child and punished you for it.

Tell him you need to alternate with him driving over every other weekend.

fashionqueen1183 · 08/04/2024 08:10

None of that is amazing. It sounds like massive red flags and controlling. I’d also be really really wary of how this is being presented to your daughter. Do not let her think this is ok behaviour to accept from a man. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Peoplealwaysleavemespeechless · 08/04/2024 08:10

So as a grown man, he was upset that your daughter needed you to take her somewhere, so you took her instead of taking him where her wanted to go???
Why does his social life trump your daughters? Especially as she's 15 and going with you and supporting your relationship, so seemed to me is acting more mature than than the grown "man".
I'd stay home, let him make some effort, you have 2 kids, and 2 pets full time, he has much more "free" time to come see you. Let him show your that your worth the effort

Alwaysalwayscold · 08/04/2024 08:10

Fellik · 08/04/2024 08:05

The dog comes with us, we both have dogs.

Yes, I do often wonder how I’ve managed to get myself into this situation. He does treat me amazingly well most, I’m starting to realise though that it’s only when he is getting his own way.

And that's a huge red flag OP. Controlling.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/04/2024 08:10

Poor bloody cat.

DustyLee123 · 08/04/2024 08:11

He’s controlling. End it.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 08/04/2024 08:12

I would be suspicious that the reason he won’t come to yours (your ex) is due to territorial male issues which I see as jealous and controlling.

Was he jealous and resentful that you prioritised DD’s needs over his wants?

What would your Dd have done if not gone to meet the boy? Stayed at his on her own while you went to the gym?

Who looks after your dog while you are at his?

Is your 15 yo Dd home alone for the w/ e if she doesn’t go with you? And on weekdays? 15 year olds need their social life with friends , not to trail round after their Mum , watching her trail round after a man!

AcheyBreaky · 08/04/2024 08:16

I wouldn't necessarily just ditch him, but I think you definitely need to sit him down and tell him how unbalanced the situation has become. You can't do all the running and then be shouted at for a basic task of dropping your DD somewhere that really didn't inconvenience or affect him at all. If he apologises and agrees to do better I.e visits you in your home and puts himself out for you a bit more ongoing then maybe he's worth sticking with. If not then I'm in team dump.

Bumblebeeinatree · 08/04/2024 08:17

When he said don't come back, I'm afraid I would have said, 'I won't... ever!', and left never to go back (unless things changed drastically). So bloody rude.

TitaniasAss · 08/04/2024 08:18

I would 100% ditch him. You shouldn't have to sit a grown man down to explain what he already clearly knows. He will absolutely know that this relationship is unbalanced and that's just how he wants it. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

itsgettingweird · 08/04/2024 08:21

I think he’s a walking red flag 🚩**

I thought this too.

The biggest one is him not visiting your home because your ex lived there.

He sounds draining and he's work at best and for that alone I'd be walking. But I fear he's worse.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2024 08:24

I just don't get posts like this. Don't get it.

Having a boyfriend isn't compulsory. If he's not making you happy, dump him.

Learn to like being single.

It is a billion times a nicer life than this nonsense.

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