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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gym membership causing arguments

81 replies

polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:00

As above really!

Husband gets to go 3x per week whenever he fancies. I'm stuck to everyone else's schedules and cannot go during work time or early morning. I cannot go most evenings due to his work. I feel it is unfair and he takes it for granted that I'm here for the kids whilst he swans about doing what he wants. He doesn't get it, and thinks I'm being unfair to say that if I cannot go then he shouldn't get the privilege either. Maybe I am unfair, I'm just sick of men 🤣🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Callmejudith · 08/04/2024 07:01

Could you go Saturday and Sunday mornings and one evening when he has to get home on time?

FLOWER1982 · 08/04/2024 07:02

Can you book it in as such so he knows when he needs to be at home? If you stick to the same times each week may be easier. Not sure what to suggest if he doesn’t agree/ understand. LTB.

PuttingDownRoots · 08/04/2024 07:03

So is he going during the work day, then making it up in the evenings?

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/04/2024 07:03

Why does he get to go whenever he wants but you can’t?

Chocolateorange11 · 08/04/2024 07:03

Why can’t you go early mornings? Can you pick set times to go and ask for your partner to work around them? I have set days - I’ve amended them this week after chatting to DP and asking if it fit his plans…

DP and I are trying to work at taking more of our own time as we are both quite bad at making it happen!

Momstermunch · 08/04/2024 07:05

How does he get to go when you don't? Is it just the way it works out because he works evenings and so has time in the day?

Or is it that he 'swans off' therefore leaving you no time to go?

If it's the latter then it's fair enough to ask him to share that time. If it's the former then you're not being fair really.

Fulshaw · 08/04/2024 07:06

He has to be at home so you can go. Make a schedule.

Bjorkdidit · 08/04/2024 07:06

Why are you 'stuck to everyone else's schedules'? Surely you and DH split the available time 50/50?

So instead of him going 3 times and you not going at all, you alternate - he goes once, you go once, etc. So if he went last time, it's your turn.

Original poster
polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:09

Our set up is odd. I'm a childminder and my first child arrives at 7am til 6pm. He's a workaholic but the evening stuff cannot be negotiated, he has to be out then otherwise he'd lose his Job, hence why he goes in the day because he can take time out.

I do try to go on weekends but he isn't out of bed and I get back to kids not fed and been doing god knows what. That or we're out for the day and it doesn't give me enough time as our gym opening times are rubbish! I definitely feel resentful and like he's doing his own thing. I said well it's half term so if you've got free time, come and do something with ours so I don't have 6 kids all day with no break, but he called me entitled 🤣🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 08/04/2024 07:12

So the problem isn't really the gym.. its that you have conflicting work schedules leaving you permanently working or doing childcare... coupled with him being lazy at weekends?

KrisAkabusi · 08/04/2024 07:14

He doesn't get it, and thinks I'm being unfair to say that if I cannot go then he shouldn't get the privilege either.
YABU

I said well it's half term so if you've got free time, come and do something with ours so I don't have 6 kids all day with no break, but he called me entitled
YANBU!

SignoraVolpe · 08/04/2024 07:16

You just have to go Saturday and Sunday.
If the dc are not fed for a couple of hours they'll be fine and that's on him.

Your dh knows exactly what he's doing and you need to make it clear that if anything happens because he's not getting up with his own dc then he'll have a lot of explaining to do to ss.

Anameisaname · 08/04/2024 07:18

Why don't you cancel your gym membership and get a personal trainer instead given the gym.times don't suit you?
You absolutely deserve to prioritise exercise and have time to do this. It does sound like if he has to work evenings then there's little choice during the week, unless you had a PT that came to you. On weekends you have to just accept the kids won't be looked after the same way as you and take extra long in the gym so he's forced to deal with it !

Original poster
polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:18

Yes quite often it's me working then doing house stuff. He's not always this busy, it's a bad week but I'm more upset at the fact that childcare doesn't impact him at all. Most of the time he doesn't even know it's half term, never mind making any plans. I think I'm probably unfair for saying he can't go. The unfairness of it all bothers me, and many women have the same issues. I've tried explaining why this upsets me but he is all defensive and we get nowhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:19

Anameisaname · 08/04/2024 07:18

Why don't you cancel your gym membership and get a personal trainer instead given the gym.times don't suit you?
You absolutely deserve to prioritise exercise and have time to do this. It does sound like if he has to work evenings then there's little choice during the week, unless you had a PT that came to you. On weekends you have to just accept the kids won't be looked after the same way as you and take extra long in the gym so he's forced to deal with it !

Get myself a coffee and a podcast after 🤣

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 08/04/2024 07:20

Just get up and go.
Don't discuss it. Just go.
You're enabling him.
How old are the kids?

Momstermunch · 08/04/2024 07:22

Yeah he's a nob. He doesn't realise how lucky he is not having to even consider childcare. I don't think the tit for tat of trying to ban him from the gym is the way to go though. Get out on the weekend and make sure you wake him as you go. Tell the kids dad is in charge so get him to make you food if you're hungry

Honestly though, what kind of shit parent doesn't bother to feed their own kids...

cuckyplunt · 08/04/2024 07:25

You need to sit down and make a plan so that you can both go twice per week. Otherwise just leave the house the minute he gets in from work., “Bye Love, see you later. “

TheScenicWay · 08/04/2024 07:28

Fix a session time and that's it. He has to stick to that and while he's with the kids, tell him it's not acceptable that he does nothing with the kids. He's being neglectful and he needs to step up.
Tell him what he needs to do. He obviously doesn't know because he's not engaged with his kids and family life.
Find your anger and make things work for you.

LightSpeeds · 08/04/2024 07:29

polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:18

Yes quite often it's me working then doing house stuff. He's not always this busy, it's a bad week but I'm more upset at the fact that childcare doesn't impact him at all. Most of the time he doesn't even know it's half term, never mind making any plans. I think I'm probably unfair for saying he can't go. The unfairness of it all bothers me, and many women have the same issues. I've tried explaining why this upsets me but he is all defensive and we get nowhere.

Sounds like you're the only one doing any parenting in the relationship.

Is he otherwise a good partner (I'd be surprised if you said yes, because he sounds uncaring and entitled)?

Original poster
polkadot24 · 08/04/2024 07:37

He is a good partner and does jobs when I tell him to. We chose this so to some degree I sort of just get on with it and rarely complain but every now and then I just feel so trapped. I can't even organise dinner dates with friends because his schedule changes on the day and people get fed up of it, making me feel even worse, so I don't bother. I was really sad yesterday and explained to him that I just need him to understand and be compassionate, he said he gets it but clearly doesn't. It's at these times where I'm like, is this it? Is this my life? He's always stressed with work but loves it, his phone comes to the dinner table and I have to tell him to ask the kids how their day was. He thinks he's super involved though, so any discussion about actually spending time is net with I'm here loads. Yes here, but on the phone. My kids are 6 and 9 so he just expects them to get their own breakfast now, which is fine but I like to be around whislt they are eating and to chat with them. I'm wondering weather to find a babysitter and he can pay for it 🤣

OP posts:
Elebag · 08/04/2024 07:41

He's the problem here I'm afraid. If he was a good partner he'd realise he was taking your spare time for himself. You should have equal leisure time.

No idea how to get him to change though as men like that are knobs.

Bjorkdidit · 08/04/2024 07:42

He's not a good partner if he only does jobs when you tell him to. It's his house and family too so he should be contributing willingly and not hiding at work or ignoring/neglecting his DC.

But I suppose if he won't do his share then he needs to pay for outside help to compensate.

Lovetotravel123 · 08/04/2024 07:43

Another possible solution could be that you use a fitness app at home instead. I like to use FITT as it gives me more flexibility and doesn’t rely on gym opening times. Your family would need to understand that you aren’t to be interrupted, though!

MikeRafone · 08/04/2024 07:44

I’d tell him, he can go straight after you, see how much he wants to go if he has to actually put himself out