Gym membership causing arguments

[polkadot24]

As above really!

Husband gets to go 3x per week whenever he fancies. I'm stuck to everyone else's schedules and cannot go during work time or early morning. I cannot go most evenings due to his work. I feel it is unfair and he takes it for granted that I'm here for the kids whilst he swans about doing what he wants. He doesn't get it, and thinks I'm being unfair to say that if I cannot go then he shouldn't get the privilege either. Maybe I am unfair, I'm just sick of men 🤣🤦‍♀️

I have (and my friends have) high stress jobs. Occasionally (and I mean very occasionally) there are situations where evening plans made in advance have to be cancelled, but this is max 1x per year. If this is a regular occurrence he really probably isn't saying no enough (but also my boss wouldn't want that).

He sounds pretty rubbish, but you need to put yourself first, if your dc are 6 and 9 just go to the gym at the weekend and tell them to ask dad, they are plenty old for that. In regards to your friends can you meet up for long lunches at the weekend leaving your dc with dad sometimes?

Come on, you know the answer is here

He is a good partner and does jobs when I tell him to

A good partner would do jobs because they need doing, not because you have told them to.

My ex husband was self employed (ran his own shop) and was out from early am till night time. We had three small children and the only help I had with them was Saturday evenings. After many conversations like yours, I started running in the mornings before he got up (5am ish.) Then I was fit enough to sneak out early at the weekends. The one I had one Christmas Day morning was most memorable. Would take the dog so that was another job ticked off the list. Good luck OP. Mine wasn't a fair household and it sounds like he has repeated the pattern with his second wife.

I do try to go on weekends but he isn't out of bed and I get back to kids not fed and been doing god knows what. @polkadot24

this is your problem. Wake him up, tell the kids to keep at him and get him up to feed them.

This isn’t good enough. It really isn’t.

He should 100% be able to go. But you too should be allowed 3 times a week to go or do your hobby.

Your bar is pretty low.

YOu need to agree with him what days you are going to the gym and tell him he needs to sort kids etc. If you have a day out planned, make it clear that you'll be back 20 minutes before you're all due to leave and obviously him and the Dc need to be ready to go.

As for evenings, that's just bollocks and actually starts to smack of someone who doesn't want you going out. I used to work in the City in a high pressured banking job and DH was a SAHD. And yes, sometimes, there were days when I had to work late at short notice, or do irritating entertaining things. But, we agreed upfront that on one day I would be home promptly barring something truly crazy. That was the evening Dh went to his sports club and often went on for dinner/drinks after. And on the very very rare occasion I couldn't make it back and had to cancel at short notice I was a) very apologetic and b) he knew that I was genuinely out of options.

n addition, if Dh did make other plans on other days he would accommodate me by usually making them for later - so I had more time to get home. Eg he'd meet a friend to go see a late movie - but if that was a plan, I would still do everything in my power to make sure I didn't land up stuck at the office.

Your DH is a dick

Also, I assume he's working late to compensate for all these day time trips to the gym, so he absolutely IS just swanning off the gym whenever he feels like it.

It's so frustrating to read these types of posts.

Imagine having such a low bar that despite listing everything that shows your DP to be a selfish lazy twat who has opted out of the family and then say 'hes a good partner'. No he's blatantly not! Get rid.

At 6 and 9 they are old enough for you to leave out breakfast for them - for example croissants and cartons of orange juice - and go to the gym early on weekend mornings.

They will be happy because they can eat breakfast and watch tv. You get to go to the gym and as long as your h is in the house the kids are supervised.

Can't comment on the rest of it but that routine worked for us on weekends.

Too many men act like this and too many women put up with it. The way it is it would be easier for you as a single parent to be honest- then presumably he would have to take on the kids on his days. I’d tell him if he can’t be arsed making an effort to work with you to ensure you get a break too then he clearly doesn’t care enough to stay married.

If you have the space set up a home gym. Much more time efficient. Both of you can then workout at home and cancel the gym membership.

He is a good partner and does jobs when I tell him to
Now replace the word partner with little boy and there's your problem. He sees you as the parent figure for everyone

You’re laughing, or at least using laughing emojis, but I really don’t think this is funny, OP. He’s a selfish shit.

I don’t really understand why he works all day and the evenings as well. What kind of job is that?

I was in almost exactly the same position as OP. Very very similar. Unlike OP, however, I wouldn't have said he was a good partner, I DID say he was a great partner.

He was a selfish, narcissistic, sadistic absolute saggy ball bag of a man. Only to me though. To everybody else he was lovely.

The relationship started with him being a multiple marathon runner and long distance cyclist and me being sub-military level fitness. Ended with me now needing to rebuild my body as I was so unable to get workouts in on any consistent basis, over any all stretch of time, that I lost a LOT of muscle. He still runs marathons. Still bikes 100km easily.

This guy would shrug his shoulders when I used to beg and plead with him to just let me have one day in the week and one at the weekend when he wouldn't pip me to the post and get out of the house before I could/did.

So OP, if you're still reading, look at what else is going on in your relationship. Where are you in his list of priorities when it comes to YOUR needs being met? You say you had an agreement about how things are, which is fine, but you know that at any time you're allowed to change that? It's not set in stone. He should be working together with you to meet your needs, just like you're working around him now.

It's entirely possible for our bars of acceptable treatment to be eroded over time. It's not a criticism of you if that's happened, because the person we choose to spend our life with is someone we trust to have our best interests at heart. If they don't, and we have theirs at our heart, it's often very difficult to notice those bars being lowered, but by bit.

Btw I referred to my ex as sadistic: he got some kind of contentment that he was out there being billy big balls in sport and wifey was stuck at home and wishing she wasn't. It took me YEARS to notice that.

I think it sounds like excuses, if you wanted to go you would. If his job allows him the flexibility to go in the day then that’s not his fault. My job allows me to go in the day and it’s the only time I can go without other responsibilities making me feel bad for going.

when my kids were much younger I used to go at 6am before anyone was up so I wasn’t missed. I have also done home workouts at this time of the morning just to get a workout in, it worked at that time of my life and I have adapted to suit my life currently.

Why should she? Her partner is there and he can do it. Just adding more to her load so she’s allowed to go the gym is not a solution.

I hear you OP. DH keeps saying that I need to exercise, but we have a 5 year old who needs mum to be at home at bedtime and DH is out 3 times a week at martial arts clubs, so when would he like me to do said exercise. It's crap when you're the designated childcare and have to fit your preferences in last as an afterthought.

What would he do with his job if you died and he had to be home? There are single parents who have busy jobs and manage their life and hobbies.

tell him that for next holidays he needs to book leave and take his kids out to do something while you are childminding. They aren’t kids for long and he’s missing it. We have a rule of no phones at the table. Nothing is that urgent unless you’re a doctor on call and even then the phone can be nearby and not at table.

if he wants to stay in bed then let him. The kids can get breakfast. They might like the free time.

book a babysitter for a couple of nights a week and go to gym soon as last childminder kid is collected.

another way would be to exercise with the kids. Do PE with Jo wicks. It won’t be as intense as working out yourself but good fun. I did it with whole classes in school and joined in!

also sucks about not being able to go out with friends. Does it always happen that he needs to work suddenly when you have plans? Don’t tell him you have plans. Get ready and walk out the door soon as he gets in. Even if it’s low key events like just going round a friends house for a coffee so if he genuinely is working there’s no booking made etc. good friends will understand.

Considering this is caused by your work schedule clashing I think it's unreasonable to stop him going to the gym, but you should also get to go. He should be having the kids so you can go at weekends. Do you live anywhere you can access a better gym with better opening times?

You need to work out free time for you. His schedule allows it, you need to find sometime for yours to.

It's his selfie attitude that’s the problem, not your work schedules. If he truly wanted to support you to go the gym, he could fit in the childcare around his work.

Presumably your kids are in bed asleep at about 8pm - could you have yourself ready to leave on the dot, and then dh is on hand if one of them unexpectedly wakes up? (Or is he actually out of the house working in the evenings?).

I am lucky that my local leisure centre opens at 6am so I can do an hour at the start of the day - I’m up at 5.20am and I unload the washing machine then creep out of the house without waking dh or the kids.

Could you try something like that, now the weather is nice maybe you could jog? And then on Sat and Sun do the first session of the day at the gym?

I do find I’m ready for my bed and asleep long before dh in the evenings which is annoying, and sometimes on my non-gym days I’m awake way too early and can’t get back to sleep but it is better than no exercise.

He is allowing for any hobby/ spare time for you, he's getting it all his own way here and being very selfish. Sit down and work out with him when you can go to the gym as you also deserve some me time, not just him