To ask for advice on how to make closer friendships?

[Beansandneedles]

This post is going to come across as super desperate. I don't let these thoughts out in polite society, but this is MN and I'm laying myself bare. Also apologies in advance that being succinct is not a key skill of mine.

I think my OH and I are good people. We enjoy hosting BBQs, annual events or low key after school hangs. We're the kind of people who'll bring you a chocolate bar just because, or offer to pick up your kid from school. I love random acts of kindness, helping people and organising things. People they say things which suggest we're good company and good hosts. But we hardly ever hear from or see friends or family unless we instigate the get together and it's making us both feel rather disconnected from the people were meant to consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't host/do acts of kindness in expectation that they are reciprocated. I genuinely like to do it. But I guess I did hope that we would find a group of mates who we ended up seeing regularly who would become the inner sanctum and we'd all help each other out and enjoy one anothers company. Especially now we're in the school years and a good number of our crew don't have any family support networks close-by.

We've lived in our area for about 6 years now, most of the people we knew from baby groups have ended up in the same primary school as DS. We often hear on a Monday that people have hung out together over the weekend. I've asked outright once with people I know best/trust most and the feedback seems to be that we come across as very busy people. One person said I seem to be someone who has everything together and doesn't really need anyone else. This was after a family bereavement when I was an absolute shell of a human. I outright said that this isn't the case and said we're open to more social invites, and at times have been super honest on how lonely I am, but nothing has changed.

Over the past year I've suggested:

• a regular pub night with school parents
• that some mum friends and I get together to try a social sport like climbing as a regular or semi regular thing. We agreed Tuesday evenings work for everyone...literally hasn't happened once.
• my OH has tried to get people together for a pub night or darts at ours
• something really low key like just coming over for a hang in case it's a budget thing
• tried to instigate a weekly hang after school in a local playground just as a regular thing in the routine
• have asked people about festivals or camping trips or something during the school holidays

None of the above have taken off. People don't seem to commit in advance and then when asked closer to the time they're busy. It all seems so innocent, people seem to forget/be overwhelmed by life. It doesn't seem malicious or anything. Trying to be super breezy about it, not hounding people or being outwardly as needy as I sound in this post but seriously this can't be normal?!

I'd love nothing more than a good group of mates who I see on a weekly basis. Or fortnightly if weekly is unrealistic. I'd even take monthly!! Just something I can rely on. But I seem to be missing a trick on how this happens. I'm so fricking lonely. Maybe everyone is just lying and we're actually dull as shit?! Idk how to not take it personally or make it better.

If you seem like you always have your sh*t together people won't want to be vulnerable around you for fear of being judged/ judging themselves. Can you go out on the town with some of the girls and get a bit messy / have a cry etc.?

You sound lovely, OP. I could relate to a lot of your post, so whilst I don't have anything useful to contribute, I understand exactly what you are saying and I'm following this thread with intent. We can try and figure this out together!

I don’t think you can ‘curate’ a group of friends. In my experience friendships just happen naturally. Of course be open to making friends but I would just get on with your life and do things you want to do without trying to make friends. You may find they happen naturally.

I think you're looking in the wrong place, to be honest. I am a real extrovert and have a good bunch of friends, but I didn't meet any of them at the school gate. Those friendships are built on proximity: fine if it clicks, great if there's a childcare emergency, but they rarely become organic, authentic friendships.

I also think you're pushing hard for 'group' stuff and I'm just not sure group friendships are created like that after school/uni/early work. If I think about my friends, they've all been around for a long time and so all know each other, so now I could get six of them together for a night in the pub but that's taken ages and I'm the common denominator.

If I was you, I'd start a new hobby either with or without your DH and work on finding a friendship with one or two other people. I think you're looking in the wrong place and prioritising the wrong things.

I wouldn't try and do a weekly event or something big. Just try chatting to people in the playground. See if they fancy a coffee. None of the regular things ever worked when dd was little, even with the best intentions. Mostly I made friends over coffee, chatting in the park etc

Ah you sound lovely OP (I'd want to be in your group for sure!). I think it is just hard as an adult. We are similar to you, frequent hosters, try to be very generous with our time / money / help, regularly organise social things, make a big effort to meet new people and include everyone etc. I still always find I want 'more' though. I just think it is hard at this stage of life - people are so busy. There is also probably something about expectations - I love the idea of hanging out with the same group weekly but in reality I would probably find it too much (and actually I'm not sure I know anyone who does this, even if it does look that way on social media). I agree with the posters above about groups having to be formed organically and often being formed during school or uni. Our friendships are nearly all 'individual' with other couples and I'm often envious of my friends who do have a big, regular friendship group but actually I think these can often come with their own problems and pressure and can end up being fairly intense. I try to remind myself that meeting new people and socialising is meant to be fun for the sake of it, not for trying to make new lifelong friends - if that happens alongside then it is just a bonus

So many threads like this

I post on all of them

i'm single too - I like being single but being friendless is shit and I find myself in tears with it all

I can only say I'm sorry, especially with their reaction to your bereavement.

it won't be you. There are far too many people with this problem for it to be our fault IMHO, mostly (obvs on MN) married with children. Mostly having bust a gut to remedy the situation.

someone recently explained to me that humans are competing with the internet for how people get a dopamine hit. I think there's something in that.

This is exactly how I feel. I have kind of given up on trying to form a group now and have concentrated on my individual connections; I now have 3 close friends who I know I can count on in times of need, it is awkward when wanting to do group things as none of them know each other and therefore I would love to be part of a bigger friendship group

I relate to so much of what you said. The few friends I've got have happened naturally, as PP said, but between work and family (and being slightly socially awkward) the natural doesn't seem to happen. Watching this with interest.

Essentially, I think you may be coming across as desperate, people are sensing this and backing off.

Are there any activities you could do on a 1:1 basis to get to know people? Maybe an evening course? The group stuff you’re keen on isn’t appealing for everyone.

I agree with this.
Friendships happen 'organically' as you hit it off with people you see regularly and get along with.

You can't "decide to" become close friends with someone.

Why don't you do something - you've suggested rock climbing - one night a week or once a month, and spend time with other people who are also there to rock climb. If you find you really hit it off with some of the group, then great, you've got the start of a friendship. If you don't, well, it doesn't matter, you've had a night doing something you enjoy with like minded people.
Obviously doesn't have to be that - you could join a drama group, or volunteer on a fundraising group for your local Hospice, or join a campaign group for something you care about, or a walking football group, or whatever tickles your fancy.

Parents of young children are not generally known for having a lot of time on their hands, so it is a difficult stage in life to start trying to create time to fit in extra new people. You need to find what you enjoy doing, and hope that you will gel with other people there.

I can also relate to this, it’s why I ended up on MN looking for advice. I’d love to be part of a weekly group so do keep looking for people who feel the same, it seems like there’s a few of us out there.
Try not to be embarrassed, it’s situational rather than you.

Yes this is me too. I have 1 friend here, 1 friend there. Luckily I have 4 good friends locally. I invited them all out for my birthday for dinner, 3 of them came and it was nice but it’s not like a big girl group you know? Even in school I was never in a particular group, was just friends with everyone. Which sounds nice, but then you aren’t really anyone’s inner circle/anyone’s priority and get left out of everything and end up knowing/liking everyone but no social life 😄
But also would I actually like the reality of a big group of mutual friends, or would it be draining?
OP I’ve made lots of nice acquaintances at a weekly hobby, that keeps me ticking over socially between seeing my actual friends.

I read somewhere recently that friends (the tv show) really messed up our generation because it instilled in us an expectation that we would have a crew who would see each other daily and live in each other’s pockets and this is just not a practical reality! I know this isn’t what you are saying though and I can relate to that feeling of wanting to build a network. I expected that to come automatically through NCT classes and baby groups with DC1 and I was really disappointed when it didn’t. I think it made me come across as a bit over zealous and intense looking back but I was also dealing with PND first time round.

what did emerge for us gradually was a couple of different families who we invited over regularly enough that we got into a groove, and eventually (after years!) we branched out to camping and festivals too. We do different things with each family though, I’ve never nailed the one big crew type approach, and we’ve had times when we’ve seen more of people and less of people depending on life stages. New jobs, partners working away, more kids, ill parents have affected things.

we also had friends who never ever reciprocated and somewhere between baby 2 and 3 (probably pandemic related too) I decided not to keep endlessly hosting those people. So we have lost touch with some folk which is a shame but I think par for the course.

so I guess my advice would be to focus on people you really click with and make a semi regular effort with them, relax and see what emerges. I do think it’s quite a lot like dating, if you are too full on people back off!

you sound lovely so I’m sure you will find your efforts pay off.

I agree that you shouldn't be embarrassed and it's situational.

All the local activities have pretty much closed down.

There's one lady running the local community centre and she told me she expects to be out of a job soon.

There was a really funny statement made on another thread but unfortunately I can't remember it verbatim.

Somebody said that when she suggested going out in the evening to a group of school parents, they looked at her as if she'd suggested shooting heroin in the car park. Something akin to that anyway. 😂

If I ask people at work what they did over the weekend the answer is often "nothing". It may be that they don't want to answer the question, but genuinely I think a lot of people aren't doing anything.

If it's any consolation, my elderly mum is having the same problem! Neither of us are looking to do anything expensive. We didn't ever do going out for meals etc to be a casual thing. It was always a treat, too expensive to be casual.

But it seems like it's impossible to just get people round for a cup of tea or glass of wine! It's mad. I think they would genuinely rather be at home scrolling the Internet.

I then end up hanging around on MN all day because I'm lonely.

You mention hosting.

When I had friends, pre-lockdown, I did a lot of hosting.

I now feel as if all that effort was wasted. Apologies for the rant.

Hopefully you will get some solidarity from it.

I think it’s really hard to make friends as you get older. Most people have their close friends already and aren’t looking for new ones. That doesn’t mean friendships can’t grow over time, but it’s not as easy. I was in the same boat as you for a long time. It was work where I found and developed good friendships. Some I clicked with quickly, some have taken 4+ years to grow into friends outside of work.
Instead of trying to befriend school parents, why don’t you try those activities you want to do by yourself and see if you meet people there? X

Maybe don't focus on the school / mums thing and look to see locally if there are things YOU enjoy and can get involved in. Book group, local sports thing etc. To be fair, even with my really close friends, we might "speak" everyday via WhatsApp but we don't necessarily see each other week in week out as everyone is busy. I do feel your pain, as I moved abroad and knew no-one and it was really hard work to meet people and make friends. It took a lot of time and stepping outside my comfort zone but I kept trying and it did come together in the end.

It's not you. It's modern life, plus social media plus CoL plus post pandemic malaise plus social anxiety etc etc.
You sound great.

@EmmaEmerald what you say about people rather being home scrolling, and what a PP mentioned about humans competing with smart phones for a dopamine hit… I really think hits the nail on the head really. I think it’s a big factor and a massive problem in society. The stats on people’s happiness plummeting and anxiety etc skyrocketing when smart phones took off is scary. People are losing the ability or desire to ACTUALLY socialise in person in favour of pseudo-socialising on the internet (case in point: Mumsnet 😄) I’m guilty too as am a phone addict, trying to change!

I can't imagine having time to see the same group of friends weekly or even fortnightly. My closest friends come from the years before kids and are scattered in different parts of the country. I have a couple of groups with whom I keep in touch electronically and we get together in a group, in person, maybe once or twice a year. I agree with others OP that you are likely to have more luck going to an activity and making friends organically that way than trying to "manufacture" a regularly meeting friendship group. I hope you can find a solution!

Experiential evening classes, so stuff like counselling or acting. I’ve made some really good friends on the counselling training I’ve done and whilst I know it’s a niche subject and bit for everyone, for anyone interested in counselling as a career or doing it for personal development and you want to make new friends, it’s highly recommended.

I think it sounds like you have loads of time and energy, which is great. But I'd say most people are struggling with one or the other, or both.
Friday nights I am exhausted, crawl home from work and honestly just collapse, can't wait to get to bed. Saturdays I do housework, ferry kids here and there, occasionally meet friends for a coffee but can't always manage it. Sundays seem to be taken up with chores, family stuff, and getting some work done.
Don't get me wrong not all weekends are that uninspiring but the majority are! I couldn't manage a weekly or even fortnightly "hang".

@Tallesttiptoes that is an interesting point about friends for sure! I always dream of this kind of group, as do a few of my friends (sadly not ones who know each other or who live anywhere at all close by!) When they visit we often end up on rightmove wishing we could live near each other and being so focussed on the 'ideal' friendship that we forget that we have a very nice time when we see each other even if infrequently and that we all have new local friends even if they aren't as close as we'd like. Sometimes I think I do just want this kind of friendship for the sake of it rather than out of any actual social need!

No advice but solidarity. I wasn’t great at socialising when I was younger (no skills undiagnosed ASD) so don’t have that group some PP mention from school or uni.

Relating to all this.
I spend time on mn to exercise my desire for human connection! 🤣
To be fair I do have good friends who I love, but we moved area so only see them about twice a year, and haven't built up our local connections yet for various reasons.
So I don't have anything like the social life I'd wish for. I do get pangs of envy when I see people who have that.
I have lots to be grateful for also, but you can know that and still know you'd love to have more time with friends.