To ask for advice on how to make closer friendships?

[Beansandneedles]

This post is going to come across as super desperate. I don't let these thoughts out in polite society, but this is MN and I'm laying myself bare. Also apologies in advance that being succinct is not a key skill of mine.

I think my OH and I are good people. We enjoy hosting BBQs, annual events or low key after school hangs. We're the kind of people who'll bring you a chocolate bar just because, or offer to pick up your kid from school. I love random acts of kindness, helping people and organising things. People they say things which suggest we're good company and good hosts. But we hardly ever hear from or see friends or family unless we instigate the get together and it's making us both feel rather disconnected from the people were meant to consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't host/do acts of kindness in expectation that they are reciprocated. I genuinely like to do it. But I guess I did hope that we would find a group of mates who we ended up seeing regularly who would become the inner sanctum and we'd all help each other out and enjoy one anothers company. Especially now we're in the school years and a good number of our crew don't have any family support networks close-by.

We've lived in our area for about 6 years now, most of the people we knew from baby groups have ended up in the same primary school as DS. We often hear on a Monday that people have hung out together over the weekend. I've asked outright once with people I know best/trust most and the feedback seems to be that we come across as very busy people. One person said I seem to be someone who has everything together and doesn't really need anyone else. This was after a family bereavement when I was an absolute shell of a human. I outright said that this isn't the case and said we're open to more social invites, and at times have been super honest on how lonely I am, but nothing has changed.

Over the past year I've suggested:

• a regular pub night with school parents
• that some mum friends and I get together to try a social sport like climbing as a regular or semi regular thing. We agreed Tuesday evenings work for everyone...literally hasn't happened once.
• my OH has tried to get people together for a pub night or darts at ours
• something really low key like just coming over for a hang in case it's a budget thing
• tried to instigate a weekly hang after school in a local playground just as a regular thing in the routine
• have asked people about festivals or camping trips or something during the school holidays

None of the above have taken off. People don't seem to commit in advance and then when asked closer to the time they're busy. It all seems so innocent, people seem to forget/be overwhelmed by life. It doesn't seem malicious or anything. Trying to be super breezy about it, not hounding people or being outwardly as needy as I sound in this post but seriously this can't be normal?!

I'd love nothing more than a good group of mates who I see on a weekly basis. Or fortnightly if weekly is unrealistic. I'd even take monthly!! Just something I can rely on. But I seem to be missing a trick on how this happens. I'm so fricking lonely. Maybe everyone is just lying and we're actually dull as shit?! Idk how to not take it personally or make it better.

I agree with previous posters, it’s not you it’s modern life. People don’t necessarily want to commit to regular things.

GO and do the things you want to anyway such as climbing or pub quiz/darts etc with DH. You’ll meet people more organically this way. If you want company once a month keep inviting people for play dates/around for bbqs but without the proviso that if they come for tea once on a Wednesday they must come every Wednesday following that!!

I have felt this way in the past too and I do think mobile phones/social media has a lot to do with it - we feel as if we're less lonely/busy as we always have something to fill the void but in fact have poorer quality connections. It doesn't help when I see how much 'fun' everyone else seems to be having with friends (nights out, holidays, special events etc...) on social media but I have learnt to a)ignore it and b) it's a curated life, not necessarily an accurate depiction. Also people are less 'present' during interactions - I particularly loathe the 'apple watch' (other makes available...) where people will openly read message whilst you are in the middle of a conversation.

I was disappointed that I didn't make any 'mum friends' as such when ds was a baby but I realised that we didn't have anything in common necessarily - just that we all had a small child. The constant small talk does my head in when you are trying to foster these relationships - trying to ascertain who might be your friend, only to find it goes nowhere and you have to start again.

It doesn't help that we are all very busy and more importantly incredibly tired 😴 It's one thing planning an evening out, it's quite another to work out how you're going to get there, back again, what time will you get home, work/school in the morning, home commitments. Sometimes I struggle just to think about what to make for dinner.

And then there are personality types, income differences, distance, working hours, family setups etc... etc...

I am not giving up though and am still working on building my support network as we do not live in a town and our closest relatives are over an hour away. I am fortunate to have separate friends pre-children that also have children so I do still have meet ups and they have come organically.

It's more important to think about the friendships you have and what they give you, than try to create something. Speaking to a friend who managed to have a large group of mum friends at one point - they have since drifted into different cliques as their children have grown and formed their own natural friendships.

So, in short, it's okay to feel this way but it may be that you are chasing an impossible dream ❤️

I can relate to this too, OP.

Me and my DH do similar to you. We often arrange group gatherings and social activities etc. but I feel like I struggle to get close, intimate connection.

In my experience you have to be a bit vulnerable and put yourself out there. If you are only arranging group get togethers, people will just see you as very 'together' and perhaps not really in need of day-to-day chatter and company.

I think you need to actively initiate something with an individual and make it clear to them that you like them. And maybe try to talk about something real/ vulnerable about yourself. It's hard though because it puts you at risk of rejection, but that's life I guess!

Also, sometimes you might be looking in the wrong place. People at the school gates are likely to be busy or have their own stuff going on. Maybe try a hobby group or something a bit more relaxed, or ask someone to go for a coffee with you sometime.

Anyway I'm giving advice as if I know what I'm talking about but I struggle with this too, despite having a very wide circle of friends, I often don't feel intimately connected to them.

Frankly a lot of it is luck. We moved with a baby and a toddler to a small city. Several other couples with same age kids had also moved so were open to friendships as all new in town as well. I put myself out there at toddler groups lots of knock backs but met about 5 like minded women. Through them met more. Plus it’s a nice city so same demographic to us.

Talked to my friends sister at the weekend lovely woman said she had no friends as they lived in a rural location no one like minded. She said she was so lonely and it was like a prison sentence. She was so lovely and interesting and someone I would have been friends with but she had no local friends at all having lived there 10 years. So be careful where you live I guess.,