To ask for advice on how to make closer friendships?

[Beansandneedles]

This post is going to come across as super desperate. I don't let these thoughts out in polite society, but this is MN and I'm laying myself bare. Also apologies in advance that being succinct is not a key skill of mine.

I think my OH and I are good people. We enjoy hosting BBQs, annual events or low key after school hangs. We're the kind of people who'll bring you a chocolate bar just because, or offer to pick up your kid from school. I love random acts of kindness, helping people and organising things. People they say things which suggest we're good company and good hosts. But we hardly ever hear from or see friends or family unless we instigate the get together and it's making us both feel rather disconnected from the people were meant to consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't host/do acts of kindness in expectation that they are reciprocated. I genuinely like to do it. But I guess I did hope that we would find a group of mates who we ended up seeing regularly who would become the inner sanctum and we'd all help each other out and enjoy one anothers company. Especially now we're in the school years and a good number of our crew don't have any family support networks close-by.

We've lived in our area for about 6 years now, most of the people we knew from baby groups have ended up in the same primary school as DS. We often hear on a Monday that people have hung out together over the weekend. I've asked outright once with people I know best/trust most and the feedback seems to be that we come across as very busy people. One person said I seem to be someone who has everything together and doesn't really need anyone else. This was after a family bereavement when I was an absolute shell of a human. I outright said that this isn't the case and said we're open to more social invites, and at times have been super honest on how lonely I am, but nothing has changed.

Over the past year I've suggested:

• a regular pub night with school parents
• that some mum friends and I get together to try a social sport like climbing as a regular or semi regular thing. We agreed Tuesday evenings work for everyone...literally hasn't happened once.
• my OH has tried to get people together for a pub night or darts at ours
• something really low key like just coming over for a hang in case it's a budget thing
• tried to instigate a weekly hang after school in a local playground just as a regular thing in the routine
• have asked people about festivals or camping trips or something during the school holidays

None of the above have taken off. People don't seem to commit in advance and then when asked closer to the time they're busy. It all seems so innocent, people seem to forget/be overwhelmed by life. It doesn't seem malicious or anything. Trying to be super breezy about it, not hounding people or being outwardly as needy as I sound in this post but seriously this can't be normal?!

I'd love nothing more than a good group of mates who I see on a weekly basis. Or fortnightly if weekly is unrealistic. I'd even take monthly!! Just something I can rely on. But I seem to be missing a trick on how this happens. I'm so fricking lonely. Maybe everyone is just lying and we're actually dull as shit?! Idk how to not take it personally or make it better.

I think a lot of people's social appetite is satisfied by work. Mine isn't as I WFH.
Joining a weekly activity would be easier as you won't have to herd cats!

My home isn't conducive for having people over either..( London).

I’m single & childfree, mostly WFH & still wouldn’t have time to commit to a weekly meetup. I think the advice about joining hobby or interest groups is a really good idea.

Also as someone else said, the problem with big friendship groups is often navigating the politics!

Posted on this too much but I find groups hard these days. I can't be vulnerable or talk about private stuff. Also people are very polarised on many issues including politics, Palestine and the CoL. I need to be wary about what I say. In my hobby groups I just talk about the hobby.

How is once a week too much? What is this “busy” that you can’t even socialise? I meet local friends for brunch weekly and Friday night at a local pub. Friendships need maintenance. Rolling cast of who goes there’s about 20 of us some go some don’t. Then parties /nights out /bands within the group whoever fancies it. Also new hobbies / book clubs etc. Weekends away. All local school parents met through kids who are now teens and teens mostly not still friends but who cares. Feel lucky that we moved to right area.

I think more people than you realise are not doing much.
I recently spoke to someone I assumed was really sociable, she told me she seldom goes out , but didn’t seem she wanted to do more.
Maybe find the activity, find people to talk to who may become friends.

Wow @TheaBrandt that's great. I moved away from where my DC grew up so I have lost my schoolgate friends.

Yes I can never get a word in edgeways in a group. Just last week I was at an event in a bar and it was all I could do to concentrate on what someone was saying and actually hear them. I woke up in the night after worrying about things I said or should have said 😄 yet I can happily go for a 1:1 coffee with anyone from the same group and have a totally chilled time where I can contribute and feel not only have I got to know the person a bit more but they’ve got to know me.
Even in a quieter group situation, say a dinner, I fall into much more of a listener role and if someone asks me my thoughts or a question I can never get my thoughts together coherently anyway it seems 😅

Hi OP,
Another one here that really relates. We were the ones who hosted all family events, but have taken a step back now, and no one else is bothering.

I’m a SAHM and all of my friends work so aren’t as available to hang out as me. Everyone seems busy or can’t be bothered to socialise since Covid.

I have expressed to friends and family about feeling lonely. My friends tend to manage a meet up every 4-6 weeks as long as I organise it, but my family thinks I’ve got such a cushy life that they almost want to punish me for it.

I actually found mumsnet to be a huge help in terms of feeling connected to the outside world and being part of intelligent conversations. I’ve also joined a Zumba class and hope to make some friends from that. Hopefully, once my kids start school, I will be able to make friends with the other mums through play dates 🤞🏻

@RomeoRivers "my family thinks I’ve got such a cushy life that they almost want to punish me for it"

This is a theme among my (former) friends, they think being single and childfree = very easy life, I can see why but I'm a bit shocked they don't see that I might still have problems. I'm glad you said this because the word "punish" has really resonated with me.

"Everyone seems busy or can’t be bothered to socialise since Covid"

This is so key. I found the situation extremely damaging as well. It hasn't left me not wanting to see people though. The couple of friends I do have left have gone from messaging daily to once every three weeks or so. Then it takes them ages to reply to a message.

From your perspective @Beansandneedles I think getting a group together will be a challenge but I wish you the best of luck. It's taken me a long time to unpack this, to stop blaming myself but I do now think a big factor is people getting their needs met from socialising online or even just looking at stuff online.

I completely understand that people feel overwhelmed by daily life but similar problems applied in the past. I'm sorry so many people are struggling with loneliness, the fact that people say this on here is helpful as it's made me realise I didn't do anything bad or suddenly become a horrible person to be around.

We've hosted and hosted and hosted - everyone loves coming over for dinner/BBQs. We very rarely get asked to go anywhere, so we've stopped.

We put out an invitation for Christmas drinks at our house. So many people didn't even acknowledge the invitation, so we won't be doing that again.

I used to drive every interaction, and created a great social life for myself, doing a couple of social things a week. I now focus on 2 or 3 friends only and am happy to socialise every month/couple of months and just potter around with my husband the rest of the time.
I also attend a weekly club and go to the gym. I also go to the office a couple of times a week, which gives me a decent dose of people time.

A friend I was close to, who lives half a mile away, needs literally 3 months notice to meet for 1 hour. I'm just not engaging with that level of insanity!

People lack social skills, are too wrapped up in themselves to even remember other people exist and are busy busy busy!!! So fucking busy!

Yes what is this “busy?”. Think it actually means “sitting on the sofa on my phone”.

Much prefer casual rolling meet ups than the formal in the diary. We have a lively what’s app “anyone in town fancy a coffee” “anyone fancy cinema tomorrow etc”. Much more fluid and natural

@EmmaEmerald it makes me sad that you can relate. There seems to be a lot more jealousy and resentment now towards anyone seen as having an ‘easier’ life than others.

@MrKDilkington we were exactly like you, hosting and hosting, never receiving invitations back, people not bothering to RSVP then turning up unexpectedly. Yet there was outrage when we told everyone at NYE 2022 that we would not be hosting NYE the following year, because it was too much work/cost (sit down meal for 30+ with a newborn and toddler) and we were told how selfish we were 🙄 They’re going to get a shock when they don’t get invites for BBQs this summer….

I have several close friends and a wide circle of friends generally but the close friends I met in different settings and at different times. It wouldn't make sense to do something together socially but they do all know about each other. I am in close and regular contact with them all.
As a couple we are part of a club with 200 members and work on the land and buildings along with social events is undertaken by members. That does give a great social life and we mostly spend things like New Year and many other occasions there. We are off on a coach trip with them later this month. If you are looking for that kind of group try sailing clubs or steam train enthusiasts or canal restoration.

People think they don't have to organise things because you always do.

Don't do it and see if anything changes. Tell people it's their turn.

Well, people can be busy in all sorts of ways:

• working between 40 and 60 hours a week
• studying - professional exams / masters etc
• parenting..... taking your dc to their activities, supporting with homework or just doing things like cooking together
• all the humdrum stuff - cleaning, shopping, admin, cooking, washing, gardening, DIY, appointments at optician, dentist, etc, etc
• going to Church / mosque / Gurdwara / Temple / Synagogue
• Adults' own hobbies
• Adults' volunteering

and this is what seems to be being overlooked

• Seeing other friends.
• Seeing family

I would say it is far more unusual to have hours to spend with friends every week than for parents of young children to not have the capacity to do that.

Yes. Busy doesn’t even have to mean things that involve work or chores.

Outside work time, a bit of housework & volunteering, my weekly ‘busy’ is 3 gym sessions, classes Monday & Thursday evenings & volunteer meetings every other week. Plus seeing friends maybe every couple of weeks.

It’s perfectly ok for me to schedule in time to lie on my sofa with my phone & the cat.

(Single & childfree by choice so I do get that my version of ‘busy’ is very different from that of someone with small kids).

@Lovetotravel123 interesting point. My friends and the people I meet are often less educated than me and I really struggle to fit in. I’m not highly educated by national standards, I am for my small home town though.

1.confide in people occasionally. Share emotional things with them. Be vulnerable. Let them see your house when it's a bit messy, see you in your leggings. Laugh at yourself.

1. Gossip a bit? I know a woman sounds a bit like you but its like she won't ever chat about people we know etc, its all a bit prim and proper.
2. Be relaxed, assume the best of people and don't read too much into things

I don't think your DC's schools are the best place to make "close friendships" for yourselves. Is that what you're aiming for, as you've mentioned "school" at least 4 times.

I've never made close friends with school parents, not been bothered about it either.

Correction: the word school at least 6 times. Why focus on your DC's educational establishment to find friends? Doesn't mean you have anything else in common.

OP, you mention "a good group of mates".
Maybe try to find friends in different places instead? They don't have to be in the same group.

Great advice from @Tallesttiptoes .

A group of mates/friend group is not always realistic.
In tv series and movies people have friend groups - they are very involved in each others lives, they hang out all the time, they help each other out at the drop of a hat, they have some drama, but they all have so much fun, and they love each other soooo much, and everything always works out in the end.
Maybe those friend groups exist in real life, in some cases. But I think many people do not have that sort of friend group.

What are your interests and hobbies? What hobbies and interests does your OH have?

I am involved in several different clubs/organisations, connected to my interests, and it has given me lots of friends. But you have to really get involved and you have to be patient. Friendships grow over time.

(Edited to change the word "husband" to "OH".)

I also could have written this. Although unlike you, I have never suggested anything. I’d be too mortified if no one took me up on it. I sometimes stand in the playground and feel like some kind of social outcast, even though I know I’m a perfectly nice, normal human. Whilst I chat one on one with a few school Mums, I don’t go beyond that, there’s never social things I’m included in.

The activities seem like a good idea but I guess a lot of people are busy and can't commit to a weekly event.

Based on what others have said on here, there are a lot of people who won't socialise for whatever reason.

So- you need to find the ones that do. Join social activities - book group, climbing, community garden, whatever you like - to find the people who are actively wanting to go out and meet people. Branch out from school gate parents, embrace people older, younger, some single, some child free, who share a common interest.

This is interesting, and OP you sound lovely! I don't know if this helps, but I'd love to socialise more. But I have young children, I work full time, if someone suggested socialising regularly once a week I actually think I would break down and weep with utter exhaustion!