To ask for advice on how to make closer friendships?

[Beansandneedles]

This post is going to come across as super desperate. I don't let these thoughts out in polite society, but this is MN and I'm laying myself bare. Also apologies in advance that being succinct is not a key skill of mine.

I think my OH and I are good people. We enjoy hosting BBQs, annual events or low key after school hangs. We're the kind of people who'll bring you a chocolate bar just because, or offer to pick up your kid from school. I love random acts of kindness, helping people and organising things. People they say things which suggest we're good company and good hosts. But we hardly ever hear from or see friends or family unless we instigate the get together and it's making us both feel rather disconnected from the people were meant to consider friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't host/do acts of kindness in expectation that they are reciprocated. I genuinely like to do it. But I guess I did hope that we would find a group of mates who we ended up seeing regularly who would become the inner sanctum and we'd all help each other out and enjoy one anothers company. Especially now we're in the school years and a good number of our crew don't have any family support networks close-by.

We've lived in our area for about 6 years now, most of the people we knew from baby groups have ended up in the same primary school as DS. We often hear on a Monday that people have hung out together over the weekend. I've asked outright once with people I know best/trust most and the feedback seems to be that we come across as very busy people. One person said I seem to be someone who has everything together and doesn't really need anyone else. This was after a family bereavement when I was an absolute shell of a human. I outright said that this isn't the case and said we're open to more social invites, and at times have been super honest on how lonely I am, but nothing has changed.

Over the past year I've suggested:

• a regular pub night with school parents
• that some mum friends and I get together to try a social sport like climbing as a regular or semi regular thing. We agreed Tuesday evenings work for everyone...literally hasn't happened once.
• my OH has tried to get people together for a pub night or darts at ours
• something really low key like just coming over for a hang in case it's a budget thing
• tried to instigate a weekly hang after school in a local playground just as a regular thing in the routine
• have asked people about festivals or camping trips or something during the school holidays

None of the above have taken off. People don't seem to commit in advance and then when asked closer to the time they're busy. It all seems so innocent, people seem to forget/be overwhelmed by life. It doesn't seem malicious or anything. Trying to be super breezy about it, not hounding people or being outwardly as needy as I sound in this post but seriously this can't be normal?!

I'd love nothing more than a good group of mates who I see on a weekly basis. Or fortnightly if weekly is unrealistic. I'd even take monthly!! Just something I can rely on. But I seem to be missing a trick on how this happens. I'm so fricking lonely. Maybe everyone is just lying and we're actually dull as shit?! Idk how to not take it personally or make it better.

I'm one of those people who regularly does nothing at the weekend. In reality I'm exhausted, mentally overstimulated and socialised out from a full time job and kids. I've always been this way and used to force myself to see people, but over Covid realised it was always me making the effort and stopped. Lost most of my friends as a result so now I'm lonely. I think a lot of people are where I am with life tbh.

Maybe it’s the ‘weekly’ issue people don’t feel like they cant commit to? I definitely wouldn’t be keen/able to do something every week.

For context, I’m very fortunate and have had the same group of friends since day 1 of secondary school, we are all now in our 40’s. We see each other once every 2-3 months maximum. Text probably every 1-2 weeks in a group chat. Absolutely love them all but impossible to see them every week.

Perhaps join an interest group such as a climbing club? You sound really nice, but maybe you’re being abit unrealistic in what a friendship group ‘timetable’ looks like?

Once a week is too much! No one is going to commit to that. And I think if you keep suggesting weekly catch ups it is going to potentially come across as a bit desperate and needy. I'm sure people would be happy to catch up here and there. But my guess is that they are afraid to agree to one thing because of your desire to tie them down to regular, weekly events.

Think its quite hard to form friendships under the group setting you describe. I would start by focusing on one or two people for each thing and build a bond, over said aspect then maybe add in others.

For example, the climbing, ask the one who seemed the most keen to go. See if you can do that for a few weeks, build your friendship around the shared activity, then try bring in another and another. DO the playground thing with a different person or two.

Trying to create a successful group friendship is quite a big task, just start by focusing on the individual bonds.

I organised back in the day a meet up of local expats via MN. It was terrifying. But we had a lovely day, started a FB group to which new people got added and i met people and met other people through them and everything grew organically from there. And the babies/kids from that meet up are at Uni or hulking teenagers and people have moved all over and we mostly stay in contact and I have made lasting local friends and it was one of my best ever "take a deep breath and do it" moments.

Sadly I'm not sure the MN environment lends itself to this anymore.

Weekly definitely too much. Also IRL life is not "Friends". They didn't seem to do a lick of work. Also these days I prefer one to one rather than group friendships. Easier to catch up.

I think the friendship groups you are aspiring to aren't really the norm any more.

Technically I have one of those large organic groups of friends from childhood/formative years but I opted out of it a while ago. I'm still in the WhatsApp group but don't do any of the stuff because I basically can't be arsed.

I've got a new 'school mum friends' group but it's very occasional. That suits me fine.

I've got a couple of close groups of current and ex colleagues. Nice to spend time with occasionally.

I look at my parents who are closing in on retirement and although they have friends they socialise with there's not some big gaggle of mates that meet regularly, I think it's a bit of a social construct from friends / sex and the city etc from the 90s

As well as that, I think social media has replaced the human need to gossip/ socialise in person. It's neater and relies a fraction of the effort and cost for most of the same reward.

You sound so bloody lovely OP, I’m quietly hoping you live in my corner of London so we can hang out (SE, sounds like a vegetable).

It’s difficult really. I agree with PP - I think you’re barking up the wrong tree withe school mums, for reasons that aren’t to do with you. Find a weekly hobby, get stuck in and you’ll make friends.

I also think that families with young kids especially can do weekends/downtimes very very differently. I have younger kids who still nap - I’ll never schedule things over weekend lunchtime. Etc etc. Another friend and her family basically spend all weekend on their allotment.

Sending lots of good wishes and hoping things improve for you. Those school mums are missing out hugely.

I was lonely as fuck during the primary - and secondary - school years. Didn't help that I was a single parent and you just don't get included in invites in the same way because you're only 'half a couple'. Now, though, I've finally got myself together, I have lots of hobbies and am getting to know new people with whom I actually have things in common (amd not just kids the same age). If you do make friends at the school gates, then fine. But I'd also strongly recommend that you try and meet people through shared interests. You'll find your tribe eventually and those friendships will endure.

More people than you know are in this position. It's funny, we've never been so connected but seem to get more distant from everyone. No more "it takes a village". We watch people on reels and TikTok and that seems to constitute for a social interaction.

I thought I'd be really close with my kids friends parents like my mum was but I'm not overly forward and either they're not or they never suggest any activity/plan. I don't go to any clubs and I really enjoy time with my kids/DP so don't push others. We also pull away from social gatherings but really enjoy them when we do them.

I feel a bit like that lonely whale that no other whales can hear who gets more lonely as and gets more of a tone they can't hear.

To sum up, it's really not you or you doing anything wrong. You just haven't found the right people in your area.

God, I so hate social media friendships and socialisation. The meaningless likes, the pointless hugs, the lack of privacy...I hate it all.
Would so much rather meet people in person. But most people wouldn't.

I personally find hosting groups or even just one other family pretty exhausting, so I don't invite people that often. Maybe your friends / acquaintances feel the same and don't want to take you up on your offer because they know they can't/ won't reciprocate. Also certain people who I did make the effort with have faded away, so it all feels like a waste of time in a way. I do make friends fairly easily, but I much prefer hanging out with them outside the home, e.g. on walks or the pub. Groups can be problematic anyway because quite often some people fall out and then you're stuck in the middle (or annoyed that they're not siding with you). As others have said, I would stop trying so hard and just go about your life, job, hobbies; you're bound to meet some like-minded people sooner or later.

I totally relate to this, I've just moved to a new city and totally understand what you mean. I've felt so lonely.
I've noticed the more relaxed I've got about it, the more it's happening naturally (well one close friend). I spent a couple of weekends with old friends, and then I was more relaxed, and then hanging out with new friends happened. That stuff is so weird the way it works. I think just be yourself, you sound lovely, keep going, it'll happen

I agree with those who say you can’t curate a group by sheer force of will. I think you need to acknowledge that if you’re continually trying to get people to do things, and it’s not happening, and you regularly find that they’ve spontaneously seen other people from your set over the weekend, then it’s likely they just like them more — it’s no disparagement of you. Sometimes people are just drawn more to some people over others, no matter how nice those others are. I’d forget trying to create a group, focus on individual friendships where they arise, and find things you love doing.

My husband and I moved into a completely new town (and country) when my kids were teens. I treated finding friends like a job. It takes a long time and you have to keep trying. I joined a PTA and targeted two women that I thought I'd get on with. I took my time but I'm now in their group. It's hard because they all already had enough friends but I muscled my way in. They are a lovely group and I now feel very comfortable with them. We meet to play sports or walk in a group but I also meet up with a few of them on their own or in smaller groups.
I'm also friends with a couple of my neighbors.

You sound nice! Do you work? I'd carry on as you are but maybe try asking people for a walk or a coffee.

Think less about hosting big groups and have individual coffees or invite 1 person to your house for a catch up. I personally host lots of events, and the only way I have built actual friendships are through 121 time.

It allows you and them to get to know who you are, it is so much easier to share vulnerabilities - and its less daunting. It is easier to bail when a big group is involved, however with a coffee (or similar) its more intimate.

I find that the people that do then turn up to the events I host or birthday parties are people I know and that I/ have spent time with.

This has to be ongoing - you have to make time for peple and let people get to know who you are.

This is such an interesting concept.
You sound lovely OP

I want to be your friend! You sound absolutely lovely.

Though, what are other people's circumstances? I struggle to meet people once every few months, let alone every week - purely due to full time work, long commute, childcare and partner away a lot. So often I don't really arrange things either because I don't even have time to think!

I could have written your post OP!

Ive got enough friends that I could meet up with someone most weeks…if I’m the one to instigate it. I feel like people must like me because they say yes and we have fun, but none ever invites me anywhere… I’ve really struggled to make new friends in the few years I’ve lived in my current location, I have a handful of friendships which are enjoyable but just not as close as I’d like them to be.

I agree with the other posters that making a group happen is hard/unlikely. Better to cultivate 1:1 friendships and look to natural groups - eg go to a regular climbing club and get to know the other people who go, rather than trying to make a new group of climbers.

Wow what amazing comments to wake up to. Thank you everyone. I think the point about Friends and other such programs seriously resonated. I feel like without family around that's the sort of thing I'm yearning for. But this post has made me realise I'm reaching for something unrealistic. Sad balloon to have popped!!

So many of your comments resonated, wishing we could all buy a village together so we'd be surrounded by the besties we've cultivated for example. This is something friends say often as people try to cultivate relationships with their neighbours to the same level as ones they already have elsewhere.

I do reach out to people 1 on 1, but I can see now my expectations for how often we'd hang out have probably been tainting my enjoyment of the times I actually do see them. Especially as someone mentioned, we all have small children right now so time is tight and the exhaustion is strong! I'm going to try and be more grateful for what I have rather than feeling negative that it isn't more.

Also definitely going to follow the advice about a hobby. Will go climbing whether or not others can come and see how I get on.

This thread has been so validating and heartwarming. I was slightly terrified to hit send with an aibu but I'm so glad I did. Thanks all.

I think trying to get people to commit to something regularly is a bit unrealistic and maybe is coming on a bit strong ? Like you'd have more luck suggesting one off things

Similar is it all school parents you're trying to build these stronger connections with because I've generally found that people do have their own regular group of friends and a lot of Time commitments.

I would.go climbing alone. You'll meet people there it's quite a social sport.

This is my situation, I have some 2 best friends and about 5 good friends. Then lots of casual friends, school mums I would meet for coffee etc
None of them know eachorher other than through me. They have been at say my wedding or odd birthday party but it would never be a suggestion that we all go camping or something so yeah I completely get where you are coming from and I do know lots of people who do have groups like that.
Also I find that whereas I might like some Mum's the husbands seem to a bit strange 🙈 in one way or another and I just can't see any husband getting along with them even though he's fairly laid back.
Similarly he met a guy at our daughters football at the weekend who is from the same country as my husband and also works in similar line of work which is really unusual as its a very niche job.
He asked my DH to go for a beer which sounds lovely, then I heard his wife is to be avoided at all costs as she is a 'pain in the arse social climber!'
So yeah OP, you sound lovely and I'm in the same boat. There's nothing wrong with you, don't worry x

You sound great and I doubt the issue is you. I often analyse my own situation and have noticed that the people who aren’t so keen on being friends with me are those who have less education than I do. That sounds really snobby but it’s not. I want to be friends with them but it isn’t reciprocated. So, could it be that you’re targeting the wrong people? How about trying to join a group that already exists such as a local book club? The one I go to also includes regular cinema trips etc. and talking to people there, I realise that others have the same challenges that I do.

People are lazy.

they often do what’s most convenient for them. When these people say they’re busy, they’re probably hanging out with relatives, or old friends. It’s basically easier for them to do this than meet up with someone they don’t know as well.

I find people tend not to make much effort with friendships once they have a family. They will all be the ones saying how lonely they are when kids grow up/ partner dies.

i also think you might be trying too hard. As someone said upthread, you can’t curate friendships. My mum friends have happened organically and not at school gates.

also- I’m pretty sociable and love the idea of meet ups, but I rarely have time. Even the aforementioned friends, I only catch up with them rarely as we’re all busy.

id also find it a bit intense to have to commit to regular meet ups at the park- people often arrange dentist appointments etc after school.

I had a huge issue with loneliness years ago and a few months ago started seeing the signs of it creeping back in. I joined Bumble BFF. I've had plenty of friend 'dates" and not everything has worked out but I've made 2 close friends and another couple of social friends. I'd recommend it.