To think he should have booked annual leave

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Quick overview - ex went to court for a court order in regards to seeing our youngest. Judge wanted to know why he’d bothered, as he asked for less than he was currently being offered, but whatever. Long story short, according to the order, school holidays should be split 50/50 (in addition to some weekends in term time). Ex doesn’t really abide by this, and this year DD (now15) will spend just three weeks (out of the fourteen weeks school holidays) with him and his new partner, this last week was one of the three. She returned last night, and has just mentioned that she spent the whole week bored in her room, on her own, as her DF didn’t book any annual leave, and she can’t meet up with friends while she is staying there due to logistics, transport and distance. AIBU to think that if he’s going to insist she goes for a week, that he should at least book annual leave? I really want her to have a good relationship with him, but it feels as if he thwarts it at every turn. She seems less and less bothered about going at all, but I don’t want to be the one to say categorically that at her age she now has a choice, as I worry it could be classed as “parental alienation” - I’ve always just been quite matter of fact about following the court order as if it’s a “given” rather than a discussion.
(and yes, I know I can’t FORCE him to do anything, such as spend more time with our DD)

No, sadly he’s convinced them that the reason he takes no interest is THEIR shortcomings, so they jump through hoops to be “worthy” of his attention. I could give plenty of examples, but they’d be too “outing”.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4708827-how-do-single-parents-do-it?postsby=BillyNotQuiteNoMates

perhaps he has serious financial difficulties 🤷

I'm not sure why you're worrying about covering eleven weeks of holiday between you when your child is 15 years old. The issue here isn't that he needs a parent at home with her all the time during the day, it's that when she's at her dad's house she doesn't have the option to see friends etc, so has literally nothing else to do other than wait for him to get home.

When she's at your house, that presumably doesn't apply - so it really doesn't matter if you're at work because she can make plans with friends etc.

Honestly, I think you're being much too scared of rocking the boat - I'm wondering if your ex was abusive/controlling, because you still sound a bit frightened of what he might do? I promise you, It's perfectly OK to tell a 15-year-old that she doesn't have to go anywhere if she doesn't want to. She's too old now for you to be worrying about being accused of parental alienation thing - she's not a young child any more and she's perfectly capable of having mature conversations with you about this kind of thing.

If your daughter did happen to decide that she didn't want to see him, or would like to see less of him than she currently does, there is no way in a million years that a court would try to force her to. Generally speaking, when a child is past primary school age, the court tends to respect the child's wishes regarding contact with the absent parent, and any solicitor would tell your ex that if he approached them. In reality, my guess is that deep down he's unlikely to be bothered if she sees him or not, although I'm sure he wouldn't admit that openly.

I seriously doubt it tbh. Their income is six figures, more than 4x my own, and he pays very little CM as part of the financial settlement

Thank you, your response actually made me cry. Made me realise that I haven’t got out from under his shadow, even after seven years. You’re right, I still feel as if a sword of Damocles hangs over my head every time I step out of line. Thank you.

OP, please ignore some of the pedantic PPs on here. Those of us who have been in similar circumstances completely understand. When the non-resident parent barely sees their child, you do expect them to put in some effort when they do see them. The whole point of contact time is just that, contact with the NRP, if they then spend the majority of that time working then it benefits no one! It’s not a case of “well she would be bored at your house”, that may well be the case, but you also see her on a daily basis and are the resident parent, it’s not like you’re forfeiting your only opportunities to see her by not taking annual leave.

I would sit down and have a chat with her, open-ended questions “how do you feel about going to your dad’s”, “what do you like about it, what don’t you like” “what could be improved on” or “if you could change anything about it, what would that be?”

was his partner present whilst he was at work? does your dad get on well with her?

why does he pay very little CM if his salary is so high and such limited contact?

No, they were both working.
Not sure what my dad has to do with anything, but they don’t see a lot of each other, due to distance

Please just go away. I get it. You have a low bar when it comes to men. But no one else agrees with you, so maybe try raising your bar a bit.