Page 3 | To think he should have booked annual leave

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 2024-04-07T10:24:58+00:00

Quick overview - ex went to court for a court order in regards to seeing our youngest. Judge wanted to know why he’d bothered, as he asked for less than he was currently being offered, but whatever. Long story short, according to the order, school holidays should be split 50/50 (in addition to some weekends in term time). Ex doesn’t really abide by this, and this year DD (now15) will spend just three weeks (out of the fourteen weeks school holidays) with him and his new partner, this last week was one of the three. She returned last night, and has just mentioned that she spent the whole week bored in her room, on her own, as her DF didn’t book any annual leave, and she can’t meet up with friends while she is staying there due to logistics, transport and distance. AIBU to think that if he’s going to insist she goes for a week, that he should at least book annual leave? I really want her to have a good relationship with him, but it feels as if he thwarts it at every turn. She seems less and less bothered about going at all, but I don’t want to be the one to say categorically that at her age she now has a choice, as I worry it could be classed as “parental alienation” - I’ve always just been quite matter of fact about following the court order as if it’s a “given” rather than a discussion. (and yes, I know I can’t FORCE him to do anything, such as spend more time with our DD)

Original poster

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:17

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:15

my point?

shes 15
she didn’t contact you during her week of boredom
she had no plans that week anyway
presumably had a load of revision to do
and has never in 7 years said she does not want to go to bed dad’s

sje said she was “bored”. no biggie. both my teens have been bored last week too 😆

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Cross posted
OK so you think I’m being unreasonable to expect her dad to want to spend time with his daughter, during the three weeks she spends with him. Thanks for your opinion. I take it on board. It just makes me sad.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2024 16:17

Honestly does no-one think that she has been told there is a court order that "must"be complied with? If my children are told that there is an official bit of paper saying you must do this or else they do it my son dragged himself into school feeling sick as a dog because he didn't want to get me into trouble I caught the same bug it nearly fucking floored me

Basically
Some children don't moan if they are told they have no choice it doesn't make them happy about the situation

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:18

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:17

Cross posted
OK so you think I’m being unreasonable to expect her dad to want to spend time with his daughter, during the three weeks she spends with him. Thanks for your opinion. I take it on board. It just makes me sad.

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is this the first year he’s done so?!

and i’d be more concerned that my teen didn’t pick up phone to me to say bored and lonely in one course of 3 weeks!

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:19

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2024 16:17

Honestly does no-one think that she has been told there is a court order that "must"be complied with? If my children are told that there is an official bit of paper saying you must do this or else they do it my son dragged himself into school feeling sick as a dog because he didn't want to get me into trouble I caught the same bug it nearly fucking floored me

Basically
Some children don't moan if they are told they have no choice it doesn't make them happy about the situation

not at almost 16, no

Original poster

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:35

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:15

and…. he wasn’t leaving her alone at previous years?

does she have any half siblings at his?

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No half siblings - one step brother who is in the army and not around

I don’t think they’ve left her alone for work on previous visits.

OP posts:

Original poster

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:35

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2024 16:17

Honestly does no-one think that she has been told there is a court order that "must"be complied with? If my children are told that there is an official bit of paper saying you must do this or else they do it my son dragged himself into school feeling sick as a dog because he didn't want to get me into trouble I caught the same bug it nearly fucking floored me

Basically
Some children don't moan if they are told they have no choice it doesn't make them happy about the situation

Thank you. That’s exactly the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:36

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:18

is this the first year he’s done so?!

and i’d be more concerned that my teen didn’t pick up phone to me to say bored and lonely in one course of 3 weeks!

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You don’t seem to have any real points to make tbh, so I’m going to stop replying to you now. You can troll someone else’s post.

OP posts:

LIZS · 07/04/2024 16:47

At 15 cannot she entertain herself for a few hours? What does she do at home, are you around all the time?

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:51

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 16:35

Thank you. That’s exactly the situation.

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so if that is the situation

baffling that you haven’t discussed this with her
or seemed to have had any contact with her beyond “hi” in the 3 weeks she was at her dad’s

Original poster

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/04/2024 17:13

LIZS · 07/04/2024 16:47

At 15 cannot she entertain herself for a few hours? What does she do at home, are you around all the time?

It’s not about whether she can entertain herself, or course she can 😂. I just find it sad that her father doesn’t choose to spend the little time he COULD spend with her, actually spending time with her. He’d prefer to use his annual leave when she isn’t around.

OP posts:

sparkellie · 07/04/2024 17:17

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 16:51

so if that is the situation

baffling that you haven’t discussed this with her
or seemed to have had any contact with her beyond “hi” in the 3 weeks she was at her dad’s

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I think she was there a week. The 3 weeks is the total amount of holiday the dad is having her for over the year.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:24

sparkellie · 07/04/2024 17:17

I think she was there a week. The 3 weeks is the total amount of holiday the dad is having her for over the year.

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she’s 15 and had no plans and presumably a load of revision and came back and said she was “bored”

like many a 15 year old!

and op hasn’t mentioned whether she was truly alone or had half siblings around

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/04/2024 17:34

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:24

she’s 15 and had no plans and presumably a load of revision and came back and said she was “bored”

like many a 15 year old!

and op hasn’t mentioned whether she was truly alone or had half siblings around

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OP previous post has said there are no half siblings

No half siblings - one step brother who is in the army and not around

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:39

she chilled, revised, went on her phone too much, came home, said she was “bored”. She had no plans that week so no doubt would have been a bit bored wherever she was

MadeForThis · 07/04/2024 17:47

I would find a way to let her know that she has the option not to go. If you don't want to tell her directly could you make sure she overhears you having a conversation about it.

You can't be blamed for alienating her, she won't think that you are encouraging her not to go, but she will be aware that she can choose.

sparkellie · 07/04/2024 18:01

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:39

she chilled, revised, went on her phone too much, came home, said she was “bored”. She had no plans that week so no doubt would have been a bit bored wherever she was

Possibly true. But if you are only going to spend 3 wks holiday a year with your kid then I don't think it's unreasonable for the expectation to be that you to actually spend those weeks with them. Yes, maybe if she had stayed at home op would have been working and she would have been equally bored, but I doubt op uses less than 3 wks holiday on her dd! Also if she hadn't been at her dad's but at home she may well have been able to make plans to do something.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 18:05

sparkellie · 07/04/2024 18:01

Possibly true. But if you are only going to spend 3 wks holiday a year with your kid then I don't think it's unreasonable for the expectation to be that you to actually spend those weeks with them. Yes, maybe if she had stayed at home op would have been working and she would have been equally bored, but I doubt op uses less than 3 wks holiday on her dd! Also if she hadn't been at her dad's but at home she may well have been able to make plans to do something.

Edited

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i agree but those of us with 15/16 year olds…. don’t read too much in to “i’m bored”. She hasn’t any plans with friends so wasn’t missing out on anything

sounds like it’s more regular than that…. weekends too

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 18:06

Also if she hadn't been at her dad's but at home she may well have been able to make plans to do something.

exactly. which is why it’s odd she seems not to have had any communication with her mother whilst she was there about being bored

Illpickthatup · 07/04/2024 18:08

She old enough to decide whether she wants to go or not. Also it's not your responsibility to ensure she has a good relationship with him. That's down to him and it seems like he isn't really making much of an effort to do that so why should you?

Elebag · 07/04/2024 18:09

She should stop seeing him and enjoy time with her friends and at home. He hasn't made her his priority.

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/04/2024 18:10

I think you should talk to your DD about her time with her dad (and you). Explain that, at her age, courts take her wishes into account. There is no real problem with her being 'bored' sometimes but she could talk to her dad about some things she would like to do when she is with him - some 15 year olds don't have many shared interests with their parents. Did they go out for any meals when she was there? Spend their evenings together? She can ask him if he can take some time off work when she's there.

MumblesParty · 07/04/2024 18:14

Your ex should have taken some annual leave, definitely.

All the people saying that OP’s DD would have asked to come home if she was genuinely bored, or that she’d have said she didn’t want to go in the first place etc….were you a child of divorced parents? Taking the step of saying you don’t want to visit the absent parent is massive.

For as long as I could remember I saw my Dad every other weekend. At times it was boring, and as I got older I had plenty of other things I’d have liked to do. But it literally never occurred to me to say I didn’t want to go. Weekends with my Dad was such an established part of my life - like going to school, cleaning my teeth, having a bath, eating vegetables - it would never have entered my head to say “you know what, I don’t want to do this any more”. It was just accepted.

So OP’s DD may be bored out of her mind at her Dad’s, but it would still be a huge step to say she doesn’t want to go any more.

WhistPie · 07/04/2024 18:16

She's 15 ffs. A few years ago she could have got married at 16! Neither you nor her father need to take time off work to sort out childcare for her any more, though if you want to spend time with her then great. Tell her the score, and let her make her own mind up.

It seems that neither you nor she have moved on from her being 8

Mylovelygreendress · 07/04/2024 18:20

It never fails to amaze me the number of parents ( usually mothers) who are desperate for their DC to maintain a relationship with their fathers and/ or grandparents when there is very little interest shown by the fathers and grandparents!
My exh made it clear he would see our DC only if it suited him ( and it rarely did) so I simply stopped sending them . He never took me to court .
My DC are now adults and have virtually no contact with their father.

Winnading · 07/04/2024 18:20

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2024 16:17

Honestly does no-one think that she has been told there is a court order that "must"be complied with? If my children are told that there is an official bit of paper saying you must do this or else they do it my son dragged himself into school feeling sick as a dog because he didn't want to get me into trouble I caught the same bug it nearly fucking floored me

Basically
Some children don't moan if they are told they have no choice it doesn't make them happy about the situation

Yeah I think the same.

At one point I would've thought the court order was the overarching plan and I could do nothing about it as it was court ordered. So I would suck it up, and be unhappy and bored.

OP just tell her at 15 she can make choices. Even if your ex thinks now after all these years its parental alienation itll take ages to get to court where crucially your child will get to say how she feels.