To think he should have booked annual leave

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Quick overview - ex went to court for a court order in regards to seeing our youngest. Judge wanted to know why he’d bothered, as he asked for less than he was currently being offered, but whatever. Long story short, according to the order, school holidays should be split 50/50 (in addition to some weekends in term time). Ex doesn’t really abide by this, and this year DD (now15) will spend just three weeks (out of the fourteen weeks school holidays) with him and his new partner, this last week was one of the three. She returned last night, and has just mentioned that she spent the whole week bored in her room, on her own, as her DF didn’t book any annual leave, and she can’t meet up with friends while she is staying there due to logistics, transport and distance. AIBU to think that if he’s going to insist she goes for a week, that he should at least book annual leave? I really want her to have a good relationship with him, but it feels as if he thwarts it at every turn. She seems less and less bothered about going at all, but I don’t want to be the one to say categorically that at her age she now has a choice, as I worry it could be classed as “parental alienation” - I’ve always just been quite matter of fact about following the court order as if it’s a “given” rather than a discussion.
(and yes, I know I can’t FORCE him to do anything, such as spend more time with our DD)

Make sure she knows she doesn’t have to go unless she wants to. Up to her at that age.

I think it’s the age most kids stop going as they want to see friends. So yes he should have booked some leave if she’s only there for shorter amounts of time now given she was restricted what she could do.

She has a calendar and doesn’t arrange anything in that time.

so she goes when she wants to basically
and has never complained to you about going
and didn’t contact you whilst she was there to express boredom / loneliness etc

doesn’t seem like she’s too bothered and i fact quite happy to go

She was 8 at the time. Maybe I’ve been wrong, but I’ve never tried to come between them - bought her a phone (long before the age my other children had then) so she could speak to him whenever she wanted to, without having to go through me. He didn’t return the courtesy and removed her phone as soon as she arrived. I was not allowed any contact with her during the two week summer holiday she had there. The CAO stated that she had to be allowed to have a phone call with me every three days, but that was really hard to enforce, as her phone would have run out of battery, or there would be no signal or whatever other excuse there was. She suffered terribly with separation anxiety over it, but eventually accepted that this was how it was. I was told that his relationship with any of the children was none of my business, and I should stay out of it. I’ve tried not to make negative comments about him, but tbh that then limits ANY conversation about him, as there never seems to be anything positive to say. Now, she tends to just mention that she was “bored”. Maybe I do need to have a conversation with her about it. As you say, she’s older now.

If he was having half the holidays then he can't take AL for all of it
But if he's only having 3 weeks then I would expect him to either take time off, or do stuff after work

My DD's dad has reduced his contact over and over until now he only sees her around once a year. The last time he had her (first time in the whole year) he had her for three days before Xmas 2022. He is a delivery driver and spent the three days working with her in the passenger seat bored. Then he told her she didn't deserve the Xmas presents he'd bought because of a minor issue at school and now wonders why she doesn't want to go round for his annual visit. His loss.

The calendar is filled in at new year, with every night that coincides with the CAO and what her father wants. Just makes it easier to keep track, with the weekends that she is due to go to his. She doesn’t complain, just doesn’t sound very enthusiastic about it. But that wasn’t my question, I was just asking whether IWBU to expect him to have taken time off work rather than leave her to her own devices for a week.

like your ex…. i also would restrict my 8 year old’s use on a phone
but he clearly doesn’t now

op she was bored 🤷

if she didn’t want to be there she’d have messaged you

if she didn’t want to go, she’d have mentioned. at last ONCE to you.

and i’m afraid this is bang on the money * I was told that his relationship with any of the children was none of my business, and I should stay out of it*

Thank you. I suppose that part of my worry is that as she is with me for eleven weeks of the school holidays, there is no way that I can take annual leave for most of it. I get five weeks, while he gets seven, so between us I had originally hoped we’d be able to “cover” the vast majority of the time.

unreasonable to expect him to take time off to spend with his daughter? not at all

but if she’d had plans that week or wanted to come home… she’d have contacted you. She didn’t.

she’s 15 OP.

and not far off 16 according to your other thread

As I’ve already explained, she doesn’t make other plans when she’s staying with her father.

Now, she tends to just mention that she was “bored”. Maybe I do need to have a conversation with her about it. As you say, she’s older now.

she either doesn’t want to tell you she doesn’t want to go, which at almost 16 would be odd and concerning
or
shes chilled about. Had no plans that week. Got bored but likely would have done at home anyway!

does he have other children? a partner? how far does he live from you?

so she had no plans that week anyway
surely she had a load of revision to do?

At 15 she doesn't need looking after in the holidays surely?

what’s happened over the last 7/8 school years since you split?

Well, 15 isn’t very far away from 16 😂 but equally she’s just over 14 🤷‍♀️😂
I’m not really sure what you point you were trying to make tbh. As I said previously the CAO has been in place (and mostly ignored) since she was 8 years old for the very reason that we could have covered the holidays between us.

well she was 15 late last year 🤷

Most years she has been to him for four weeks. I book all my annual leave during school holidays, and enlist other family members to help out when needed.

my point?

shes 15
she didn’t contact you during her week of boredom
she had no plans that week anyway
presumably had a load of revision to do
and has never in 7 years said she does not want to go to bed dad’s

sje said she was “bored”. no biggie. both my teens have been bored last week too 😆

I’m still none the wiser as to what your point is, sorry.

and…. he wasn’t leaving her alone at previous years?

does she have any half siblings at his?

oh good grief

can another poster help me out here please 😆