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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do anything for unwell husband

109 replies

Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:43

Husband has been poorly for some time. Very chesty, lots of horrible coloured phlegm, complaining of chest & rib pain along with breathlessness.

I have been doing absolutely everything house, kids, work etc.. whilst he's been unwell.

I finally managed to convince him to go and see the GP who told him she thinks he needs to go to the hospital he refused to do so and so she prescribed him some ABs in the meantime.

This was days ago, the ABs are yet to make any difference, unsurprisingly as GP thought he needed hospital but he is still saying no way to going and waiting hours and hours in an A&E.

Aibu to say that if he refuses to go to hospital as recommended by his doctor that's the end of my sympathy and ill be doing nothing else for him now whilst he lies in bed.

OP posts:
choixduroi · 06/04/2024 19:45

I would escalate it a bit and say that if not for himself, for the sake of you and the kids he needs to get this health concern checked out at the hospital. What if it were something serious? In other words I would elevate the nagging at this point.

Hatty65 · 06/04/2024 19:45

To be honest, whilst I understand your frustration, he sounds really ill and I'd be worried about him. It's pretty unkind to refuse to do anything for him when he is genuinely ill.

Can you persuade him that he does need to be in hospital if the ABs are not working?

loverrr · 06/04/2024 19:46

Well I guess you could but seems like a mean thing to do to someone you presumably love.

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

carerlookingtochangejob · 06/04/2024 19:50

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

If the GP has advised him to go to the hospital A &E is definitely appropriate!! 🙄 of course it it!!!

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:50

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

She did refer him but he refused to go.

I have spent the past 3 weeks begging, pleading, threatening to drag there myself, running round after him like a bloody nurse just to get him to see the GP so yes I'm pissed off now that he isn't following the advice of said GP because he "can't be arsed waiting hours at hospital to be seen". But instead would rather take longer to get better or even worsen all the while I'm having to do absolutely everything for everyone because he can't.

I've just lost so much sympathy for it now and it just frustrates me now more than anything when he complains about being unwell... do what the doctor told you to then?!

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 06/04/2024 19:51

Of course I would look after my DH if he was ill, like he would if I were also ill. The thought of spending countless hours in A&E would also put me off, do you have an oxygen reader to see how his breathing is, otherwise if may take a while for AB to work.

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:52

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

But at this point what can the GP really do? They have assessed him, listened to his chest etc etc and told him in their opinion he needs to be seen at the hospital and referred him there. What would going back to them achieve other than the same advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:52

Mindymomo · 06/04/2024 19:51

Of course I would look after my DH if he was ill, like he would if I were also ill. The thought of spending countless hours in A&E would also put me off, do you have an oxygen reader to see how his breathing is, otherwise if may take a while for AB to work.

I have been for weeks. It's just disappointing that he won't help himself by just doing what a doctor has told him to.

OP posts:
maddening · 06/04/2024 19:54

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

My gp referred my son to a&e and messaged ahead to say he was on his way - a&e can be where you are referred to.

WarshipRocinante · 06/04/2024 19:55

Seem at the hospital by whom? They wouldn’t refer to A&E because this isn’t an accident or emergency. Who did the GP arrange for him to be seen with?

I went to my GP once and when they listened to my symptoms and checked me over, they said I needed my liver seeing to and I was sent to A&E but they called ahead so they knew why I was there and I was taken through for testing. I wasn’t just sent to wait in A&E and reel off my symptoms again.

DGPP · 06/04/2024 19:57

Op I agree with you, I would be furious and I would read him the riot act that either he goes to hospital or he gets out of bed and pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. It’s an either/or. I wouldn’t wait on him either because he sounds like he’s being a stubborn fool regarding his health

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:59

WarshipRocinante · 06/04/2024 19:55

Seem at the hospital by whom? They wouldn’t refer to A&E because this isn’t an accident or emergency. Who did the GP arrange for him to be seen with?

I went to my GP once and when they listened to my symptoms and checked me over, they said I needed my liver seeing to and I was sent to A&E but they called ahead so they knew why I was there and I was taken through for testing. I wasn’t just sent to wait in A&E and reel off my symptoms again.

I believe it was for a chest xray.

Regardless as to where he'd be sent or for how long, he is refusing to go despite his GPs advice.

OP posts:
EffortlesslyInelegant · 06/04/2024 20:00

PriOn1 · 06/04/2024 19:46

It’s neither an accident, nor an emergency, so A&E isn’t appropriate. Presumably the GP would have referred him in. Aren’t there out of hours clinics in the UK that could serve the same purpose?

Alternatively, back to the GP on Monday, unless he worsens in the meantime.

Well that didn't take long 🙄

Obviously it's not an accident. Even a complete idiot would know that based on the OP's post. What you do not know and cannot know is if it's an emergency. Only the trained medic looking at him can know that.
A & E pedants are so tedious.

persisted · 06/04/2024 20:01

He's probably scared, he knows it might be serious and would rather stick his head in the sand. It's understandable if frustrating.

I'd try and arrange to take him. Just present it as a done deal regardless of complaining.

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 20:01

I wouldn’t wait on him either because he sounds like he’s being a stubborn fool regarding his health

Exactly. I just can't even bear to listen to him talk about it anymore. What more can I say to him other than repeat that he should do as his doctor has told him.

OP posts:
EC22 · 06/04/2024 20:01

How frustrating. So he’s waiting til he needs an ambulance. He is being very selfish but I couldn’t stop caring for him.
What was GP concerned about? Were his sats very low?

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 20:02

persisted · 06/04/2024 20:01

He's probably scared, he knows it might be serious and would rather stick his head in the sand. It's understandable if frustrating.

I'd try and arrange to take him. Just present it as a done deal regardless of complaining.

I have said multiple times I will take him in, I'll get someone to watch the kids and ill go with him but no, he insists he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 20:03

What was GP concerned about? Were his sats very low?

I'm not 100% sure as I wasn't at the appointment with him and he's annoyingly vague about these sorts of things but he said she listened to his chest and after that told him she was going to refer him for a chest xray/examination at the hospital as she felt he needing seeing.

He said she even told him what she thought may be the issue but he can't remember what she said.

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 06/04/2024 20:05

If he has pneumonia, it's highly possible that he doesn't realise how bad he is as it has an imagine on cognitive thinking?

Is he normally this stubborn?

Behonest32 · 06/04/2024 20:06

Pitapata · 06/04/2024 19:43

Husband has been poorly for some time. Very chesty, lots of horrible coloured phlegm, complaining of chest & rib pain along with breathlessness.

I have been doing absolutely everything house, kids, work etc.. whilst he's been unwell.

I finally managed to convince him to go and see the GP who told him she thinks he needs to go to the hospital he refused to do so and so she prescribed him some ABs in the meantime.

This was days ago, the ABs are yet to make any difference, unsurprisingly as GP thought he needed hospital but he is still saying no way to going and waiting hours and hours in an A&E.

Aibu to say that if he refuses to go to hospital as recommended by his doctor that's the end of my sympathy and ill be doing nothing else for him now whilst he lies in bed.

Totally agree! Wants you to help him but won't help himself? Nope from me!

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 20:06

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 06/04/2024 20:05

If he has pneumonia, it's highly possible that he doesn't realise how bad he is as it has an imagine on cognitive thinking?

Is he normally this stubborn?

Yes he is!

I've told him multiple times he could possibly have something like pneumonia. He just keeps insisting he'll feel better "soon" and he's not wasting time going to the hospital.

OP posts:
Musiclover234 · 06/04/2024 20:06

GPs can absolutely refer to A&E, sometimes it’s more of an urgent care side but some units don’t have that so it’s just the main A&E department that community staff can refer in.

@Pitapata not much you can do if he refuses to go! Can understand you not wanting to help him after weeks if he chooses not to help himself by getting the correct advice and treatment which will prolong his illness.

SprainedBum · 06/04/2024 20:07

If he's unwilling to go to hospital I'd sit him down and make sure his affairs are in order. Will, life insurance, passwords you'd need to any accounts etc. Might wake him up a bit.

Original poster
Pitapata · 06/04/2024 20:08

SprainedBum · 06/04/2024 20:07

If he's unwilling to go to hospital I'd sit him down and make sure his affairs are in order. Will, life insurance, passwords you'd need to any accounts etc. Might wake him up a bit.

Good idea might try this tonight

OP posts: