To not do anything for unwell husband

[Pitapata]

Husband has been poorly for some time. Very chesty, lots of horrible coloured phlegm, complaining of chest & rib pain along with breathlessness.

I have been doing absolutely everything house, kids, work etc.. whilst he's been unwell.

I finally managed to convince him to go and see the GP who told him she thinks he needs to go to the hospital he refused to do so and so she prescribed him some ABs in the meantime.

This was days ago, the ABs are yet to make any difference, unsurprisingly as GP thought he needed hospital but he is still saying no way to going and waiting hours and hours in an A&E.

Aibu to say that if he refuses to go to hospital as recommended by his doctor that's the end of my sympathy and ill be doing nothing else for him now whilst he lies in bed.

my dad is the same just have to grit teeth and leave him to it sometimes.

He is risking his life due to stubbornness and that is really shitty.

So what if he has to wait a few hours? Isn't that worth his life?

This is no joke and he will just die in his bed potentially. He has breathing issues, it could be cancer, or some bad infection.
Once he can't breath at all it could be too late, can you tell him it's not fair on you for him to not care about his health? I hope he doesn't smoke or vape?

My partner thought I should go to hospital (not lungs) several years ago. I insisted I was fine and it would get better soon. Result - sepsis, near death, and 5 days in ICU and months of recovery. I will never be so stupid again. You can tell him this one too.

Another one whose husband nearly died due to not seeking medical help when very ill. I eventually booked a GP appointment for him and the GP sent him straight to A&E. He was seen very fast. It was pneumonia, he was very ill and was in hospital about a week. I felt guilty for not pushing him to see a doctor sooner and for not checking his temperature.

Do you have a pulseoximeter? You really do need to get him to AE . show him this thread . I will give you my story
Colleague worked a shift with me until 8pm ,I had already tried to send her home because she was so chesty despite antibiotics course , she was taking .
Colleague due on duty the next morning. She didn’t arrive .Tragically she collapsed overnight,ambulance called by her husband,she was puffed up like a Michelin man and died that night of sepsis . Absolutely shocking and so sad .

My Nanna had a lingering cough (turned out to be a chest infection). Despite repeated appeals from multiple family members to go and get it checked out and get some antibiotics, she refused. Was of the generation that didn’t like doctors and believed that if you went into hospital you weren’t making it back out again. She insisted it wasn’t serious enough to “bother the doctor with”, that “it would sort itself out with some lemsip” and it was after all “just a cold/cough” and nothing to worry about.

She ended up with sepsis that led to in complete organ failure and she died. This was 16 years ago, but I still vividly remember being in the little relatives room in Whiston Hospital with my parents, brothers, Uncle, Aunt and cousins and the doctor explaining that there was nothing they could do other than make her comfortable - the infection had been raging unchecked for too long and had devastated her body. She died later that day.

I operate a tough love household with my DH, so he doesn’t really get “looked after” when he’s down with the man flu. However, if he was as ill as you’ve described and had been told to go to hospital, I wouldn’t be giving him a choice. He’d be physically bundled in the car and driven there. It would also be clearly explained to him that a refusal to get proper treatment would, in my book, be a clear demonstration of a totally selfish lack of consideration and love for me and his family and I would not be prepared to stay married to such a selfish, inconsiderate arsehole, who is unwilling to put in the basic effort to manage his own health and keep himself alive!

Can you get him in the car and just drive him there? I'd be telling him I was really worried and he needed to go for the chest X-ray just to put my mind at ease if he didn't want to go for himself. My FiL was referred for the same and they did a chest drain for him.

If you have children he’s being incredibly selfish not looking after himself for their sake. If he has something treatable that turns nasty because he didn’t act in time then he’s being a shit dad. I would push that angle.

I too would say the life insurance, passwords check. I’d say I’ve accepted he’s a stubborn idiot and will die in bed, now I’m trying to work on things I can influence. So I’ve drafted your obituary. ‘Leaves 2 dc who were devastated at their fathers sudden death then as they got older and realised what an absolute twat he was refusing to follow the doctors advice, they became furious. They realised he never loved them enough to stay healthy and alive for them, he preferred staying in bed moaning. They wished their mum had done what she was muttering about which was push him out the front door and lock it and think maybe a passersby would call an ambulance eventually, selfish jerk.’ Anything you want to add to that dear?

It might not be an accident or emergency but even when gp tells you you need togo hospital you have togo A&E maybe with a letter from gp but doesn't get you seen quicker!!!

My oh was like this and when I frogmarched/dragged him to hospital he had pneumonia and pleuracy. He was too ill to make good decisions.
It will only go on longer if he doesn't go to hospital and be harder to treat.

He might have to wait a bit for his chest x-ray but as he has been referred by his GP waiting time shouldn't be as long as just rocking up to A & E. He is obviously not getting better at the moment, the GP wouldn't have suggested the x-ray just for fun, and it's unfair on you and your DC that he's not doing everything possible to improve his health. I'm not sure that you withdrawing your help will get through to him though.

In that case there's quite a lot to be said for going on strike. You've made it relatively easy and comfortable for him to stay at home. Maybe if it becomes a faff being at home (because he isn't being waited on and is expected to pull his weight) going to hospital will look more attractive.

I'd echo the above poster re asking are his affairs in order etc. Then double check his preference re cremation vs burial etc, no point being unprepared with so much time to plan at this stage.

I have a BIL like this. The truth is he has a phobia of hospitals. On a different note, DF had to go to A&E yesterday, she was in, X-rayed and out in 3hrs.

I had pneumonia a few years ago. I genuinely didn’t know how ill I was and delayed going to the doctor for quite a while. Finally when my DH insisted, I saw the doctor who did a chest X-ray and then sent me directly to the hospital. It was the first time I’ve ever seen fear in a doctor’s eyes! I’m not in the UK and fortunately didn’t have to wait to be admitted. I was very ill but recovered relatively quickly after a week or so of I.V. antibiotics.

Your DH may not be thinking clearly if he also has pneumonia. I understand his hesitation especially if he has to wait for hours in A & E. But please tell him once again that he absolutely must heed the doctor’s advice. I wouldn’t hesitate to put the frighteners on. Ask him if he wants to see his children grow up.

Sending hopeful thoughts and positive vibes to you.

My 15 year old DD was referred into A&E for suspected pneumonia as she hadn't responded to antibiotics and had had crackles in lungs for 4-5 days by then. We went straight through and into a bed - she had x-ray etc and through tests they found out she had an atypical strain that needed a combo of three ABs.

Honestly he needs to go in - pneumonia is an emergency. Everyone who is saying he doesn't need to go to A&E needs to pipe down. Hope he listens OP, my daughter's breathing took a sudden turn for the worse luckily when we were already in the hospital. If we hadn't been there I'd have needed to call and wait for an ambulance. Not being able to breathe with pneumonia feels like drowning. Just tell him for you and the kids he must go.

Is he actually scared of finding out what it is? He could have pneumonia. Tell him he’ll end up needing an ambulance if he doesn’t get a grip and sort it. Would he have gone if the GP was a man do you think?

He sounds really ill. Refusing to do anything for him is cruel. Very sick people do irrational things or maybe he's afraid of finding out what's wrong. Your common sense is needed here. Get him to the hospitalas soon as.

It could be pneumonia, mine went undiagnosed for 3 weeks because the original GP I seen in the first few days of my illness did a chest x-ray the clinic didn’t bother to look at results until I called up and asked! I’d been given Antibiotics for chest infection in the meantime, and had been off work mostly as I could barely walk, but following the pneumonia diagnosis I got stronger ABs for pneumonia and eventually got the vaccination for pneumonia 2 months later as it kept coming back . I’ve heard cases of pneumonia turning into sepsis. It’s no joke at all. He should really take this seriously.

I’m scared of hospitals/illness myself but this is ridiculous. He’s a grown man with responsibilities and you’ve even offered to sit with him in a&e. I was 27 and having to sit in a&e by myself for hours during the 3 weeks when my illness went undiagnosed.

I’m an ICU dr. I wish those poster who are confident ED isn’t appropriate could fill me in on what part of their assessment makes them so confident.

The only time wasted here has been the time he’s spent not taking the GP’s advice. Could have been sorted and home by now.

This must be so frustrating for you and you must be worn out looking after him as well as the children.

Is there anyone else who could try to talk sense into him - eg his mum or sister?

How can you get an adult to the hospital who is refusing to go to the hospital?

Presumably he's aware that he's damaging his lungs by not dealing with his illness and that the damage could be permanent? Lung disease is debilitating and can be life limiting.

If the doctor referred him for chest x-ray, that's a really quick process. You can even check beforehand to see when their peak times are and just go when it is quieter. It is literally a turn up, gown on, x-ray, gown off and home process. It is unlikely you would need to wait for the results.