To not do anything for unwell husband

[Pitapata]

Husband has been poorly for some time. Very chesty, lots of horrible coloured phlegm, complaining of chest & rib pain along with breathlessness.

I have been doing absolutely everything house, kids, work etc.. whilst he's been unwell.

I finally managed to convince him to go and see the GP who told him she thinks he needs to go to the hospital he refused to do so and so she prescribed him some ABs in the meantime.

This was days ago, the ABs are yet to make any difference, unsurprisingly as GP thought he needed hospital but he is still saying no way to going and waiting hours and hours in an A&E.

Aibu to say that if he refuses to go to hospital as recommended by his doctor that's the end of my sympathy and ill be doing nothing else for him now whilst he lies in bed.

I'm torn on this. On one hand I'm petrified of getting a cold because my lungs only work at 40% capacity, so a chest infection could kill me.

But I'm not sure if I'd go to A@E at the moment because of the waiting times. My body craves sleep when I'm unwell, and I find it really hard to sleep in A@E, I've tried it in the past, and it's not worked.

The difference between me and your husband, is that I know exactly how to treat my chest infections (antibs, steroids and home nebulizer every four hours).

I certainly wouldn't just give up on your partner. He should be in hospital, but I understand his reluctance. Don't make him struggle to make himself a drink or something to eat.

You may be fed up of looking after him the family and the home, but he could be seriously ill.

Sounds like gp suspected pneumonia if she told him to go in and have a chest xray. He needs hospital care if it is. Maybe his oxygen levels were low.

A month ago I had to sit and wait for 5 hours while my very ill mum waited to see a consultant. So I can see how this would put people off. She did have pneumonia and had to stay in for 5 days.

I hope you persuade him to go in OP.

It's pretty unkind to refuse to do anything for him when he is genuinely ill

It's pretty unkind of him to do nothing to help himself

I do understand sitting in hospital waiting for hours to be seen is not what you want to be doing when unwell.

But surely if you need to go you need to go and refusing to do so whilst you just get more and more unwell at home is not the answer.

Ask him what's the plan if he gets worse and needs an ambulance, who does he want you to contact to attend hospital with him as obviously you will be with your kids trying to comfort them after witnessing their dad collapse and need urgent medical intervention. Look nobody likes medical appointments or hospital, but he has a wife and kids that need him so time to follow doctors orders.

I'm the very much the same, if you aren't prepared to take the advice given or try and help yourself I loose sympathy.
He didn't follow advice given by his GP.
He does sound unwell though and maybe an encouragement to get him to call 111 and leave him to it

I was referred to A&E by my GP and was later admitted. If you do go, go early. I got there at 6am and while there was still a wait, it was much quieter. Had I got there at noon I would have been there for a hell of a lot longer.

This happened to my brother. Cold/chest infection, turned into pneumonia. He refused to ask for any help. Day(s) later, turned to sepsis and he died.

Your DH is being totally stupid.

Is he hoping that if he waits long enough he’ll be so ill he needs an ambulance and then won’t have to wait in a&e?! Woo, he can skip the queue!
Honestly I agree with you OP. He is refusing to help himself, so why should you run yourself into the ground helping him? There is only so much you can do.
Stoic men who think they know better than medical professionals really piss me off TBH. I know loads of people will come for me and say ‘NAMALT’ but in my experience, it’s mainly men who are like that. Sitting in a&e isn’t fun. Neither is dying from a treatable condition.

(Just to add my cousin recently refused to go to hospital with a chest infection. He was found dead of pneumonia on his sofa a few days later).

My friend started with a bad chest and ignored it for a couple of weeks.
His gf eventually forced him to the hospital and he had pneumonia which had turned into sepsis and turned to septic shock. He was hours away from death and was put into an induced coma and was on life support. He had a tracheotomy and had to learn to walk and talk again. He was in his 20s and young and fit enough to recover.

Maybe show this to your DH and ask if he wants to end up the same way but ask him if he's young and fit enough to recover

I have been sent to A&E with ds multiple times (finally figured out he had a hole in his heart and is now well) Op states that he has been referred to the hospital though his gp, so going back to gp will be absolutely pointless.

This.

And if that doesn't work I would definitely try and get your hands on an oximeter

Um my neighbour had similar symptoms his GP also told him to go to Hospital. He chose not to, he was dead two days later.

Op your husband is being an idiot, he really needs to go to a&e despite the awful wait times. I hope he sees sense for your and kids benefit.

My husband has a weakened immune system so often ends up referred to A&E for what seems a common illness for most people. He takes books, tablet, spare underwear and t-shirts for a week and as many various chargers as he thinks he will need. He usually ends up in there for a minimum of a week so prepares himself. Explain to your husband you can tool him up with gadgets and five hours + won't seem quite so bad waiting to be seen. Whereas being signed off work on statutory pay or you burning out isn't on. I'd possibly even go further and suggest if he isn't going to help himself then he goes and lives with someone who can wait hand and foot on him and leave you to run the house in peace without being maid to him. I've even had to have stern words with my husband when I've been concerned about sepsis or pneumonia and he doesn't want to bother his consultant or the GP and he knows how poorly he could get!

If he was referred for an x-ray he would just have an appointment for one, not having to wait at a and e anyway. I don't know what else you can do. Ask him for all his passwords 'just in case'. I do get that you can run out of sympathy when someone is not helping themselves.

I really feel for you having to do everything and also worrying about him . I do understand he's worrying about what it could be . But you and he will feel so much better when you both find out what you're both dealing with 💐

I really sympathise OP, you've clearly done everything you can to try and persuade your DH to do as was recommended by his GP, and in your shoes, I would have absolutely NO sympathy for him, as I'm afraid I have no patience for those who won't do anything to help themselves. However, I am worried as to what the end result of his stupid stubbornness might be, as I too almost died of pneumonia and sepsis, which came on too quickly for me to even see a GP, and was diagnosed by 111 who called immediately for an ambulance and paramedic. So can I suggest that you phone 111, and tell them what's going on, and how concerned you are, and ask for their advice. They will ask to speak to him, and may well decide that he sounds so poorly that they will send an ambulance out now, or on the other hand, they may be able to make him see how ridiculous he is being, and persuade him to go of his own accord. I do hope he stops being so stupid for the sake of you and your family.

A and E is very appropriate. A serious chest infection is certainly an emergency - I was admitted from A and E for pneumonia last year.

Yes, I had a 16 hour wait, but better than dying at home, which is what I would have done if I hadn't gone

The GP told me to go - a GP telling you to go doesn't get you to jump the queue.

Your husband is being totally ridiculous

Have you told him straight up he's being selfish. That he has a responsibility to the family to try and get well quickly, not just for himself but because you're taking the burden. Surely if it's an x-ray referral they send him a time it's not a case of sitting in a&e all day?

Has he got other health issues such as smoking or being overweight? Is him not wanting to go due to being worried about being 'told off'

Just say "I refuse to engage with you about your health. Both myself and the GP think you should go to the hospital. That's all I have to say on the matter...I'm going to treat you as normal and expect you to participate in normal household duties and I'm acting as if you are perfectly healthy".

I sympathise. I would leave him to it. I say this as the long suffering OH of a bloke who refuses to seek medical advice preferring to fuck off to his bed for days, occasionally whispering, I think I'm over the worst.

I have been to the GP before and they’ve strongly advised me to present to A&E. They can’t force you, obviously, but I’m not sure why anyone would ignore the opinion of a medical professional (if you’re going to ignore their advice, why bother going to see them in the first place?). In my case they phoned ahead to let them know I was coming but it didn’t mean any less of a wait, and if I hadn’t turned up I don’t think they’d have followed up. In my case it was a serious kidney infection and they kept me in for a few days.