To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

I had similar when planning my own wedding. We had no children, no nieces etc and hadn't discussed with anyone whether we'd even have flower girls. Met my 2nd cousin, whom I get on with and see every few months. The first thing she said was 'the girls have been practicing walking down the aisle- look at them!' Cousin had clearly been practicing this with them, because they even pretended to be holding bouquets!
She had massively overstepped and her girls were clearly disappointed. It really put me in an awkward position. IF I'd had flowers girls, it would have been a different relatives daughter. In the end- I had none!

Why would you just assume your girls would be flowergirls?

*Anyway it sounds like you and your mum are committed to being offended and other family are wading in so you are going to have ball with all the drama and victim-hood and outrage and can look forward to more when any children come along as by then your relationships with your SIL will be wrecked and she will doubtless dislike you both and be unopposed by your uninterested brother.

On the plus you can take solace in loads of your family agreeing that she’s a bitch, so swings and roundabouts*

Nailed it!

Oh, and now husband is going to sit home and pout and the OP can attend the wedding solo with an appropriately martyred air

Well done!

I would have had zero expectations but I did not attend weddings if my DC were not invited - it was all just too much hard work.

What astonishes me is how incredibly rude and coarse SOME posters can be towards a woman who is clearly upset at her 2 little daughters not being picked as bridemaids for HER BROTHER'S wedding, when the bride is having her cousins 3 daughters as bridesmaids!

Good grief. Have a word with yourself. This is the OP's BROTHER, not some random colleague or neighbour. Your post is ludicrous, and breathtakingly rude and unkind.

This entire wedding sounds chaotic anyway. 3 months away, and no invite? How long have they been engaged? How big is the wedding and who's paying?

It's unfair to claim that you all went to 'each others' weddings if you all had big do's, but your DBs' is small. Costs have gone mad since 6 years ago.

Of course, if it turns out that your future SIL doesn't want you all there, go crazy but I highly doubt it. More likely your brother has been given a fixed quota and wants other people there so CBA invite everyone.

Hear, hear 👍

I don't agree, she said she'd pay and so she should hold her head high and pay regardless of who are the flower girls. It is a lovely gesture and she didn't say I'll pay only if I can choose which would be ridiculous.

I do think that choosing second cousins over the grooms nieces is a big fuck you to the dads side of the family.

But your mum needs to rein it back if she wants any type of relationship with future grandchildren.

Your brother is clearly going to see his wife's family as primary OP and I think this is why your mum is so upset.

Agreed 💯

@pootlin we have had two weddings in the last ten years they and their children were all invited and came.

Things have improved a little, we were hosted on Christmas Eve with the adult DC for a meal along with many of SIL’s family, we moved much nearer the DC last year and I think SIL would have found it awkward to not include us as it’s an annual event. The invitation was worded in a way that made me feel that she wouldn’t have been upset if we had other plans.

Im with at@Ozanj

Crappy behaviour all round. Wedding should be a lovely time for families.

Take a big step back, show no interest and let them crack on .

And when she gets pregnant and decides NOW she wants to be pally because...family is important
She'd get short shrift.

This is mean behaviour from the bride and groom. The same happened to me and my sister at very similar ages. The groom's side of the family were all surprised we weren't asked to be bridesmaids as the only nieces (or nephews) on either side. As a child, it was quite hurtful - I can't imagine how awful it would be not to be invited at all. Weddings are magical to kids and to be pushed away by your own uncle and new aunt ... well it is clear the nieces mean nothing to them.

I had my SIL, step-SIL and new niece as bridesmaids. My mum always said you are marrying into a new family so the wedding should show that merger. Sets you up on the right foot with your new family. My DH also had one of my friends as an usher.

Yes you can have your big day exactly as you like. But you have a lifetime of dealing with snubs to family members afterwards...

This sounds like it's a case of assumptions and no one actually talking !

You were all unreasonable to make so many assumptions about a wedding and your brother was unreasonable in not communicating clearly to you in good time.

Dry your tears, suck it up and go to the wedding and resolve to speak to your family more openly in the future

YABU about expecting your daughters to be involved but it sounds like it’s been badly handled by your brother . If I were your mum I don’t think I’d pay , I would just tell your brother that as you are obviously just guests at this wedding you’d prefer not to be involved in the finances of it . Is the wedding local to you because if it involved travel / overnight stay I wouldn’t be bothering to go .

It's up to your brother's partner who she chooses as flower girls but if he hasn't even invited your DD's to his wedding I'd not go either. I can't make out whether your Step Dad of 9 years is not invited at all or his DC are not invited so he won't go. If he was not invited, your Mum should say she won't go either. I included my husband's youngest niece as a flower girl because I thought it would start the wedding off badly if I chose my DD and my own dniece and snubbed his dniece. I didn't ask his older niece who was pregnant and would be heavily pregnant at the time of our wedding. My MiL was very happy I included his dniece and thanked me.

I have to disagree with this. My dad met his wife when I was almost 18. I’ve never met one of her sons, he’s older and lives away. Her younger son lives with my dad but I’ve only ever seen him a handful of times as he usually stays upstairs when I visit.. neither were invited to our wedding and my Dad’s wife didn’t say a word about it. Obviously this may not be the case for OPs brother but I don’t think we can assume they’ve got a close relationship based on a 9 year relationship.

You’re a better person than me, I would not have invited them.

But I’m glad things have improved a bit.

I think you and your mother seems very overbearing with this womans wedding planning. My mil didn't have anything to do with the organising of my wedding, she was respectful that it was my day. I certainly wasn't told who to have as bms or flower girls. Your mil wanted to control her wedding whybbuying the dresses to only find out her granddaughters aren't flower girls, totally unhand behaviour.

Your brother should have been clearer in his communications.
FGS why can't grooms communicate with their families?!?
Brides pick their bridesmaids but it would have been nice for her to ask your daughters as the grooms nieces.
I wonder if your brother even mentioned it to her?
Your mum has got herself into a sticky situation having offered to pay for flower girl outfits without knowing who would be flower girls.
I would compose a sweet note back saying sorry for making assumptions but she thought her granddaughters would be invited to be flower girls so won't pay for the dresses but will make another contribution to the wedding- for example hire of grooms suit , wedding cake etc.
I think DN not being invited at all is shocking and I would have no qualms with telling my own brother just that😆
Is stepdad invited or just saying he is not going? Also very bad if he's not invited.
But its your brothers wedding.
So step back , put up a boundary but do attend for your brothers sake. however he's shown where he's priorities lie and yanbu to feel upset and disappointed

100% this. ^ When brother and SIL wants help with their brood when they have DC, tell them you are 'terribly busy right now'

As I said earlier, I would just attend with my 2 DDs, and then give them a very wide berth. @Notmotherofflowergirls

Following your update OP, I think that unless this is a tiny wedding, they are unwise to not invite your mum's partner's children.

I agree that essentially the bride and groom can invite or exclude whoever they like from their wedding- however, behaviour around a wedding sets the tone for family relations going forward (I will point out that I am good friends with several people whose weddings I wasn't invited to- the difference here is they were all upfront early on about being small, family only affairs etc and there was no ill will or hurt feelings from not being invited, even though our friend group had previously invited each other)

Yanbu to be upset your daughter's and stepdad aren't invited, especially when more "minor" family members are being invited and in prominent roles in the wedding too. Yabu to be upset about them not being flower girls, that wasn't your decision to make.

Personally I wouldn't be going.

In your case it makes sense. I think you may not yet have caught OP’s post, where she says:

He [step-dad] has two kids the same age as my brother and me and we went to their weddings. He has a younger child who was in first year of uni when our parents moved in together and lived with my mother for two years after uni.
To all intents and purposes they are our step siblings and we see them often and get on with them. They all came to my wedding.

I get why you are upset, it was wrong to assume they would be flower girls but I can understand why you feel this way about them being left out of the wedding.

My child who was a baby at the time was not invited to my sisters wedding as they were having a strictly child free wedding. Was I pleased about it, no, but I respected their choice and never made a fuss about it. At the the day, it is up to the bride and groom who they invite and assumptions should never be made.