To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Well it is their day. Why is that so funny?

Nope, no crack here. I just find it completely ridiculous and overly dramatic to consider a lifetime of family estrangement over a lousy wedding invite (or lack thereof). Utter foolishness.

Many families are not that involved unless they are paying into it and/or are close to both bride and groom.

OP is not close to the bride whatsoever nor has said she has actually talked to the woman about her wedding plans, just her brother. Nothing was stopping her from talking to the bride herself like her brother suggested.

Not sure about you, but I don’t think it is difficult to ask an incoming family member how they’re doing, how they are feeling about wedding planning, offering an ear if they get overwhelmed. Perhaps, if she had done that, she wouldn’t have known what was going on.

Never realised that a marriage meant the bride does what ever she wants and it’s all about her.
I thought it was a union of two people who are equal. You don’t marry someone and not consider your partners family.
Of course the OP hoped her DD’s were flower girls and definitely her mum she be involved in the wedding in someway.
I guess we can see where all the bridezilla’s come
from with some of the comments on here.

The deciding not to invite them may very well be OP’s brother’s choice for all we know. Why is the bride getting the blame?

as far as his family resenting her goes - okay, so as a result she’ll likely have very little to do with them. Not sure why that’s something she won’t be grateful for will be stressing over.

I am sorry to hear, it does sound a bit sad all round.

it is hard but you would always be best not to assume invitations and for any particular children to be included, I have to say I probably would have made it 5 and lowered dress expectations.

Try to let go (hard I know), of any bitterness (for your own sake and no one elses), enjoy the day and be happy in the fact they are having the day they wanted, and don’t take anything personally.

my own wedding, I couldn’t afford to buy lots of lovely clothes, so I let whatever child who wanted follow me down the isle in whatever they were wearing, they beamed.

How do you know this isn’t exactly the level of involvement he wants his family to have? You don’t. He, with his equal input, could actually be the one that didn’t want his family having the level of say they expected to have.

It’s wild that she’s getting all the blame for this, as if this grown ass man is entirely without agency and a tongue in his head. I don’t know what’s worse, this easy demonisation of the woman, or the infantilising of the man.

The bride pretty much always organises the wedding and it's from a bride-centric point of view.

From your post it seems like the bride does not have a close or special relationship with your children. So why would your children be included?

The communication was also not clear. You mother offered to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses without clarifying they would be for your children?

Why did you and mum all assume your children would be flower girls, if you're not paying for the wedding and you don't have a close relationship with the bride?

Certainly not close enough to be discussing the wedding directly with her and directly asking either bride or groom whether your children would be involved in the wedding.

And willing to bet the bride is more emotionally close to her cousin's children than yours.

And I bet that's why the bride wrote such a lovely note - so you and mum would not be offended.

I'd suck up the disappointment, find a good babysitter and go have a romantic time at the wedding with your husband.

Now that the mistake is realised and out in the open - new bride and groom will probably love and respect you a whole lot for not making your diappointment their pain in wedding planning.

I wouldn't have expected my kids to be flower girls. An we only had nieces and nephews for wedding an dinner then they were sent home.

It's their wedding, they're allowed do what they want. I sense you and your mother are very full on which is why SIL isn't communicating with you. My mil had no involvement in planning my wedding and actually, neither did my mother. Just me and my sister. So it baffles me why you feel like this?

@InterIgnis we don’t no but surely as the bride you would want to involve your husband to be’s family.
If there’s some back story the OP is telling us about the relationship between her, her mother and brother then that’s different but seeing as she hasn’t mentioned that you can only go on what’s been said.

I agree. You can almost sympathise with him wanting to keep the pair of them at arm's length.
Look at the overreach already! Buying dresses for the daughters on the assumption they'd be flower girls. Dh refusing to go to the wedding at all in protest that they're not!
Such drama is best avoided.

It is their day, obviously, but they don't have the right to expect others to inconvenience themselves, leave their young children and spend £££ on babysitters if they choose to make their wedding an arse for family to attend.

"Sorry we can't make it due to childcare reasons" is a perfectly acceptable response.

Considering my husband and I eloped with a couple of friends, I’m probably the wrong person to ask.

You mean it’s on her to do the wifework so he doesn’t have to? Presumably she’s coordinating with her own family, as he’s capable of coordinating with his.

What’s been said is they’re paying for their own wedding and are deciding how they want their day to be. She’s chosen her own bridesmaids, as is totally normal. OP and her mother assumed a hell of a lot despite never reaching out to the bride, as they were advised to do.

In that case, they won't mind if most of the groom's side of the family give the wedding a swerve, will they?

No one said they will. They’re not the ones that have kicked off at all here.

Don’t do this OP

@InterIgnis did OP not state at the start that MIL had reached out to SIL and was “batted away” ?

“My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed.”

Sounds like it was the brother doing the batting because she wasn’t taking no for an answer.

tbh even if it was DIL doing the batting away, I still don’t see how she’s in the wrong. It doesn’t sound like the mother wanted to help with planning the day the couple actually want, but wanted to plan the day she wants them to have.

It doesn't sound as if they will, no.

@InterIgnis again assuming there is some backstory with the OP, her mum and brother.
I can just respond based on what OP has stated.

Weddings are notoriously emotionally tricky and challenging to navigate-and I don't think you, your mum or anyone else should ever make assumptions about ANY wedding, family or otherwise. At the end of the day, no matter how disappointing this is, (and I agree it must be disappointing for you) it is ultimately the Bride & Groom's day-so their decisions & choices should be respected. What you don't mention at all is what your relationship with your soon-to-be SIL is like. Reading between the lines it seems distant (you mention all communication about the Wedding is through your brother). If you are not close, why would you assume that your daughters would be flower girls? Have you considered that the flower girls she has chosen may be god-daughters? Even if they are not, ultimately it is DB & SIL's decision and you can either 1)accept it and attend the wedding on their terms, or 2)talk to your SIL to be and share how you feel (risky potentially), or 3)Sulk, harbour a grudge and spoil the day for yourself, your mum and possibly for your brother too. Sorry, but your assumptions were incorrect and you need to decide how you handle that disappointment.

Yet OP hasn’t stated these decisions were ones made by the bride, or that the brother is being controlled by her to have a wedding that isn’t what he wants. You’re the one that’s decided that must be the case.

I didn’t realise that so many had expectations on other people’s wedding because they’re family even when they are not close to the bride in the slightest and can’t even bother to pick up the phone and talk to her themselves if they want to know what is planned.

OP had her wedding as did the mother as they wanted very likely so why can’t this bride and groom?

You shouldn't have 'naturally assumed' anything. Take a step back and be happy for your brother, his wedding is really nothing to do with you.

Have you no shame?! Just why would you do that?