To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

@InterIgnis I didn’t state that was about the bride it was a generalisation on what a marriage was and how I would hope it involved both sides.
The “bridezilla” was about some of the comments on here which have been quite harsh to the OP when we don’t know any facts.

Oh please. You clearly blamed the bride in this case. The groom’s family isn’t getting what they want? Must be the bridezilla’s fault! Why wouldn’t she do the wife work with his family?! It can’t possibly be that the couple paying for the wedding are planning to have it as they want it, it’s the scheming harpy controlling the hapless and helpless groom.

Not to invite his nieces is plain weird. It's like they are pushing your family out of their lives before they have even married.

It’s a child-free wedding though. The bridal party are the exception, which is common in these type of weddings.

This whole thread reminds me why I kept saying no to DPs proposals! Weddings fill me with dread.

No one has the right to assume other people leading roles at someone else’s wedding it’s that simple.

I am quite sure when we get married DPs sister will assume her two daughters should be flower girls and try and interfere. Luckily for me we have agreed to elope and the only roles will be our children as bridesmaid and best man or boy and two witnesses as our kids are small.

So much unnecessary drama.

@InterIgnis its you changing the narrative to blame OP every time.
I haven’t once said it was SIL fault you have decided that’s what I’m saying when my posts clearly never blame her. I have said I think a marriage should be a joint event and that was aimed at the posts on here saying the bride can do what she wants and OP and her mum must obviously be the ones at fault.

Totally this. The OP, her mum and the step-father all seem a nightmare bunch of drama queens/kings: making assumptions about nieces being FGs; being manipulative (paying for dresses as a way of trying to influence choice of FGs? Yuck); and step-father throwing a strop because his children aren't invited to the wedding... TBH they sound like a nightmare in-law family - trying to make it all about them. I wouldn't be surprised if the Bride & Groom are secretly hoping the whole lot of them go into a massive sulk and stay away!!

😂😂😂 I’m going by OP’s words - she and her mother made massive assumptions without even bothering to check with the bride and groom. The mother was told no, yet instead of respecting that kept insisting on paying for bridesmaids dresses. They’re most certainly at fault for that.

You came in banging on about bridezillas on a thread where a bride has been painted as one, despite there being any evidence that she even knows about any of this drama, let alone conspired to cause it.

As far as I can see, no one on this thread has said that weddings shouldn’t be a joint event. What’s been said is that it isn’t for anyone but the couple getting married to decide what they want for their own wedding.

I hear you and feel upset for you and your poor mum. We had a very similar situation in recent years. It was my dh's sister getting married. Our dd was not invited and not a flower girl. She was the only niece/nephew on both sil and her future dh's side. She was 2 at the time and I was 38 weeks pregnant on the wedding weekend. The wedding was 4 hours away from our home. My sil expected us to be fine leaving our dd for the whole weekend to attend the wedding. It was very strained and difficult. My DH had a long conversation with her but she didn't budge on anything. Future husband has cousins who have children and they also shared how difficult it was to leave their children for a weekend (over in a different country to ours). They then changed their decision and allowed the children to come but it was clearly very begrudging. I didn't want to leave my dd so close to giving birth when so much was about to change for her. I took my hospital bag with us. My dc arrived early, though luckily a week after the wedding. My dd and the other children were then asked to be flower girls but at our expense. Fast forward a couple of years and my sil has recently given birth. I do wonder how she would feel if her sister (my husband has two sisters) banned her dd from attending her wedding... Some people just can't seem to see others emotions unless they have experienced the same issue. I hope things change in the situation.

@Notmotherofflowergirls

OP - are you actually going to talk to your brother about any of this?

It sounds like he may be clueless about how you, your DH, your DM and her partner are feeling.

Unless you speak to him, nothing will change.

I can kind of understand the bride not having them as flower girls but i can't understand them not being invited especially as it's a big wedding.

I would be hugely offended, YANBU.

I think it’s your Mum who is quite right in being upset. She certainly does not have to pay for the bridesmaids dresses but she needs to be upfront and say she thought they were for your children and leave it there
your children and step dad should be included. Your brother needs to be made aware in the most tactful way you can manage! Good Luck

Yes, but cousin's children are more distant relatives than groom's nieces.

I was a child bridesmaid at my uncle's wedding and my DM who got married 50 years ago had my DF's sister as she didn't have a sister of her own.

I think it might be something like bride's sisters/nieces, then groom's sisters/nieces before going to cousins.

Would you like to choose their photographer and design their cake for them too? 🙊

You're definitely BU for assuming your daughters would be flower girls. Your brothers fiancé's life won't be revolving around your daughters OP 🤷🏼‍♀️

It does seem harsh that certain people have been left out though. The nieces and essential step siblings of the groom! I get why the family is upset over that.

"I don’t know how to quote posters but one said I referred to my SiL as a woman without nieces and that I was insulting. I don’t know
How else I was meant to explain."

It's not insulting to say that a woman has no nieces, it's just a fact!

You should learn to use the quote button though.

Personally for my own family dynamic if there were any flower girls at all I’d have expected mine to be asked however I wouldn’t have assumed if I hadn’t been specifically asked if they could be. I’d feel upset if they hadn’t been but I’d feel more upset if they weren’t invited at all but the brides cousins daughters were.

sounds to me like your brother isn’t voicing his wishes or being listened to if he is. For the sake of your mum and brother I’d go, maybe see if you can convince your other half and step dad to go too and maybe leave a bit earlier? Let it be known in advance that you are leaving to go back to your girls.

Think and tread very carefully, this could get a hell of a lot worse especially when it comes time for your brother to have his own family.

Yes, but cousin's children are more distant relatives than groom's nieces.

Not to the bride they’re not though and the bride calls them nieces which OP stated in a later reply and something that my own DH’s family does.

I grew up around first and second cousins and would consider myself closer to them than DH’s niece and nephews at the time we married. I had only met his niece and nephews (the niece and her brother being children of his cousin and the other nephew being his sister’s son) maybe four-five times in a span of two years because DH didn’t live close to his family.

Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed.”

So was the mother buying the flower girl dresses on the assumption that they would be for her GDs?

Do we know how old the FGs are?

We had the same thing years ago, although we are the brides side. My mother in law said nothing. So I went and bought a bridesmaid dress for my daughter and sent her down the aisle anyway, nobody said a word.

@Notveryfloweryflowergirl are you serious?!

This sounds familiar I think someone posted this on MN before

'Calling' them nieces doesn't mean anything. I call my DM's cousins aunt and uncle x, doesn't mean we're that close. Of course in this case, it might be that the bride is very close to her cousin's children. That's a different matter.

Stand up for them?

They aren’t being tormented and bullied they are just not being flower girls.

"So was the mother buying the flower girl dresses on the assumption that they would be for her GDs?"

Yes, OP has already said this.

sounds to me like your brother isn’t voicing his wishes or being listened to

Has anyone considered that the brother (likely in his 20's or early 30's) isn't all that involved in the lives of his two young nieces? That whether or not they participate in the wedding isn't important to him?

The bride is being painted as some child hating ogre when it's likely that his "wishes" don't include small children at his wedding (that he's paying for and hasn't asked for any help from his family for).

" while his future wife's second cousins are invited?"

No, they are cousins once removed.
The bride and groom's (potential/future) children would be the second cousins of the flower girls.