To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Sorry OP but you are being entitled. Just because you are related doesn't give you the right to dictate their special day, it's about them, not you. Go and celebrate them and enjoy the day.

Breathtakingly rude and disrespectful. Crikey.

Regardless of any assumptions made, she’s being a dick with your side of your family and your brother is letting it happen.

Personally, if your Mum is being pushed out of literally everything, along with the rest of you, I wouldn’t be paying for anything. It’s ok for them to have what they want for their wedding, but if she’s purposely excluded you all then I wouldn’t be asking anymore questions and would go just to keep peace, unless you can’t get childcare. I’d also steer clear of her in the future too.

It’s their wedding and their decision - never assume anything

Sounds like a very one sided wedding. Maybe you should not have assumed your girls would be flower girls but I believe SIL knew you had assumed that, that’s why your mother was paying. Cant believe all these suddenly “ tradition “ obsessed MNs, regarding flower girls from brides side - your daughters are ideal ages so I think it was a snub. Weddings are supposed to unite families !As to not being invited at all, I would not go or leave early if the grooms nieces were not invited but brides cousins were. Very hurtful to exclude your stepfathers kids- again very one sided

People don't always want unknown babysitters for their children.
I think it's wrong to assume that people always know someone able and willing to baby sit and possibly have the children overnight. I have turned down weddings that were child free because there was no one able to sit.

This is hugely disrespectful in my culture(Caribbean and South America). But it seems in Western society it is perfectly normal to dismiss family as you choose. The fact your children are not invited, I would definitely not be attending.

It’s uncommon. But you are absolutely being unreasonable. You don’t get to decide who is and isn’t a flower girl at someone else’s wedding.

It's not so much about them not being flowergirls is it as to them not actually being invited & not being told?

If my sibling was getting married & I was told it was no kids I'm not sure it would occur to me that would apply to their nephews/nieces tbh.

I suppose it can depend on age?

@Notmotherofflowergirls

Why are you keeping your Stepfather's unhappiness from your brother?

And why can't you tell your brother directly that it's not on to exclude his nieces while his future wife's second cousins are invited?

If you don't stand up for your girls - who will?

In the OP's case the only way the 4 & 6 year olds are going to be upset by not being invited is if they're spurred on by a teary grandmother, a "devastated" mum and an angry, petulant father. If the adults can dial down the silly drama and behave maturely the kids won't give it a second thought.

Exactly.

Your brother and SIL to-be have handled this very badly. What should have been a happy occasion has turned into a sad one. Generally the bride chooses the bridesmaids and flower girls. But given that u have girls they should have been asked or you should have been told ages ago that your girls were not part of the wedding party.

How would you feel about going for a coffee with your brother and mum and just explaining how their behaviour has made so many people so sad?

Quite. Although according to a handful of posters on this thread, they may well carry the bitterness and petty resentment with them into adulthood, where they'll wreak their revenge on a generation of young kids not yet born.

They can't just show, they need to get a childminder. Didn't you read that her daughters are not invited?
Your comment makes no sense.

My brother is getting married this year. We are very close and he is a lovely involved Uncle and always has been. However when they announced their engagement I said early on to my kids that we should not expect that they w be in the wedding party (as they were for my sister). They completely accepted it and would not have been offended. However if they hadn’t been invited at all they would have been devastated. No exaggeration. And I would’ve found it v hard to attend.
I’d focus on the not being invited and talk to the sil or your db.
yabu to expect them to be in the wedding.
yanbu to expect them to be invited.

If you don't stand up for your girls - who will?

I don't understand this. The girls (ages 4 & 6) were never asked to be part of the wedding party so it's not like an offer was made and rescinded.

Ideally these kids are blissfully unaware of all this silly drama. No need to "stand up" for them as they are not being hurt!

When my child was young I admit my whole world revolved around him, but I was sane enough not to expect other people to feel the same way.

This is all about the OP's ego and hurt feelings. The kids will not be traumatized for life over not getting a wedding invite🙄

It’s a bit shit of them really but it’s their day. Tbh though you probably shouldn’t have assumed, SIL is clearly the planner and wants what she wants. Your DB is clearly just going along with it for an easy life.

Part of the reason me and OH have never got married is because I couldn’t be arsed with the family politics. For ages OH’s sisters used to go on about their daughters being bridesmaids at our wedding and I was like, hang on, I have two daughters and three sisters myself who would be the bridesmaids. They seemed pretty offended and I just couldn’t be arsed with the fall out and drama. We’re still happily not married after 21 years 😂

Are you lot on crack?
if my brother got married and didn’t at least invite my DDs I would never speak to him again!

I think you are not being unreasonable. This is your brother and you two are close. Your daughters are his only nieces, means close family. They definitely should be a flower girls, but if not, then at least they should be invited.
Your future sister in law will realised what she did later, when the whole family will resent her, which she deserve, being so nasty.
I wouldn't even blink on a receipt for a flower girls dresses, as they are not for your girls anyway.
I would actually play her game and RSVP that thank you, but you are not coming without your kids. So your brother would have to interfere. He looks like a puppet to me, marrying the bridezilla.

Of course you're not being unreasonable! I was shocked when I read this! Although it's clearly wrong to assume, you naturally assumed your brother's own nieces would be flower girls and not the bride's cousins! Had you both been involved in the plans like most families then you might have known this wasn't to be. I think your mum now has to say, sorry she made a mistake as she had NATURALLY assumed that the groom's nieces were going to be part of wedding which was why she offered to pay, but this is now not going to happen!

OP’s DH doesn’t want to go nor the stepfather so why could they not have the girls?

Yes they find a baby sitter for their children. And that’s all.

Then they go to the wedding and don’t have a strop.

I agree but it's "their day" apparently 😂.

Personally I'd let them have their day to themselves since they're so unconcerned about their guests/families.

People can do what they want for their weddings, but there are limits if you actually want people to care/attend.

Why should the DH go? It's not his brother getting married and he doesn't want to. Babysitters are expensive - why bother spending that money when they're obviously not that important to the bride and groom?

Wow.
So a woman wanting children who she knows well and mean something to her to be her flower girls is a Bridezilla?