To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Things have surely changed though since bride's father paid & therefore everyone must be invited?

My MIL had the same input as my Mum-none.

Husband & I chose & paid for everything.

You must be so proud

Absolutely right. It's the Brides choice.

However I sincerely hope nobody has mentioned flowergirls to the kids. Totally Op / Granny's fault if they have but the girls are innocent it's rotten to tell them something exciting like that then have to disappoint them pull it back and say your not even invited to the wedding Sorry girls.

Strewth.

This thread really is coaxing out the best of humanity, isn't it?

I guess the girls who didn't then invite their little cousins to be bridesmaids, didn't feel close to them. In being promised a bridesmaid role at their uncles wedding and then having it taken back, the uncle irreparably damaged the relationship with his nieces. These things matter - a wedding really tells a person where they are in the value system of the bride and groom.

I can't imagine promising my nieces could be bridesmaids and then taking that back tbh,

Why on earth would your brother promise them they could be bridesmaids?! Terrible form on his part.

I think there is a part of this story that you are missing.

you and your mum were overstepped by assuming that your daughters would be flower girls. I had something similar at my wedding, I chose to have no bridesmaids or flower girls and my SIL kicked off as she thought it should be her and her daughters. Don’t be that person. You need to respect their decisions when it comes to who is in the bridal party.

it does seem off that your step siblings and children haven’t been invited, here I think there is something more to the story.

your mum should also prepare herself now for if they have children, it is likely that she won’t be as involved in the pregnancy either.

If I were the sister in law in waiting I think I'd be keeping the OP and her mother at a distance during any pregnancy and aftermath.

Why would she be involved in the pregnancy ,if there is one, other than possibly being told and receiving a few ultrasound pics?

@phoenixrosehere if mum was expecting to be more forthcoming involved in planning the wedding chances are that she also expects to go to the dr appointments

True, hope not though.

That's not true at all. Most mums expect some involvement in their dc's weddings. That's not the same as expecting to go to a dil's medical appointments!
Cheeky bitch might expect to see her newborn grandbaby though!

Good grief actual tears because someone else’s wedding isn’t going the way a person plan for or hoped?

What is it about weddings that brings out the worst in people? I really think many people would benefit from a good dose of perspective.

And as someone whose DD was once a flower girl many years ago I just remember it being a pointless PITA. The persuading her to wear the dress, organising her routine on the day, hoping she’d not be overtired or grumpy, having to make sure she was in a certain place at a certain time, taking time off for dress fittings etc really took away from my enjoyment of the day. I keep schtum of course because I wouldn’t dream of saying anything. But I am pleased she’s never been asked again!

Exactly! Most weddings aren't kid-friendly. It's a grown-up event that small children will find boring and overwhelming.

The (very few) weddings that I've attended where young kids were present were marked by tantrums, crying and emotional meltdowns... and that was just the parents😂😂

In the OP's case the only way the 4 & 6 year olds are going to be upset by not being invited is if they're spurred on by a teary grandmother, a "devastated" mum and an angry, petulant father. If the adults can dial down the silly drama and behave maturely the kids won't give it a second thought.

People holding grudges for decades or absolutely embarrassing themselves and their poor children over what amounts to a minor disappointment has been a real eye-opener on this thread.

My guess is such people dreaming of what they expect their children’s weddings to be like without actually talking or considering their children have different views and wants for their own weddings and that the people they choose to marry have more of a say than them.

Shitty situation...
For what it's worth, there's nothing to stop your mum marrying her partner if they both get decent wills made - new if necessary. Marriage does trump any preexisting wills, but you can add a clause that anticipates and negates this.
If fears over disinheritance are really the only thing stopping them... completely unnecessary.
Then you could have a great family day!
In the meantime, I think it's very normal to be hurt when someone does something hurtful - and excluding loved ones is hurtful.
I wouldn't mention the flower girls though, that was a bit of an assumption on your parts, no disrespect intended.

Exactly! The girls wouldn’t know that was a role, or a role destined for them, if everyone stopped being drama llamas.

I mean I got some very cute pictures of DD on the day she was a flower girl, but that’s because she was cute AF (and would have been in any dress) not because she was a flower girl.

I agree

I also think that the mums of young people getting married today would have been married themselves in a time where the bride’s parents paid and that meant the MOB had the vast majority of control, the guest list was devised by the bride’s parents and would include the dad’s business associates etc, and that only family were to be in the bridal party and friends were allowed on the evening do. I know my Nan organises my mum’s wedding and she very much wanted to organise mine so she could ‘have her turn’. She was NOT happy when we skipped the drama and eloped to Vegas

we skipped the drama and eloped to Vegas

😆Same here! Just celebrated our 29th anniversary. No regrets.

Actually, my bridesmaids were my 3 sisters and my 3 sisters-in-law. I would never have dreamed of not including all of them. They're all family and loved being included.

Whereas my sisters in law didn’t even attend. People and families are different.

You don’t sound very close. So why assume?

I think you and mother have made assumptions and mum has been a bit pushy.
I didn't know that 'flower girls' are supposed to come from the bride's side.
Reading this kind of thing reminds me why partner and I snuck into the registry office with just our kids and a handful of friends as witnesses many moons ago.

No one is saying brides can’t include girls and women from their fiancé’s side in the bridal party. It’s just that some may prefer to stick to those to whom they feel close.