To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Do you really think they'll be included in the least bit with any future children judging by how involved the bride and groom have been with the wedding planning?

This.

i don’t think you should have assumed your kids would be FG but when she had said her cousins daughters were the only kids going he might have piped up

She can't speak for her brother though

I get being blindsided. We were too. When it's the first time you encounter this sort of thing, it can be quite difficult to know what to do with it.

But it also depends on how close brother and sister are, and if brother is close to his nieces.

Oh grow up!!

I think exclusion of family children is fairly unusual

It's actually the norm in my experience. I haven't been to a wedding where young children have been in attendance in years.

I think the exorbitant costs and a move towards evening receptions aren't very kid-friendly.

It was wrong of her to offer to pay for flower girls dresses. As if that is the only thing mother of groom cares about in the wedding.

Yet many expect their guests to fork out thousands to attend their wedding (where travel is involved). I was grateful to the people who took time out of their day and went to the trouble of honouring me with their presence.

It might depend on the family. In my IL's family it is the norm. In my family it is definitely not the norm and no-one would consider it.

@SuperwomansAMyth I'm sure you were very surprised

How did you handle it, and how did it affect the relationship (if you don't mind me asking)?

Totally agree! Excluding the children of family members is ridiculous! How precious can some people be??!

It's her brother?

She is not bridezilla. She hasn't done anything wrong. Brother can decide who he wants to invite from his family.

And MiL, Sil reputation does not start only from this scenario. There are equal number of insecure MiLs, Sils as there are problem Dils

I really don’t think I could have gone to my brother’s wedding if he hadn’t invited my children. Are he and his fiancée worried that your children will misbehave? Have they given any other reason for excluding them? In your position I would talk to my brother and let him know how hurt I was. I would also promise to remove my children from the setting immediately if they made a noise, or caused a problem in any way, and maybe even offer to make a financial contribution to something innocuous, like the flowers maybe, to offset the cost of your children being there. If they won’t agree to that, then they’ve made their position clear; and I would not go.

@Redpaisley you do not think the bride hasn't done anything wrong?
Wow.

This is exactly why family values have gone down the drain in this country

She's totally bridezilla, and wholly disrespectful of her husband to be's family. And he is a dick for allowing it!

I’m not in the least bit petty

@Icouldbehappy, you're a grown woman who'd refused to look at two children at family gatherings because of a wedding that happened before they were born. How can you possibly believe that's not petty? You're right that the children probably haven't even noticed, but it's still such a strange way for an adult to behave.

I handled it the first time by contacting my sister in law and explaining about how I didn't have childcare that wouldn't require me to leave my fully nursing young baby for a full day, and that wasn't possible. I asked what she thought of the idea of us coming to the half hour ceremony and then not coming to the reception. I offered to leave the older children and just bring the baby. I thought by making that offer we could do something about being there for them and not just rejecting their invitation. In my family we would communicate about these things. In their family they don't, so that turned out to be the wrong move. It was seen as making a fuss. It was going to be really hard and expensive for us to do that anyway, so we just decide to make it easy and decline. I don't regret that I did try to communicate, even though it didn't go across well. I know I tried to find a way to attend, which matters to me.

My SIL's seemed to have form for getting married in another city when I had nursing newborns. The second time around we just declined outright. There was emotional blackmail but we weren't having any of it. MIL called me and asked me to just leave the baby. I told her no.

Our relationship with them now, we don't have one. That's not just based on a wedding though!

I wouldn't do anything differently other than just decline outright the first time.

I honestly don’t think their children cared; there were always plenty of other people there to fuss over them

You have several times stressed that the children in question wouldn't care/barely know you/wouldn't notice your behaviour. But despite that, you still persist with your little bit of 'getting your own back.' For years, aimed at a couple of children.

But you're not petty. Got it.

But this brother and Sil's wedding, it would have been nice if they made it's daughters flower girls but in this case they did not and that's their wish, Op should respect. Wedding is not for Op or her daughters.

I haven't been to a wedding that had flower girls in years. So i wouldn't have assumed they'd be in the wedding. But since they are having them, I don't think it is much of a leap to assume your kids would be involved but I would not have assumed it. I think you and your family needs to take a step back. Show up to the wedding and DH and step dad can decide not to come. It will be so much less stressful for mom if she is no longer involved. She also should not pay for the dresses and explain why. Not to blame them or anything, just say that she had made an assumption .

This is your brothers fault. It's his wedding too. If he wanted his nieces there he would have them there, if not then he should communicate that to his poor mother and not let her get excited over the flower girls.

Ultimately it's not your wedding you can't control it and you should suck it up and be happy for them if you want a positive relationship with SIL in the future.

So anyone who has disagreed with you is “mean” and “weird”, yet anyone who doesn’t fall into line with your view is a “wet lettuce” who won’t stand up for themselves?

Maybe they ARE standing up for themselves when they say things you believe are “mean” or “weird”. It works both ways.

That does not confirm Sil did not allow.