To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

It is totally unreasonable to assume your daughters are flower girls, but it is also extremely rude to not invite your step siblings and your brother is a pathetic wet wipe. Have you asked him what did you say when you saw the invite list? Did you say they are like family to me, I’ve been to their wedding and this is our wedding, yours and mine and i want them there? Or were you an absolutely pathetic spineless wet wipe and said yes dear are you sure you want to invite my mum? I love her but will only have people you adore at your wedding, say the word and mum is out?

Yes, of course it’s okay. The bride and groom decide who’s in the wedding party. It’s not based on some points system around closeness of family.

The issue here isn’t the bride and groom’s choice of flower girls - it’s the fact that they didn’t speak up when it should have been ridiculously obvious that the groom’s mother had assumed her grandchildren would fill the roles.

@Redpaisley a wedding essentially is for everyone else, otherwise a couple would elope, have a intimate gathering.
No people want to show off, have an amazing venue etc and show people how lucky they are. That's what it comes down to

And right now they are showing people they are selfish twats.

Me and my sister and well entire family except my mother (and she got forced to leave early) didn't get invited to my brothers wedding.
Apparently her distant relatives were absolutely disgusted and our mutual friends questioned her on the day because everyone was shocked. But apparently she only wanted her family at her wedding and there wasn't enough spaces.

It's ridiculous.

You would have to be an absolute loon to say that to your brother when he was getting married. You have absolutely zero knowledge of the groom’s feelings about the adult children of his mother’s partner (they are NOT his step-siblings).

Seriously unhinged.

You and your mum should never have assumed your daughters would be flower girls. Lots of brides don't have flower girls. The bride's attendants are her choice, normally her relatives and friends. Maybe she is very close to her cousin and the cousin's daughters (and thought 5 flower girls would look like some sort of royal wedding)

A child-free wedding is also the bride and groom's choice.

Perhaps your brother simply doesn't feel very close to your step-siblings? Is it a big wedding?

If he’s happy to look like a twat.

Are people really this dramatic?
Someone described a wedding as a 'merger' as if it was still 1624 and not 2024 😂
Another poster has never gotten over her 3 yr old not being invited because "ALL the children" apparently were. All the "years older" children that is 🙄
Also, the apparent 'hierarchy' of guests. A 'random' cousin doesn't have as much 'right' as a sibling, for example. The actual relationships don't come in to it no matter how close the random might be.
Oh, and let's not forget the numerous versions of "if you don't invite my 2/3/4 yr old, you clearly don't care about any of us"

Whilst the craziness of the thread is highly entertaining, has anyone stopped to consider that a mother/grandmother that felt 'left out' of the planning of her sons wedding and "keeps bursting into tears" randomly because her grandchildren aren't bridesmaids may indicate some deeper issues at play? Th
Nowhere does this say, or indicate 'close family' Or that the DIL knows the NIECES (apparently you should capitalise to show maximum disgust 😂) that well.
No indication of the size of the wedding. Or the ages of the real bridesmaids. Not to mention the actual relationship between the DIL and her bridesmaids.
How close is the brother to the mothers partners adult children? Why should he be obligated to invite random adults he might not be close to to make the mothers dramallama partner happy? Is he paying for them?
Are they all hoping to bully the new DIL into inviting who they want? I mean offering to pay for dresses may well have been a not-so subtle way to twist her arm into asking the NIECES?
So many unanswered, but really important questions?

Personally, I find what the whole 'wedding' thing has become naff as fuck but flowergirls and bridesmaids and the 'politics' of it is ridiculous.
And who just 'assumes' their kids will be part of someone elses wedding party? 🤷‍♀️

Meh. Carry on with the projections and crazy.

It's easy to see why some people just think "fuck it" then elope. Who could be bothered with all this drama and relationship top trumps.

Unbelievable. I have never been so glad not to be of traditional white British culture. I cannot fathom a situation where in a wedding the groom’s mother is treated as no more than a guest (how dare she want to be involved, only the bride’s mother is allowed) and the groom’s nieces aren’t even invited!!! In my culture weddings are about the family and the couple. No way would we ever exclude anyone even vaguely related.

What an absolute useless loser the groom is. And sil clearly a bit of a dick too not including nieces simply bcos her fiancé is too pathetic to give his own family any importance.

Prepare yourself OP - you will have very little to do with your brother and his future family. It will be all about his wife and her family. And the blame lies squarely with your brother for not giving a crap about his family.

The mawkish description of “the little fellas” says a lot about your attitude.

Good Lord, at least try to read the OP.

You were unreasonable to assume about flowergirls. But not unreasonable to assume both they and step siblings would be invited.

Ultumately your brother should have communicated who had what roles. And stood up for his family.

You , your mother and your mother's partner have massively overstepped. The partner in particular - his adult children are not "step siblings".

Grow up the lot of you.

I've always thought the flower girls formed part of the bridal party, so would be the bride's family or close friends' children, so sorry YABU to have assumed your children would be flower girls, especially as the wedding is a few months away and you've not been asked if they could be flower girls.

I do think it's a bit shit of your brother not to have told you sooner that your children weren't invited.

We toyed with the idea of a child free wedding, as we both much prefer weddings without children. My DH was happy enough to not invite the children in his close family, but as I wanted to invite a close friend's child we did extend the invite to the children in our immediate families. In front of his family, DH would have also looked sheepish if put on the spot about whether or not he wanted the children there, but when we were actually planning and even on the wedding day he said he wished we'd not invited them.

@CJsGoldfish let's not forget the op saying there weren't any other children in the family (to ask to be flower girls) so just presumed her children would be. Completely forgetting the bride is her own person, with her own family and relatives 🤦‍♀️

Your DB should have included your family in the loop for some of the decisions that have been made. It is poor that he left you all ignorant.
I don't find it unexpected that older, adult, step children are not invited to weddings. (Unless you all grew up together in the same house.)
Your mother has copped the brunt of your DB's poor communication skills. I feel sad for her but the flower girls often come from the bride's family. Do your girls know the bride very well?

It is reasonable to follow up on asking your DB if your children could attend the wedding, as guests. They are the only nieces.

If it is strictly a child free wedding then you should attend with joy the occasion of your brother's wedding. Pull up your big girl pants and be positive to help your mother get over the flower girl surprise. Encourage your mother and her partner to both attend.

It is very generous of your mother to buy the flowergirl"s dresses. You could buy your own daughter's a pretty outfit too and arrange for them and a baby sitter to be outside the church with any neighbours and well wishers from the town.

You need to celebrate the wedding excitedly so that your children and mother can also enjoy your DB's wedding.

Think of your DB foremost. Expel drama from his day.

@user1492757084

It is very generous of your mother to buy the flowergirl"s dresses. You could buy your own daughter's a pretty outfit too and arrange for them and a baby sitter to be outside the church with any neighbours and well wishers from the town.

This has got to be a joke right? What church? What neighbours? What town?

Most people would understand that girls their age would be so excited to dress up like princesses for a wedding, especially for an uncle. It’s mean not to include them.

However, you should have clarified it with an actual conversation. Didn’t you think it strange that nothing was mentioned?

Pretty usual where I live for locals to see the bridal car, bride go in and to see the bride and groom emerge - sometimes outside the fence and sometimes ushered into the actual church it self after all the other guests by official ushers.

Of course, casual weddings in people's back yards or private property - no.
We don't know how traditional this wedding is.

@Notmotherofflowergirls

Personally - in your and your Mom's place I'd be telling my brother/son to grow a backbone. And - I'd not be going to the wedding if he can't be decent and invite his family - which includes step siblings AND nieces...
This has nothing to do with his nieces being flower girls, btw.

It seems that his bride to be is signalling and making some sort of a show of position with her decision to cut off his side of the family from the wedding.
Completely unnecessary and cruel too.

Don't you mean GODSON? 😂

A 'few years' makes quite a bit of difference 🤷‍♀️

I prefer your use of "dead to me" which was way more dramatic and flouncy. Either way, I've enjoyed your posts so, thank you :)

It's so weird how little input the man's family is allowed to have
I totally understand how awful some mother in laws can be, but I don't get why men are not allowed much input in their own wedding!
He should be able to say that he wants some of his family members etx
How depressing

Unless of course, he's not all that close to you op?
I have 2 brothers, will definitely get involved in one of them but the other not so much

Is that comment related to this post or?...

Because there's no indication the brother hasn't been allowed any involvement in his own wedding, or who he wants at it.

I suspect that the SIL is putting up firm boundaries as to what quite frankly feels like a pretty batshit in-law situation she is marrying into. Imagine 'naturally assuming' your kids will be flower girls.