To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Wise up, it's hurtful!!

I'd be hurt in your shoes too. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth that your children aren't invited to their uncles wedding but that the brides cousins children are. I'd have been gutted if my children hadn't been invited to my brothers wedding.
I guess it was probably wrong to assume they would be flower girls but I think it's really unkind to overlook them. I don't understand why weddings have become such a selfish affair - all about what the bride and groom want without any thought for others feelings. To my mind weddings are a family affair- celebrating with your family. I had a crazy amount of bridesmaids - more than I wanted if I'm honest but I didn't want to hurt anyone on either side of the family. And I'm still glad I did that. I think it's sad how selfish weddings have now become. I'm sorry this has happened for you and I understand your feelings of hurt.

Icouldbehappy I see where you are coming from as other children were invited from all sides of family and not yours so you were right in what you did. Where for the op no other children are invited only flowergirls as a childfree wedding.

You are admitting you ignore innocent children because of a perceived snub by their parents? That is a totally vile way to act.

I sincerely hope this is a wind up.

I'm sorry that your children were so heartbroken about not going to their dad's cousin's wedding that the only option was to cut them out of your life and blank their babies.

You sounds like someone I would probably prefer not to associate with in rl. It sounds rather uncivilised to me - I'm referring to your treatment of blameless children here - but there we go. You're conducting yourself according to your highly-strung brand of 'right and wrong,' which doesn't align with my own.

I'm not arguing the toss with you. You asked me for clarification. I gave it.

Flower girls seem like a rather minor point compared to the absolutely outrageous idea of your brother not inviting his own immediate family, which nieces and stepfathers of 9 years certainly are.

I’m feeling a bit sorry for your brother. It sounds like he has got a bit lost in all of it. He wasn’t brave enough to mention any of it and referred you to sil. I wouldn’t have assumed the girls were flower girls. If they were he would have asked. The issue is the bride and your brother have not communicated. They should have told you who was/wasn’t invited then nobody would have assumed. I don’t know how close your stepdads family are to yours but now everyone is unnecessarily upset. At the end of the day they just want to get married!

I think it's telling that your husband says he's not going. I wonder if your brother has form for inconsiderate behaviour?

Errrmmmm. What? Your brother sounds pussy whipped tbh.

the absolutely outrageous idea of your brother not inviting his own immediate family, which nieces and stepfathers of 9 years certainly are.

Once again his Mum's partner is invited.
The man isn't coming because he sounds rather like he is a drama queen too. He has chosen not to attend because his adult children (who didn't meet the OP or her brother until they were all adults) haven't been invited.

I can understand thinking they might be invited to be flower girls. When my SIL got married I thought there was a strong chance, since there were no other young girls in the family, but didn't assume it. She didn't have flower girls at all. As it turned out, my children weren't invited to the wedding at all. As I also had a newborn and the wedding was in another city, we decided not to go at all as the logistics of the baby care were too difficult if he couldn't come.

I think YABU about the flower girls because of the strength of your assumption. It's a shame the whole thing has become so divisive.

Yes, this bride sounds like a total bonehead. I can’t imagine planning a wedding and starting a new life with a partner and treating the people who raised him like this. I’m honestly speechless. And your brother… what a backbone-less wimp. Honestly.

Yes but it’s Also your husbands wedding, no?

Nothing winds me up more than someone getting annoyed about someone else’s wedding. Their wedding, their choice!!!!!

The man isn't coming because he sounds rather like he is a drama queen too. He has chosennot to attend because hisadult children (who didn't meet the OP or her brother until they were all adults) haven't been invited.

The OP says they are to all intents and purposes step-siblings. The two that are married invited the brother to their weddings. The OP invited everybody to her wedding.

I think your mum should just return the invoices and say that actually having read future DILs note she feels like she is overstepping so has had a change of heart

I would say show faces at wedding and that's it

Even if she wanted her cousins girls to be flowers girls would it have hurt to have 4 flower girls and kept everyone happy?

I would def include partners nieces in our wedding.

Family is family after all.

Keep a distance from now on OP.

I do understand where you are coming from. Our children being excluded from siblings' weddings did send us a message about how they viewed their nieces and nephews. We also didn't have anyone to mind the children if we'd wanted to and I'm not leaving them with strangers, so given the weddings involved travel, it also sent a message about how much they wanted us there. So much they made it impossible. That did influence how we included them in the children's events in future. Clearly they weren't that interested in them.

I wouldn't have ignored their children though. They're just children. Of course if you don't have a relationship with the parents you tend not to have a relationship with their children, and that is what happened for us.

I'm surprised at all the comments saying it's unreasonable that the girls in the OP aren't invited at all. I thought MN was usually very supportive of childfree weddings.

Not the point of the thread, but I don't think weddings are particularly fun for very young children. First being on their best behaviour for the ceremony, then the interminable waiting around while the photos are taken. Then a long, drawn out meal followed by speeches and finally dancing.

The last wedding I went to we ate at 8:00 pm! It was very lovely and elegant (and childfree!), but I can't imagine wanting to attend with young kids.

So all this drama about a 4 & 6 year old "missing out" is really more about adults getting their feelings hurt than a couple of very young kids spending hours and hours at an event meant for adults.

Thank you.
I had actually forgotten about the difficulties we’d have had in going without them.

Just to be clear, their children were born a few years later. We don’t cross paths very much and when we do, it’s easy enough not to engage with them.
I honestly don’t think their children cared; there were always plenty of other people there to fuss over them. They would barely know who my DH was, never mind me.

Most weddings are only half an hour. My kids that age would have wanted to go and have no problems with it. None of them were evening affairs though.

We don't all have the luxury of babysitters we trust in cities we don't live in either, so taking the kids might not be a choice.

Wise up again, it's shit!!