To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

I wouldn’t go. Your bro needs to grow some balls and respect and consideration for his own family.

Bridesmaids, flower girls are the brides attendants so usually come from her side of the family. Maybe her cousin and her are very close and that's why her kids are being flower girls.

You are being entitled and presumptuous. The bride’s entourage traditionally come from the bride's side of the family so unless there is some sort of special relationship you have no reason to expect your children would be in the wedding party.

Secondly, their wedding, their rules. You and your mother should not be interfering. He’s getting married, not heading off to colonise Mars. It’s a day out and the chance to meet up with family and friends. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

Quite likely that it's been retroactively declared a child-free wedding, bridal party aside, in an attempt to contain groomsidezilla drama 🤷‍♀️

And is proud of it too

It depends on the relationship. The bride may hardly know your girls but may have a special relationship with the ones she has chosen. I never assumed my kids would be bridesmaids. One brother wanted them, another had his wife's daughter and someone else which seemed natural to me as she hardly knew my kids.

Jesus. MN is a real eye opener sometimes.

Probably shit scared the nieces and sil are going to show up in bridesmaid and flower girl dresses and insist on being in the wedding party.

Meaning?

i think it’s a reasonable assumption and hope that your girls would be FGs and it’s very disappointing that they aren’t, I could live with that just about and enjoy the day. However I could not live with the fact that your girls aren’t invited at all, that’s just mean and divisive considering the family dynamic you mention. I’d be furious and so hurt if my brother had done this at his wedding.

It sounds like one of those where you're all in the wrong. You shouldn't have assumed they'd be flower girls. But your daughter's should be invited.

Are you sure it's that straightforward and that you did t say they're not coming if they're not flower girls and now it's child free to avoid drama

This sounds very like when my s'il (brithr's brothers wife) kicked off that we didn't invite her mum. Total diva behaviour. Said she wasn't coming then with a week to go wanted to come again but it was too late. She told everyone she want invited!

Apparently she did the same to another bil because her brother wasn't invited. She always created a drama.

There's more to this

As much as some see it as OP's DB needing to grow some balls, or the Bride being Bridezilla and showing how she's going to wear the trousers for years to come it could be said he's just respecting what his bride wants.

We have no real idea what the reasoning is behind them not wanting OP's DC at the wedding, maybe if she was that close she'd have asked by now.

For the record we chose one each my DH's Niece was flower girl, my Nephew pageboy, all children were welcome....and well behaved pet dogs had anyone of wanted to bring them.

I’d be upset too. Weddings make people behave in strange ways when they are organising them. I know lots of people that have got really obsessed with their wedding and expected everyone else to be too.

@Icouldbehappy does your DH have any contact with his cousin or is he as dramatic as you?

So many assumptions.

Would have been nice for them to have been invited but he tradition is that flower girls are the brides’ family unless the groom and bride decide otherwise.

Also - I’m not sure why your step-dad was expecting an invite for his children - your brother’s step siblings. I’m guessing you didn’t live together as children and only became acquainted as adults?

I wouldn’t expect there to be any flower girls necessarily.
I wouldn’t expect your daughters to be flower girls either as it’s the brides choice
It sounds like it may be a no kids wedding as well which is always a contentious issue on MN but again it’s the bride and grooms choice.

It seems extended non related family are also not invited but again it’s b&g choice although personally I find it unreasonable.

I would step away and let your brother and future sil just organise their own wedding.

Your mother is upset that she’s not involved, my mil and own mother were not involved in mine, not every B&Q want all the fuss.

Don’t let this break you all apart.

B&Q 🤣🤣🤣= b & g = bride and groom 😆

It’s up to the bride who the flower girls are, just as it’s up to your brother who his best man is.

However, it’s up to your brother to decide who to invite from his side of the family surely. So if there’s no backstory and he is close all of those not invited, it seems strange he’s left them out.

Okay, I'll clarify since you ask. I meant that your comment and reaction to that particular situation sounds extreme, unpleasant and batshit.

I’m not in the least bit petty, my dear

😂No...no. Not at ALL petty.

Strewth.

No other children are going so that would not bother me. Bit over the top that your mum thought your children would be flowergirls.
Step-dad is invited but not his children but no other children are invited so think step-dad and your mum are over reacting as no other children going except flower girls.
This is going to cause a massive issue in the future and your brother is right to back his wife to be. Adults should all go and stop creating drama when there is no need.

Step-dad is invited but not his children but no other children are invited

They're adults.

I know. Proud to ignore children who've done absolutely nothing wrong - even refusing to LOOK at them - at a family gathering. On the plus side, though, it's just their dad's cousin's wife. They probably just think she's a bit odd, rather than wondering why she doesn't like them.