To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Just elope if you feel so strongly about not wanting so and so there, guests should wear blue dresses with green spots, children not allowed etc.

You do realise families get angry and feel hurt about couples eloping as well right?

Hang on, your mother is paying for the brides cousins daughters dresses? Why on earth would she be paying. Why aren't your children being invited? I'm so confused.

Why the assumption that this is her decision? It’s very possible that they spoke about family roles and he decided this is the level of involvement wants his family to have.

The SIL didn’t want to accept it, OP’s mother repeatedly insisted. Even when she did accept she sent the invoice with a ‘don’t feel obliged to pay’ caveat.
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^^ it wasn't made clear at the time of the invoice by the sil with this caveat that the ops daughters weren't the Flowergirls. Would have been handy to say my cousins children are the flowergirls you can pay for their dresses if you like.

If this is the level of involvement that the brother wants then that's fine doesn't mean she has to go along with whatever they decide and pick up any crumbs that are thrown.

Did you turn the little fellas away at the door?

Your conviction that you were able to make a huge, significant, impact on the bride and groom’s happy day by absenting yourself from your husband’s cousin’s wedding is absurd. They didn’t want your 3 and 5 year olds there so didn’t invite them. You chose to take it personally and not attend. I would assume they probably were completely unaffected by your absence even if your DH’s parents complained. I know I would have been indifferent to a missing cousin and his self centered wife if they had no showed to my wedding. I would have happily used the seats for more favored friends.

Your ability to recount this ridiculous incident some ten+ years later just shows you to be a massively petty person who overvalues yourself beyond what the market for petty bitches will bear. I really dont think your “tinkly laugh” was the dramatic cut direct you imagine it to have been. You care way too much to be able to pull off the “I really don’t care” style.

I feel really sorry for you and your Mum. Yes I would have also assumed the girls would be flower girls over cousins children.

When your Mum offered to pay was there no bank and forth about the sizes.of the dresses required etc

What is the Bride saying? Nieces should come before second cousins unless there are extra close for some reason.

Your brother sounds like he is making things worse. They'll probably end up having 5 FG's now.

Absolutely disgraceful that your Mum's partner is not invited. Absolutely awful

I don't think the Bride has done anything wrong not having your daughters as flower girls and you shouldn't have "assumed" they would be!

I do however think your brother, the Groom, is out of order not even inviting his nieces, especially when it's not really a child free wedding if there are flower girls!

I am very much on your side OP, I only have one brother and if my daughter wasn’t included in their wedding but other children were, (it’s completely different if their having a child free wedding, I did but we have no nieces or nephews but if we did of course they’d come) I’d be fuming.

Whilst it’s up to the couple, the SIL is hardly trying her best to join your family (it works both ways). I’m not surprised your step dads upset, especially if they went to your step siblings weddings.

I don’t know if their reasons financial but it’s just bad manners to not return the invite in my view!

I'd be annoyed that my daughters were not invited when the cousin's kids are, especially as this wasn't mentioned before. You shouldn't however have assumed they would be flower girls, as nice as that might have been.

I think it's a bit of a dick move not to invite his nieces but just how close is he to them? If he is not willing to fight to have your children there, from his point of view they are not close. As hard as that is to hear, if he really cared he'd have found a way to ensure they got invited. The same goes for your step siblings, he's allowed to cut them from the guest list if he wants to.

You assumed they'd be flower girls but it may be that the way they are planning he left choice of flower girls to his soon to be wife. If she's close with the girls she's chosen then that's fair enough and is completely up to her. I get that probably stings but this isn't about his partner at all.

My MIL also got quite upset she wasn't hugely involved in planning too, forgetting that she should have her own opportunity with SIL if she'd choose to marry. The assumption was she should be involved but, whilst I spoke about it quite a bit with my mum, she wasn't involved like MIL wanted to be either. It caused a great strain and I nearly called our wedding off.

You're entirely welcome to express how you feel, you're allowed to feel how you want but not every behaviour is justified. Don't make this all about yourselves, don't add a mountain of stress at an already stressful time.

Step back from the emotional attachment to this, attend to see him get married then if you'd like then leave after, you have kids you'd like to get back to after all. Unless you want to burn every bridge there is with him, no one attending from his immediate family would be incredibly hurtful and, to them, justify you all never speaking again.

Back to basics. This is the wedding of DB and his fiancée: they decide who they want to invite and in which roles. No one else.

DB has not requested his nieces as attendants on his side (eg. ring-bearers), nor has he invited the adult children of your mother's partner as guests. Either respect his wishes, or get in a fight with HIM about it. Not with the 'woman who has no nieces or nephews' as you so gracelesly refer to SIL-to-be. Either he doesn't want them there, or he's a doormat. Either way, your dispute is with him.

It is clear that your family is not genuinely close with DB and his fiancée. If you were, SIL-to-be might well have wanted your daughters as her attendants, and extended family as guests. I assume the adult step-children are near-strangers to the bridal couple. It is all expectation and entitlement from you, your mother, and her partner, and you have all overstepped what DB and his fiancée want. Like it or not, this is the reality of their relationship - do you support them in their marriage or not?

If you want the joys and privileges of close interconnected families, then work to genuinely create it going forward. The current manipulations and drama are not going to help with that.

You have definitely overstepped the mark OP. My sister in law did have my niece’s (my sister’s children) as flower girls but she and my brother already had a daughter and thought it would be nice for their daughter to walk down the aisle with her cousins. Husband and I did have children at our wedding but we got married in our 30s so a lot of our friends already had children. I am also a stepmother of four and couldn’t imagine not including them. If your sister in law doesn’t have children though then it is not unusual for there not to be many children at the wedding it is also not unusual for the children to be from the bride’s side of the family. Your brother should have spoken up sooner and said it was almost a child free wedding and after 9 years your stepfather should have had an invite. As step siblings I would also feel left out. DH invited his step siblings to our wedding though in fairness they had been his step siblings for 30 years and we all get on well.

She hasn't said he's not invited

I wouldn’t have expected your children to be flower girls at all. My nieces were my flower girls, if I hadn’t had any nieces, I wouldn’t have wanted to have flower girls. It never entered my head to have DH’s nieces as flower girls.

It would have been good manners to invite your step-siblings though and your children.

Of course YABU. Why would you assume they were flower girls? Why wouldn't her cousin's children be? I'm thinking of my family situation and my cousin sees my baby girl a few times a month, we call her Aunty X, she buys birthday, Xmas presents, she facetimes, she refers to my DD as her niece. She has been with her Partner 3 years, not engaged but for example, if she was, I don't think she'd ask future BIL's children to be in the bridal party. He lives up north and she's met him a handful of times.

I do think it's unreasonable they don't want your children there - that's odd when there are other children there.

If your mum's partner is invited but his children arent then thats fine. If they've only been together 9 years and your old enough to be getting married and having children I'm presuming his children aren't like siblings to you. Have you all lived in the same house for example?

That’s correct.
Their parents acted as if my children didn’t exist. I was merely returning the favour.

I have been in the same company as them 2 or 3 times in about 12 years or so. In a situation where you could easily not speak to everyone in the assembled multitudes.

I didn’t go up to them and then turn on my heels and walk away. They just don’t exist.

As if she the bride would automatically have assumed that the MIL expected her granddaughters to be flower girls, rather than just wanting to contribute. They clearly didn’t expect OP’s mother to pay for anything, and only sent the invoice after she repeatedly insisted she wanted to pay. Perhaps OP’s mother should have made her expectations clear, rather than assuming.

No one said she has to go if she doesn’t like it.

Look it sounds like everyone is hurt and when ur hurt sometimes we don’t see to clearly . I’m going to ask you guys to take a step back this is going to sound hard but it’s from my lens . This is not ur wedding you are not in control you are not getting married . Why are you creating drama .. why is ur mam crying .. why is your step dad angry . Anyone one listening to the story would think you guys are very toxic and creating trouble for no reason . See I said it would be harsh . Give the bride a break let her enjoy her run up to the wedding .. respect her choices … support ur brother . If you don’t moving forward u will have no relationship with them .
Tbh I think u and ur family are extremely unfair .. so take a step back .. just go with the flow and chill . Attend their wedding dance like it’s 1985 drink some wine and enjoy

Like a lot of folk on this thread I think it is absolutely nuts to assume your kids will be flower girls, and even more insane that your mother insisted on paying for the dresses before it was clear who would be wearing the damn things. BUT you are nbu to assume your kids would be invited to your brothers wedding. There’s something off there. Do you and your mother often try and become the main characters at events which are nothing to do with you?

No she's not , the bride-to-be has a total life of her own and friends and family to choose from . Quite presumptuous to not think the bride doesn't have anyone in her life to be her own flower girls .
Your step-dad ,well it's his kids , it's not a family reunion . So what if they're not invited .

I think that her mum's partner's kids are step siblings of OP and her DB.

OP's mum and partner aren't married but have been together almost a decade.

It's a blended family.

She sent the invoice with a ‘nice note’ saying it wasn’t necessary.. Your mother kept banging on about paying for the dresses because she thought by offering to pay she would embarrass the bride into asking the OPs daughters to be bridesmaids.

Yes, I don’t think anyone can blame the bride for accepting what she presumably just thought was a nice gesture.

Its really not a blended family. Only 1 of the step children have live with both the parents and not the op and her brother.

It’s a bit of a stretch! They’re adults for a start, and many blood relations aren’t even invited to weddings depending upon wedding size and actual closeness, let alone a second partner’s adult children from a prior relationship!

I also definitely think brides tend to lead on weddings, it’s mostly planned by the woman, she makes sure she has all her friends and family and often the groom just has a few of their closets family and friends there. I’ve very much seen that happen at weddings I’ve attended.