To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Before she’d said that it wasn’t for the nieces. The bride is pretty self centred to not think about her mil assumption.

Why isn’t the ops brother having his nieces and speaking up?

I’d be feeling very confused and hurt. Much depends on your relationship with your brother.

HE is at fault here. It’s his wedding, he could easily have insisted that his nieces be invited / be flowergirls as well as his fiancee’s cousin’s kids. And he should have made it clear when you were given the wedding date that your children weren’t invited. I suspect he just has little interest in wedding planning and has left future-SIL to do it all.

If it was me I’d tell my brother that my children and I are a package: either we all go or none of us go. But that is me.

I’m sorry OP but that was an absolutely wild assumption. And extraordinary to offer to pay for the flower girl dresses without even knowing that there would be flower girls, much less that they would be your daughters.

I mean, not extraordinary in itself — the bride probably thought it was a sweet and generous gesture — but to try and force the bride’s hand like that was really quite bad behaviour. And to be bursting into tears and angry about it is a ridiculous over reaction.

You all need to uninvest yourselves and refocus on the bride and groom, whose day it is.

This. The dm (of op) insisted she'd pay for the dresses, but didn't actually bother to ask who they'd be! And the bride as pp have said once repeatedly asked to send the bill, put a note in saying 'please do not feel obligated to' but of course its her fault not the OP and dm who were organising the wedding in their heads!

YABU for assuming your kids would be flower girls. The bride chooses her bridesmaids and I can’t see why on earth she’d want her DP’s in kings as part of the bridal party? Does she even know them well?

YANBU to be upset that your brother hasn’t invited your kids at all, though it’s their choice to have a kid free wedding.

Your mums partner is being RIDICULOUS to be upset that HIS KIDS aren’t being invited to his wife’s, sons wedding 🤣😂 ffs

Assuming no back story, it shows little consideration of your brother's side of the family. I don't think I'd go if I was reasonably close to my brother and my kids weren't invited and other kids were. People can choose to have their weddings however they like, but equally I will choose whether attending works for my family and I.

I’m the sort of person who would envige everyone but our venue won’t allow it and honestly we are both early 40s with children how big can we really go before it becomes a financial burden . We tried to make it fair , the issue is on my partners dad side he is 1 of 11 , so inviting them all would mean 10 extra people and then often the cousins too so we had to invite the ones closer ( half of them ) and we envited some if his cousins too that are the second generation to the aunties .
im more than happy so send any cake they want and even wedding favours :-)

Your mum shouldn't pay for the dresses in my opinion.
OP are you not very close to your brother then?
Is your brother not close to your girls?
That's a bit sad that they are not invited since you are the groom's sister.
I wonder how big the wedding will be? Maybe it will be small?
Would you really miss your brother's wedding when all is said and done?
I totally understand your hurt feelings though. Once an old friend of mine (Godmother to my youngest) said to me "Oh you must come to my wedding" (second marriage) but then an invite never came and we lost contact. It's always really sad to lose a close relationship you've had.
Hope it works out ok in the end for you.

As others have said, your brother is the problem here. He needed to be honest with you and your mum, and communicate what his fiancée had probably told him - or to ask her! Silly to assume your daughters would be flower girls but also silly of him not to realise why your mum was so insistent on buying flower girl dresses. Their choice to have a kid free wedding but as they've made that choice, they can't expect you to go, so if you'd be annoyed, that's an out. Especially as it sounds like the invitation didn't make that clear (which is VERY poor planning).

Tbh I probably wouldn't go.
I don't see why your mother was wanting to help to plan a wedding that isn't hers or not paying for.

But for your own brother not to invite his nieces to the wedding but his fiancé has her cousins children coming.....I would tell them to jog on!!

I was married before my niece and nephew were born but if I was getting married now 100% they would be involved in the wedding not just invited. They are my family and I love them dearly!

The whole thing is ridiculous.
Yabu to assume that your kids will be flower girls because they’re not from the bride’s side and have not been asked so it’s cheeky to assume.
On the other hand, your brother and his fiancée are being ridiculous for having the little cousins at the wedding but your brother’s only nieces are not going to be there. Surely they should be an exception to the child free rule since there are 3 cousins there as well. Your brother is just ridiculous and I think family means nothing to him.
As it is, it appears he’s basically having a wedding where his only family members present will be his mum and you if you choose to attend though I wouldn’t attend if it was me.

I voted YANBU, though I suppose it was unreasonable to assume your daughters would be flower girls. It wouldn't be so strange for them to have no flower girls at all, but it does seem churlish to have children from her side of the family who are 'only' a cousin's children while not including the groom's own nieces. And as for not inviting his nieces to the wedding at all, that's a slap in the face.

I don't think they should have agreed to let your mum pay for the flower girls' dresses, under the circumstances. I can see why some on your side of the family don't want to go at all, but on the other hand, I'd probably make the best of things to keep the relationships as positive as possible. In your mum's place, though, I'd certainly be clear to your brother that his family feels overlooked.

I'm Irish and live in Ireland. I've been to about 10 weddings over the last 3 years (since weddings were allowed again) and only one had children where the couple themselves already had kids. About half of the others had children in the wedding party but there was no sign of them at the reception.

I don't. It is shitty not to let people know about the childfree thing. I would absolutely assume my children would be invited to my brother's wedding. I would not attend without them.

Your brother hasn't invited his nieces or step siblings to the wedding?

I wouldn't go.

Yes it’s OK. The bride might be close to her cousin. If she had a couple of actual nieces, would she still have been expected to have OP’s daughters as flower girls?

This does not reflect my experience of Irish weddings at all. I have never been to a wedding where the bridegroom's nieces would not be invited, let alone where other children would be present.

100% agree.
It’s very unfair that his fiancé cousins are invited and not his nieces. Regardless it’s their wedding.
It’s human nature to feel upset. 😢

He has been sent a very clear signal that his children are not family. He is quite entitled to decline to attend if he does not want to go.

So hold on — you ignore a couple of children because of the actions of their parents? Wow.

Your brother is letting your family down really badly, OP. He needs a good talking to. I'm really sorry - I've been in the same situation and it's horrible.

I think that you have to have a moan to your mum and then you have to move past it.

I wouldn’t have assumed that my kids would be flower girls because I’ve never been to a wedding with flower girls! But I would have thought a flower girl type wedding would be very traditional and therefore have the bridesmaids and flower girls from the brides family. I’m closer to my cousins than my husband is to his siblings - and their children are as important to me as my niblings- so I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss them because it’s ‘just’ her second cousins.

It seems odd not to invite your mother’s partners children. But although you refer to them as your ‘step siblings’ is that really how your brother feels? It sounds as if you were all adults when your parents got together. Maybe you feel closer to them than he does?

I think sometimes with weddings people can get very emotional and attach all sorts of meaning and significance to a guest list, whereas for others it is simply a case of choosing to have a small wedding for
one reason or another, and having to make practical choices about who to include or not include.

YABU
It is not YOUR wedding. You had your day.
Assumptions were made about the flower girls which was silly. The bride can choose whoever she wants, your mother crying is ridiculous. It's none of your/her business.
Your Mother, her partner, you and your DH are invited.
You shouldgall keep your mouths shut and go. Stop creating drama.

I understand the upset over the children not being invited when others are. However, this thread is a great example of people just not ringing up/speaking face to face, and actually having a proper, factual, civilised conversation about what the plans are, where both parties end the convo knowing what tf is going on.

So many wedding posts over the years saying it’s nothing to do with anyone else except the bride and groom.
It’s so sad! Weddings should be bringing families together in a joyful celebration.

Just elope if you feel so strongly about not wanting so and so there, guests should wear blue dresses with green spots, children not allowed etc.