To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

I had this too!
My auntie kept making comments before we were engaged about ‘cousin wants to know when she’ll be a bridesmaid’.
When we did we get engaged I had to tell her that no, cousin don’t be. I didn’t want any children in the wedding party. I had to give her a job to placate her but the entitlement made me even more stubborn about it. I would have understood if cousin wanted to and has asked her mum but my auntie should never have said that she would be before she was asked!!

Other children aren’t though. The bride’s cousins’s kids are flower girls and the will be the only kids at the wedding.

Hahaha I have. And there's no mention of it.

Your brother and his fiancé could have chosen to interact so differently - whether they’re just clumsy or rude is hard to tell but I can see why you’re all upset.

They should have been much clearer much sooner. For your brother to not invite his own nieces and close step siblings is really lame. Sounds like th3 bride will be wearing trousers!

Having brothers myself I'd be really annoyed & upset as well. YANBU. Leaving the flower girl thing aside, not to even invite them when other kids are going would make me so sad. She's a little cow your SIL to be isn't she? Fancy sending the invoice to your mum!!

When did younger bridesmaids suddenly start being called ‘flower girls’? Was it around the time school leavers’ parties became ‘proms’?

Probably around the time that brides needed an army of bridesmaids, especially if they have to all match in height, physical appearance and hair colour, a bit like a set of Toby jugs.

Me too.

She offered to pay. Theyve now been purchased. Its a dick move to renege on the deal because you were too presumptuous to ask who the flower girls would be.

They didn’t and don’t expect her to. She’s the one that kept insisting on it. When the fiancée sent the invoice she also sent a message saying there was no obligation to pay it. Hardly the height of entitlement there.

Presumably because she offered to buy the dresses!

I’m genuinely not sure what you mean? Could you please explain? I’m not being sarcastic btw.

The mother who repeatedly insisted on paying for them, despite being told not to worry about it? How is the SIL a cow?

I don’t think men, on the whole, care very much about weddings so brother will have gone with the flow and not really thought too much about it until his side of the family started to get upset.
It is their wedding and they can invite who they want. Likewise you can accept the invitation or not, it’s up to you.

The db and sil need to do the decent thing and not accept the mil/mother’s money for dresses that aren’t for her ds nieces. They don’t need to act confused as to why the mil offered the cash they just need to act appropriately.

I'm sure some people don't live in the real world on here. I got ripped apart last year posting something similar and on other posts lately I've had quite nasty comments which have put me off posting coz some people go out their way to be mean !

You are totally not in the wrong here OP!! Some of the comments on here are just weird lol and people must be absolute wet lettuces in real life and not stand up for themselves !!

I think it's pretty miserable of your brother not to invite your step siblings and I can see why your step father is pissed off about this. Particularly when the youngest has lived in what is the family home.

Additionally, it would have been a nice thing to do, to have your kids as flower girls. Weddings are about people joining families, so I do think it's really pissy to exclude your nieces and nephews, unless there are 10 of them and they are all toddlers or something. It is definitely upsetting for a grandmother wanting her grandchildren at a wedding. Since there are only 2 nieces, it would have been nice to have them as flower girls.

Well, their wedding and their choice. But also their consequences. Your husband and stepfather don't want to go and so the bride and groom will have to suck that up.

I think your mum is best off paying for the flower girl dresses, just because she offered and it would be a bit off to go back on that.

IMO the bride and groom have disappeared up their own arses.

You mentioned that the dress shop was in Dublin.

Is this an Irish wedding you are talking about?

With only three children attending?

MIL was batted away from contributing in the beginning but kept insisting on paying for the flower girls dresses’ on her and OP’s assumption that her granddaughters would be flower girls. SIL sent the invoice and again said she didn’t need to do it.

She still doesn’t have to pay it but it does look off that she made such assumptions without actually talking to the bride herself and was only doing so because it was her family members.

The only thing that really should have been done differently is - when MIL insisted on paying for the dresses, the bride to be should have had the sense to cotton on to MIL’s assumption, and made it quite clear that there was no need for her to pay.

So it’s ok to have the bride’s cousin’s children as flower girls but not the groom’s (and bride’s really) actual nieces? Mumsnet is like some parallel universe

This is rough!

And although it’s understandable the bride would want someone from her side, she could have told your mum more kindly in advance that it wouldn’t be your girls, especially if your mum is buying them!!

It sounds like the bride is doing everything and isn’t caring about your family side at all. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

Never being asked to be flower girls should have given them a clue they weren't going to be flower girls

The couple say it's a child free wedding but the bride's second cousins (who are children) have not only been invited, but they're also flower girls. The groom's nieces are not invited. That just shows family doesn't matter to him (or it's his fiancee's idea and he's a coward). Thankfully my brother and sil aren't dicks, but I'd go very low contact if they treated my child like this.

Reminds me of my child free wedding where my SIL dressed her little boys up in matching suits and brought them despite them not being invited. Her and MIL just could not believe that we wouldn't want them as page boys, let alone not there at all!
Your children are not invited. Do not take them anyway. Do not make a fuss about it. Not your wedding, not your choices.

You don't have to have flower girls surely? A lot of people don't want kids running around at weddings too 🙈 I wouldn't have assumed personally, I'm sure you'll still have a lovely day though op 😁