To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Shes said his kids have not been invited

I would have been surprised. My dh nieces were flowergirls. I wouldn't have expected your dB to invite his mum's boyfriend's kids, though (unless he knew them).

For God sake. This is so over the top. Bursting into tears, anger and kicked in the guts? Over flower girls? Teach you all to keep your noses out and not make assumptions.

I do say so.
They don’t cross my mind and I don’t care about any aspect of their lives. I’m pretty sure that they don’t care about my family either 😂

I merely commented to empathise with the original OP as it was a fairly similar situation.

What do you mean by “hostile”?
Where have I spoken with hostility?

My younger DS is now 17 so this was years ago. Again, I commented to show that I would have no tolerance for anyone excluding my children from a family event.

I’m sure it’s quite common here for posters to comment on their own experiences, either to agree or disagree with the OP. Or other posters.
I didn’t realise that I needed anyone’s permission before I described a situation of my own.

Never in my life have I heard of this. Did you make this up? Everyone knows that close children from both sides can be flower girls. Just check the royal weddings for this as well.

I'd be upset over this too. But several issues here:

• Step-Dad has been invited and just planning to decline because he's upset his own adult kids aren't invited. Understandable but not his wedding and he's not paying either. But your mum is mother of the groom so he really should go for her sake if not for your brother's.
• Maybe B&G just aren't that close to step-Dad's adult kids and also need to limit numbers overall. Their wedding, their choice. But can't complain later if no reciprocal invites to other family occasions hosted by adult step-kids.
• Normal for bride to choose bridesmaids etc from her own side. You were wrong unfortunately to assume your girls would be flower girls. Disappointing for you even more so because they aren't even invited. So let (annoyed) husband stay home to look after them and you can go on your own and just slap a smile on for a few hours and support your Mum.
• Your brother should have clarified all this much sooner.
• Your Mum shouldn't have tried to influence things by offering to buy dresses. I would tell her to withdraw offer and say she was offering for your girls so a misunderstanding otherwise this will just make her feel even more annoyed. Bit of a pathetic move by the bride to send the invoice knowing your Mum thought it was for your two girls.
• If your Mum wants to make a contribution for something else then she can.
• It's just a few hours in one day. Get it in proportion and step away from all the big dramatics!

Can you just say to your brother that he needs to invite your children as the only close relatives who are kids, that doesn't then need to break the no child rule.

Of course she can’t! The OP’s options here are to suck it up and go, or to refuse the invitation.

But other people clearly have, just reading the thread demonstrates that. What’s normal depends on your family and social circle, surely? Bridesmaids being from the bride’s side may be what the bride here knows as being totally normal.

Absolute lunacy. The tinkly laugh really ties the whole room together though.

What a reach. They aren't random relatives to the bride or the brides family. The brides family could easily view the grooms nieves as random family members. Theres no way of knowing how often they'll see any family members. I see my cousin and her children regularly and are my closest family.

No one said you CAN’T choose from the groom’s side. That doesn’t mean it’s not more traditional for the bride to choose her attendants and the groom his.

Who said you needed permission? You posted your experience and had a response, that’s generally how message boards work.

Brother sounds a wimp

Only Kids found are a cousins kids

I get bride isn't an aunt by blood but she will be by marriage

And Brother/groom is an uncle

Misread about step dad

Tho tbh his older kids are adults and can't invite all

Esp if don't see much of them family wise

And how do we know its her refusing that? Oh yeah thats right, you've made it up

No way should your mum pay for those other kids dresses. If your SIL accepts your mums money then this is a disgrace. The parents of those children should be paying or your sil herself not your mum. I’d say to have a word with both your db and sil and tell them to not accept this cash from your mother. Do something nice on the wedding day. Don’t contact them. Let them get on with their lives.

Your brother has pulled a proper blinder hasn't he? No responsibility for any of the planning and not giving a toss either.

From reading MN posts generally about wedding planning, is he even allowed to be involved in the planning of 'her' wedding? He hasn't pulled a blinder at all!

The answers on here are crazy. Any normal person would be upset that the groom’s nieces aren’t even invited to the wedding when other children are.

RTFT and get a grip.

But on the flip side of this maybe the OPs experience is based on the opposite. Just like many other posters, she may be used to weddings where the wedding party is mixed

But instead she is getting called all sorts on this thread, pretty unfairly imo

You were wrong to make the assumption about flower girls. If they want a child free wedding that’s also their choice (have you tried asking your brother what he wants).

How old were your step dad’s kids when he and your mum got together? My step sisters from when mum dad & step mum got together are my family but we all met as young kids. I wouldn’t invite my (now widowed) Dad’s current partners kids to my wedding as we were all adults when they got together and I’ve never lived with them and barely know them (dad and partner have been together for over 10 years).

Go to the wedding and support your brother.

So they expected your mum to pay for flowergirl dresses and the flower girls weren't going to be her Grand daughters. Wow !!

I haven't read many comments from other posters but I would be feeling the EXACT same way as you and your Mum and if my children weren't invited I wouldn't be going either.

Family or no family. If they can't respect you why should you respect them ? It works both ways.

Bang out of order.

I agree. But this is Mumsnet. Nothing here is as it is in normal life, people love to pretend they’re fierce, no-nonsense hardasses, because in reality they’re disappointed by who they actually are. I’d love to see the people behind the mad as shit comments.

Bride gets to choose bridesmaids and flower girls.

She should also get to pick up the bill for their dresses, not her future MIL.

But the couple didn't know why the mum offered to pay for the dresses. They might have thought it was a weirdly specific contribution but how were they to know the family had decided themselves who was in the wedding?