To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

I said he may not be spineless with his fiancée, not that he isn’t averse to getting arseache from his family.

i agree you shouldn’t have assumed but i do completely understand that you’d be upset. He’s your brother after all. I’d be upset. Not inviting your step dad is bloody awful though!

That's such a weird and rude thing to do. Imagine the thread here! 'My batshit SIL brought her kids dressed as flower girls to my bridesmaid free wedding'.

Honestly OP it’s all a bit dramaLama.

FGS are usually brides side so I do think it was presumptuous to assume your dds would be asked.

Its your brothers wedding so can you not try and put your feelings aside and just enjoy his day.

I do think your stepdad should have been invited though.

Well, your brother is a limp dick isn’t he? Ti have some kids but not your kids, his nieces, is a bit shit.

It wouldn’t have occurred to me that my children would be bridesmaids in that scenario. There’s an awful lot of bridezilla madness around weddings but SIL seems perfectly sensible and very nice to your mum over the dresses. You’re the ones being bridezillas needlessly.

Think there's a few families on here who'd do that! "How dare that bitch of a bridezilla have her wedding as she wants! My Hyacinth will look adorable as a princess fairy flower girl and everyone will look at HER not the bride!! It's about family of course!!" 😑😑

Exactly what I was saying about my DH’s cousin. Same thing, really.

If it were me, I wouldn’t go and it would be a cold day in hell before I spoke to my brother again.

I wouldn’t go, I think having her cousins and not his own nieces is a low blow.

Bridesmaids and flower girls come from the brides side!!

I had Sil as one of mine and both she and mil thanked me a lot for thinking too include her alongside my own sister - it was really unexpected. I had her because DH and i had been together ages and so i had known her since she was a teenager!!

When my own uncle got married, my sister & i were not flower girls. His wife had a good friend & her daughter was.

I think you & your mum have missed the memo on this one.

when I got married I had no flower girls even though my sis had children flower girls age. they were invited however my sister wanted a child free day so arranged a babysitter. they came for an hour for photos only. rest for nieces and nephews were invited but they were teenagers
you are being very unreasonable about your girls being flower girls hower you are right to be mad at them not being invited.
you are being unreasonable about your mother being involved. the only people who should be involved and have a say are the bride and groom only. that was the way with my wedding. no one apart from my best friend saw my dress until wedding day. not even my mother and sister
with regards to your step father who gather is not married to your mother ? I kinda agree with his children not being invited. you seem older and partner only together 9 years then have you really grown up with them? you need to give more context here on the relationships here because if nit really one then wouldn't agree nit to be invited.
venue might have limited numbers
I think you need to have a discussion with yoru bother about your kids being invited and point out that they should beinvited no word on flower girls and keep out of step parent issue aswll as not your battle there. then rise above it put on a nice dress and enjoy the wedding

Sure, if you say so 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re here talking about them, still hostile and very obviously holding a grudge. They clearly do exist to you.

In their shoes I personally couldn’t imagine myself being the slightest bit bothered, beyond possibly finding it weird.

I'd definitely give this one a swerve. "It's their day" and all that but it does reach a point where you wonder if they're deliberately trying to put you off attending.

Honestly this is a sign of things to come so take a massive step back. When my niece was christened there were tons of photos around the village hall of my niece with family members but every member was of SIL, not a single one from my brothers side. It hurts.

Why? Cousins can be very close, like siblings. And she's probably very close to those children to have chosen them to be her flowergirls.

While I try never to make an assumption about a wedding, I think your brother and SIL are being very cruel and rude. If bride wanted her cousin's girls, they should have included your girls too.

I agree with @Sayingitstraight I think this is very much a sign of what is to come. I imagine they will keep your/his family at arm's length, including when they have children.

Bridesmaids and flower girls come from the brides side!!

Not necessarily. Most weddings I have been to have had a mix in the wedding party so bridesmaids/flower girls from both sides and brothers of the bride being groomsmen or ushers etc

It’s about a family coming together after all and it’s genuinely seen as a way to include everyone in the event

NRTFT

I can see why it may be disappointing and upsetting. However YABU as you should never assume anything regarding weddings and the B&G can plan it however they want.

I’m all for “Your wedding, your choice”, but your brother and his fiancée must be monumentally dim to not have realised your mother’s offer to pay for the flower girls’ dresses came with the expectation of her grandchildren wearing them. An amoeba could work that much out. Is it possible your brother’s fiancée is in a strop for some reason? It’s a pretty rotten way to make a point, but I can’t believe anyone is obtuse enough to not realise.

That said, your mother’s partner is being a total arse. Throwing a tantrum because his children haven’t been invited? The youngest was at university when he got together with your mother, for heaven’s sake; they’re adults! It sounds like he has at least two children, plus grandchildren - that’s a minimum of six extra guests including partners. Surely he is worldly wise enough to know how much weddings cost these days?

Where do people get that flower girls etc are from
brides side ?? Never heard of that ever and been to lots of weddings and bridesmaid from both sides
my brother would of had mine for sure but you can’t assume and would not stop me going , but have i misread and your kids not invited at all? My dh sister never invited our kids and I wish we never went mow ( it was not child free) but on the day they looked very silly as when relatives asked where our kids were , we told the truth that they were not invited and that raised a lot of eyebrows and some embarrassment for some who’s kids were invited.
if your mums partner kids not invited , don’t blame him for declining. He should Just decline politely and leave them to it. I

It seems like the fuck up from the bride and groom is not being clear about children and invitations.

There is no obligation for the OPs children to be flower girls and it's really odd that this was assumed. The girls who have been asked might appear to be more distant relatives but the relationship might be closer.

It's their choice to have a child free wedding other than the flower girls. But they should have told close family sooner because it would be harder to find childcare if half the family are at the same wedding.

It probably feels shitty for him not to invite step siblings and maybe it is but again, their choice.
Maybe he doesn't feel as close to them. Maybe there's beef you don't know about.

Like others I think YABVU to have assumed without any discussion your children would be flower girls but not unreasonable to expect them to be invited. Can you just say to your brother that he needs to invite your children as the only close relatives who are kids, that doesn't then need to break the no child rule.

I would say your mum shouldn't pay for the dresses given they are for strangers but could instead offer to put that amount of money behind the bar/towards other costs, so it makes the confusion clear and gives B&H opportunity to fix things but doesn't create more upset.

I thinks its completely normal that she would ask her own relatives to be her flower girls. My cousin is like my sister I'd have her daughter as a flower girl before I'd have my husband to be's nieces any time.