To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

It is a conversation that should have been had much earlier on than this.

Your bro is being very mean and your sister in law to be is either obtuse or very entitled to send your Mum the bill. Personally I feel it’s the latter as the former would naturally have led to a conversation as to why your Mum wanted to pay for three dresses for children she didn’t know.

For the sake of family harmony there does need to be a conversation.

For what it’s worth I did have my DH niece as a flower girl and he had my DNs as ushers because that’s what you do with family.

You and DM shouldn't have assumed and now you need to accept SIL's decision with good grace.

It would have been nice for your kids to be involved but not a natural assumption to make, sorry.

Your DH needs to dial back the drama. It's a child free wedding except bridal party (usually also babes in arms). Perfectly normal.

Just go and celebrate with your brother. Ok, he's not handled it with all the diplomatic skill in the world but it's one day. Don't make it bitter. You've got one brother (if I've read correctly) and its his wedding.

Bride gets to choose bridesmaids and flower girls.

It would be good to know how big a wedding they are having. If it's limited numbers, I can understand why your step-siblings may not be invited.

Everything else sounds like a shit show. I think your DC should be invited.
Your DB is spineless and has just given all wedding planning to his bride who is clearly prioritising her family.
He should be standing up for you.

Can you talk to your DB or someone else? Point out what a dickhead he's being

I'm amazed so many think it's weird nieces might be asked to be bm

The brother aka uncle is getting married

They have other bm from her side so why aren't they from his side

And yes rude that step father isn't invited as been together for years

Its certainly traditional in my world. My MiL was very much involved in my wedding 35 years ago, as was I in my DSs wedding, and in pretty much every wedding I've known, the mother of the groom (to give her her proper title and status, rather than define her only by her future relationship to the bride!) has been very prominent in the proceedings. In fact it's only on MN that I see MiL seen as irrelevant old women who should stay quietly in the background and know their place. In the real world I find women are typically keen to foster positive relationships with their husband's mother, and vice versa.

I would be very upset tbh I wouldn't bother going.
Fine it's her wedding but she's making it very clear where your side of the family place, there's always loads of 'it's her wedding she can do whatever she likes and shit on everyone as it's her big day' which is true but doesn't mean you have to go along with that behaviour and suck it up.

I would be telling my mother she's not paying for the dresses and telling my sil that's she's a cheeky * for accepting it

Or he’s not spineless at all with his fiancée, and this is exactly level of involvement he wants his family to have.

Why the assumption that this is her decision? It’s very possible that they spoke about family roles and he decided this is the level of involvement wants his family to have.

The SIL didn’t want to accept it, OP’s mother repeatedly insisted. Even when she did accept she sent the invoice with a ‘don’t feel obliged to pay’ caveat.

Never assume! It's shit your kids are not even invited though.

In what universe do you expect to send your two children to someone else’s wedding to be bridesmaids when they haven’t been asked to attend?

No wonder the bride’s finding herself short on seats. Poor woman.

I always find it weird when people have expectations about other people’s weddings. When my brother got married, loads of people at the wedding asked why I wasn’t in it. I was like, errr why would I be?? SIL’s sister was her sole bridesmaid and my other brother was best man. My mom told me ‘not to feel bad’ — I was like um I don’t? Seriously just let your brother and SIL do what they want and enjoy the wedding!!

I couldn’t have married someone so useless, personally.

Your mother is setting herself up to be one of those MILs that get posted about on MN.

DP and I are currently planning our wedding. My future MIL had kindly offered to pay for my flower girls' dressed, but then she rescinded the offer because I didn't make her grandchildren flower girls. All she has done is cry since. Now her boyfriend is refusing to come to the wedding because we didn't invite his adult children (I barely know these people and DP never pushed to include them) and because MIL is so upset. And now my soon-to-be SIL is upset because we're not having children at the wedding (other than the three in the bridal party) and because her children aren't flower girls. Her husband is refusing to come.

I think most people would be telling her to run for the hills.

@Stressybetty
It's the bride that chooses bridesmaids not the groom

It would depend on your DB’s relationship with your children - if it’s a close one I would have probably thought they would be , but I wouldn’t be angry if they weren’t. However - given that her cousins are being flower girls , then I think I would be offended .

But , ultimately it’s their day and for the sake of him I think I would just bite my tounge and go x

If you say so. Ime people tend to believe those on the receiving end of being ‘cut off’ to be far more impacted than they actually are.

And yes, what you’re doing is the definition of holding a grudge. If there was any awkwardness on their part I can well believe it’s at family gatherings, where they expect Donna Vita Corleone over there to lunge at them with a salad server, or sneak off to deposit a horse’s head in their bedsheets.

When a colleague of mine got married she decided she didn’t want any bridesmaids. I have no idea why. Her husband’s brother had four daughters (aged between 11 and 3) and on the day they all unexpectedly turned up in matching white bridesmaid dresses. They seemed to have a lovely time at the wedding and featured in some of the wedding photos. My colleague said she thought it was really cheeky, but she didn’t get cross about it because, after the event, she could see where her bil and sil were coming from as the girls did look adorable - and they were so happy. Seeing as your girls aren’t even invited this won’t work for you, and I wouldn’t recommend it anyway, but I do feel sorry for you as it does seem very unfair for your girls not even to be invited.

Off topic slightly but when I was 11 my uncle announces his engagement and immediately asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was delighted. 6 months later as the wedding plans were underway it was clear I wasn't included. Stung like Hell and I've never looked at his wife the same. But really it was his mistake to assume.

No contact?! Really?! No contact is for abusive, traumatic, deeply toxic family relationships. Not a misunderstanding over wedding invites. Wow.

The step father is invited, his children aren’t.

Your brother sounds like a total wet lettuce

At first I thought hmm… shouldn’t assume ur girls will be flower girls (tbh I was gonna say it’s a relief, it’s stressful trying to get very young kids to sit for hairdressing and to behave and be on show in a ceremony) but to find out ur kids r not invited at all is pretty shitty. My father has also passed away so I know it will likely be quite emotional that he’s missing. I would be fuming if my brother got married and didn’t invite my kids. Not inviting ur mums partners kids I think hmm… fair enough.

dimetimes I think weddings bring out the worst in folk ! Maybe ur SIL to be is a bit of a bridezilla but ur brother needs to get some balls

*If you say so. Ime people tend to believe those on the receiving end of being ‘cut off’ to be far more impacted than they actually are.

And yes, what you’re doing is the definition of holding a grudge.*

Said it better than I could. I know people obviously feel different about weddings, but I wouldn’t be so upset if my children weren’t invited to a wedding. Having taken younger children to events, I spent most of it following them about and keeping them out of trouble.

Yet strangely our hero couldn't tell his family that. He referred them to his bride to be to do it for him.