To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Bridesmaids come from either side of the family this is the 21st century..
I would be disappointed if my girls were not bridesmaids as they are his only nieces also to not even be invited is even worse.
I’m with you #notmotherofflowergirls I would be completely hacked off.

Every wedding we been too the bride and groom paid . Ours we are paying for everything and would not ask or expect neither side to pay . But we would also not allow anyone to dictate who to invite or not . I admit we are a bit different in the sense we are grownups nit young people getting married , we shave kids etc but thinking for the future , I would never dictate who my children can invite or have as flower girls

Unless there is a backstory, this Is incredibly thoughtless of the bride and groom. It’s the type of selfish decision that shatters families. I’m shocked so many people think you’re being unreasonable. You can’t invite some siblings / nieces and nephews and not all. No doubt the bride will be on here in a few years complaining her in laws family don’t have much time for her.

Goodness me, you sound like someone who overly loves drama in your life where there is no need. Maybe they simply didn't want 2 very young children at their wedding. So you've now caused a permanent family rift just because your children weren't invited. Lots of people don't invite their cousin's children to their wedding even if one of them is a godson.

I agree with everything you’ve said here, yes, and my own wedding was like this. My husband and I decided between us exactly who we wanted to invite and every single thing about the wedding (except he wasn’t involved in my dress of course - I just did that on my own).

We also paid for it all ourselves so there was no expectation from anyone else that they were entitled to wade in on the arrangements.

We didn’t have children at the wedding and I didn’t have any bridesmaids at all. It was just our wedding - and we made sure it was really good fun for everyone.

My only issue was with you saying she didn’t have a say because she was the MIL - I don’t think the bride’s mother should have any more say than the groom’s! (ie both none!)

Im very much its their day, they dont have to invite anyone etc etc, but I think in what youve posted that your brother is a selfish knob.

So his nieces arent invited, but his wifes cousins children are going to be flower girls?

Im not surprised your DH is angry, I would be fuming too (& I did have a child free wedding, but it was child free for everyone and the 2 that did have kids lived where we got married and grandparents had them for the day - no overnight stay required). Its either yes to kids or no, not yes to a distant relation of the wifes but no to a direct blood relative of the grooms.

I also think its incredibly rude to not invited his step siblings - especially as he went to their weddings and can understand why your DMs partner isnt going.

I get the feeling that once the wedding is over, you wont be seeing much of him anymore.

And tell your mother NOT to pay for the flower girls dress, that is taking the piss. I think you need to speak to your brother and spell out exactly what a shit show his wedding is and how he has completely disregarded his own family and that hurts. His reaction to hearing that will tell you everything you need to know.

@Itsaloadofbollocksbut
"We’re all invited to the evening party but apparently not allowed to know where it is or any exact details yet other than date. (We live 6 hours away from them so some idea of location and time would be helpful to sort hotel and travel - everyone else is local - but apparently that’s above BIL’s pay grade."

I don't think I would travel 6 hours for what is basically an evening party.

So Mum offered to pay for the flower girls' dresses on the assumption that her grandchildren were the flower girls. Oh dear.

It is not traditional for the future MIL to get involved in wedding plans.

and now because your Mum couldn't or wouldn't accept that, she now has an invoice for dresses for children she is not even related to. Oh well.

Would have expected it but unfortunately with weddings, sometimes you just need to suck it up and leave the bride and groom to their decisions.

Its up to the bride to choose bridesmaids and flowergirls. But it's mean your kids aren't even invited.to the wedding. I don't think your mum's partners kids can expect to be invited. If your DH is annoyed and doesn't want to go then he shouldn't be forced.

@Anonymous2025

"Lots of people on MN don’t invite children as an example , for me that’s unthinkable so our wedding has 22 children ( well 14 under 12 and the rest teens )out id 100 guests . And I prefer to have those children there with the parents than my old aunty or his only aunty who is 85 and I haven’t seen for 20 years"

This is funny and I do totally agree with you, even though I am that "old aunty" (although only in my 50s).

I am at the stage in life where nephews and nieces are getting married. Like you, the weddings I've been to recently of my nephews and nieces have often included a sizeable percentage of children and teenagers. I do find it odd that people want to have weddings and choose to exclude their relatives who are children.

But I totally get it, as there are nephews and nieces (I come from quite a large family by today's standards) that I have little or no contact with and would be surprised indeed if they were to invite me to their wedding.

What I would say about the 85 year old aunty is, maybe send her a piece of the wedding cake (if that is still a thing) and a couple of photos of your wedding, I'm really sure that she would appreciate that.

I haven't rtft but it isn't your wedding. Keep your opinions to yourself and let the bride and groom get on with the planning.

My DD and her fiancé planned and paid for their own wedding, but I paid for her dress and I believe that her in-laws contributed to something else.

However, my DD invited both me and her MIL to join her in looking at venues and going to a wedding exhibition. I liked that she offered that and was inclusive of her MIL. It also gave me and the MIL the opportunity to get to know each other more.

Basically it's just a nice thing to do to at least chat to both sets of parents about your plans, even if you're paying for it yourself. I don't see one mother as more important to the other when two people get married. It's a wedding day, not a bride day.

I’m a bit confused by some of the posters acting as if a cousin cannot be closer than ones SIL.

The bride very likely may have been closer to her cousin and the cousin’s children than her soon to be SIL and the SIL’s children. If OP’s brother didn’t care or mention his nieces being flower girls then it isn’t on the bride to pick them if she is closer to her cousin and those girls.

Reminds me of when my DB got engaged. Me and my sis asked him if we could be bridesmaids, he said yes then later said it was up to SIL. No definite answer was ever given so we assumed it was a no and that she wasn't having any. At the wedding there were 2 bridesmaids from her extended family. We were actually quite glad, it was autumn and freezing cold, both girls in thin pink dresses with short sleeves. Both me and sis were teenagers though and taller than the bride so fair enough. It's the brides day so really up to her.

Yikes. No one is covered in glory in this story.

@Iwant2beJessicaFletcher

I agree with you that inviting some children and excluding others is one of the main issues here. My opinion would be different if this was a completely childfree wedding, but it's not. OP has acknowledged she shouldn't have assumed they'd be flower girls, and I think this is a slight red herring in context of the rest of the story

I'm surprised that so many posters haven't seen grooms/in laws/ families involved with weddings before- most of my female friends married men who partook in organising the wedding and making decisions about it. And I've seen more examples of family from both sides of the couple helping in a kind way, compared to only a couple of instances of overstepping (usually the mother of the bride!)

Why would that be a reason for someone to feel awkward and uncomfortable? I can’t say it would be something that would bother me tbh. I’ve had childfree occasions where I’ve probably been asked that question, and I would have just answered it. Clearly didn’t have any impact as I’m not entirely sure whether anyone did in fact ask 🤷🏻‍♀️

She was probably surprised you were still holding a grudge, then I imagine there’s a good chance she just shrugged it off and let you get on with it.

I'm afraid YABU to assume your daughters would be flower girls. Never assume! In your shoes I might have asked my brother directly though (a little rude but I think you can be direct with a sibling). It sounds like your brother is not getting very involved in the planning so his family isn't being treated so well. I think the SIL is being a bit unkind here, but then I invited everyone's kids to my wedding and did have my niece as a flower girl (but she's on my side of the family)

The problem is 'naturally assumed'. It may have seemed quite natural to you but from experience, I would say nothing should ever be naturally assumed about weddings - they're absolute minefields.

The (self-protective) thing to do would have been to ask if they were having flower girls or even how many flower girls - that would have given you the answer you needed - but of course, everything's clearer with hindsight!

I’m with you OP, I’d have hoped my DD’s would be FGs and be heartbroken they’re not invited at all. I think your brother is to blame, it’s his wedding too and he seems to have either given no thought or been walked all over.

It’s crap your DDs haven’t been invited. Your DB is being an arse/pathetically weak.

Your mum shouldn’t pay for the dresses.