To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

One of DH’s brothers is getting married in the summer. None of the brothers or their families are invited to the ceremony/meal because the bride is an only child. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’re all invited to the evening party but apparently not allowed to know where it is or any exact details yet other than date. (We live 6 hours away from them so some idea of location and time would be helpful to sort hotel and travel - everyone else is local - but apparently that’s above BIL’s pay grade. 🙄)

I think it's mean to not have invited your step dad.

The step-dad is invited. He’s not going because his kids aren’t invited.

All of this wedding drama and histrionics I read on here makes me dread mine getting married.

Step away from this...turn up on the day and support your brother.... I suspect the marriage won't be long but you have to be there for him. Forget your girls ...you need to support your brother

In this case it’s your DB that sounds like he is just going to do no planning - not get involved and not even ask to have his family there / and it sounds like she is doing the wedding planning alone and he has checked out. So it’s a brother issue not a sister in law issue and it’s doesn’t bode well.

The groom’s yes we both discussed who we would invite together but how many other people do you think should decide that ? My mother would not dream of demanding us to invite people and I’m 100% sure neither would my Mil ? A wedding is something to be planned by 2 people bride and groom nobody else . Should we involve the bride and grooms dad too ? Because I’m sure if we allowed my father in law to decide on the wedding list we wouldn’t have an extra 100 people to pay for . Weddings are expensive , people should invite who they want.
Lots of people on MN don’t invite children as an example , for me that’s unthinkable so our wedding has 22 children ( well 14 under 12 and the rest teens )out id 100 guests . And I prefer to have those children there with the parents than my old aunty or his only aunty who is 85 and I haven’t seen for 20 years ( much to my future father in law disappointed I’m sure ) .

The only thing I think it's reasonable to have assumed is that his nieces would be invited. He's been very underhanded in not making it clear he doesn't want them there, given it means you need to sort childcare

You had no reason to expect your Ďds would be flower girls.

A cousin may be as close (or closer) than a sibling, and a cousin's children may be closer than nieces they rarely see.

As most other posters have said, no, that is not the problem.

The main thing that stands out to me is that the groom's nieces have not been invited.

I can imagine the conversation that the OP will have to have:-

"Oh, I'm sorry DD1 and DD2 but uncle X doesn't want you going to his wedding"

It seems that the OP's DH has said that he will not be going. I suspect that this is mostly due to their DDs being excluded rather than anything to do with dresses or anything.

I'd expect bridesmaids to come from bride's family and friends. I've never known any different.

OK, and why is that the brides shitty behaviour?

Why are people twisting things to make it the brides fault?

If the groom wanted them there, they would be there.

I was bridesmaid to my uncle when he married; bridesmaid to my brother when he married (as it were......). I had my nieces as my bridesmaids.......
Seems an odd set up and really sad for your girls not to be involved.

Not if she’s close to them it isn’t. She’s chosen her own bridal party, as is totally normal.

For all we know he’s contributed as much as she has, and his family have exactly the level of involvement that HE wants them to have, yet immediately the bride to be is getting blamed and insulted. Fucking hell - ‘He’s weak so at best we can be annoyed at him, but SHE’S the demon!’

Presumably she means she can’t imagine why they’d give a fuck.

So you have never heard of the groom’s sister being a bridesmaid? That’s fairly common in my experience

You were wrong to assume, never assume anything about weddings.

However, I lay the blame squarely at your brother's feet for the upset. IME of wedding grooms (I've attended many close friends and relatives weddings), bar choosing their suit they pretty much show up for the day and that's their contribution to the wedding. However, he should have known and communicated details about the wedding to you all when your mum began asking. He should not be saying I'll ask wife, he is getting married too. It is his job to advocate for his family.

I know I had a coffee with my MIL and GPIL's and told them wedding plans, meal plans (they were pretty much giving themselves hernias about the food), seating, anyone who we have missed off ect as my DH was rubbish at communicating and INVITING with his family and they were getting frustrated. I had asked DH to tell them, I sent the menu with him to give to them and it came back crumpled in the bottom of his rucksack, and ask certain questions but he "forgot" or only told them half because he CBA with the drama/ questions/ family gossip. DH drew up his list for his family. After chatting with MIL and GPIL there were aunts missing, cousins missing, close family friends missing. I only asked as i'd got 60 on my list and DH had 15 including himself and BIL who was best man. We had a package that allowed us upto 80 day guests and 120 evening guests, with a very reasonable per head extra charge for over 80 day guests.

I have a sneaking feeling that this was supposed to be a child free wedding and it was up to DB to tell you this, but he hasn't. Regarding the flower girl dresses, I imagine there were originally no flower girls (only wedding I attended with a flower girl, the flower girl was the bride and grooms 3yr old daughter). But your DM has gone on and on about it and so bride has caved and picked 3 people, hence why she's said don't bother paying for them.

It's going to be a matter of turning up and making the best of the day.

In your shoes, this is not a wedding I'd be investing in.

If it's local, I'd go for the wedding itself and maybe the meal afterwards but only if I fancied it.

If you'd have to travel a distance/pay for a hotel, I'd probably sack the whole thing off.

Your brother doesn't have to make you/your family a priority but you don't have to prioritise him in turn.

And yup, definitely wouldn't be paying for/organising a babysitter if your DH is happy to stay home.

Yes how absolutely selfish of people to not acknowledge their own likely costly day is not about them, its about faaamily and the people apparently celebrating are more bothered about their expectations and demands being met than 'the happy couples'!

YABU

You shouldn't have assumed your kids would be flower girls. The bride is probably really close with this cousin and her girls.
Your mum should pay for the dresses as she offered, gifts shouldn't come with strings attached.

Child free weddings are very common and totally normal. The flower girls will probably only be there for the ceremony and photos, and not the dinner and party.
It does seem a little strange not to invite your 'step siblings', but your brother probably doesn't get along with them as well as you do. If it's a smaller wedding he might have other friends, colleagues etc that he wants to prioritise, and you all met as adults not growing up together.

And the drama of all the husbands refusing to go now for perfectly normal wedding decisions just seems so OTT.

Wow own siblings not invited as bride is an only child? Absolute madness

It all sounds a bit dramatic and like you’re all over-reacting a bit.

Child-free weddings are common these days. Personally, I was of the mindset that the more the merrier, including kids, when planning my wedding but that was many years ago. Like I said, common now, no need to take it so personally.

Also, totally normal for bridesmaids/flower girls to come from the brides side of the family. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask my husband’s side of the family.

It’s also totally normal for the bride to plan the wedding with her own mother or just with her husband to be. Groom’s mother rarely has much involvement in the planning in my experience.

And with regards to your stepdad’s adult children not being invited, it’s not really anyone’s business who is on the guest list, but can’t you just ask your brother why they’ve not been invited? It could just be a case of numbers?

So many people getting upset, crying and saying they’re not going to the wedding now seems ridiculous and quite hurtful towards your brother.

My bet is he wasn’t planning on helping with the wedding that much in the first place nor thinks it is an issue his nieces aren’t there. OP and her mum don’t sound like they know the bride much at all, assuming that the daughters would automatically be flower girls yet OP doesn’t mention anywhere that the bride actually knows them or has a relationship with them. Plus, in her post she said:

DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed.

My guess is that their mum nagged him and he relented knowing who the dresses were for and didn’t say anything because he wanted her to drop the issue.

I am confused about how you assumed your children would be part of the bridal party?

I am going to assume your brother doesn't view the "step" siblings the way you do. Because then he would have had them on the list 🤷‍♀️

A lot of weddings are child free.i appreciate people are upset but really the flowergirls assumption is on your family.

Of course they can include and invite who they want. But they have to also accept the consequences of upsetting and alienating the family.

Without other young children, I too, would probably have made the same assumption.
Now it seems that the bride's cousins children are flower girls, and soon to be nieces are not invited at all, as second cousin flower girls will be the only children there.
Like your DM, I would be upset, but also I would still go, and I would expect the DM's DP to go as well.
Of course he is right to be dismayed that his adult children, step children to the brother, and who lived wth them for a while, is not invited.
However, being disappointed/dismayed is one thing, it is how you deal with this going forward that is important.
The thing is, we always remember weddings, who was there, not there, invited or not. They won't be there in photos forever.
How this affects a relationship with the OP's DB and SIL going forward is something else. In other words, for the sake of the DB, I would go, but it does not mean I would ever forget.