To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Your brother should have told you up front and ages ago that no kids were invited. This is all on him - plus he should have invited his mothers partner.
You should never have assumed your kids would be flower girls though.

I feel really sad for your mum whose son seems to have no interest in her being part of the wedding planning. When I got married, my DH and I wanted both our families to be happy for us. I invited his only sister to join my two sisters as bridesmaids and my DH invited my two brothers to be groomsmen. It created a bigger wedding party than we would have otherwise gone for, but family harmony was the aim. Mother of the bride and mother of the groom were both important to us and we made sure both were included at key points. It seems your brother doesn’t care about his family being fully included. My son is my only child and this makes me sad to think that I may be excluded at the point of a future marriage.

Yes it is hurtful your brother has not invited his step siblings. Do they not get on?

The flower girl thing I can get over but see why it has unsettled you, though it's not a hill worth dying on. Them not being invited however is very sad as it doesn't sound like a child free wedding considering her nieces are going. If her nieces are invited, why on earth aren't his?! Very strange indeed.

We have a very similar family dynamic to you and I agree totally with you assuming your daughters would be flower girls. A wedding is a happy family event and I’d expect the whole family to be there. I’d be devastated in your situation. What’s wrong with people? So sorry for you x

Mum offered to pay and the bride told her they didn’t have too.
Dis you consider teh fast that OP doesn’t seem to can know her future sister in law well enough to pick up the phone and ask her things so we can only assume the bride had no relationship with the op daughters ? So maybe those 3 girls from her cousin are actuality close to the bride ? Or maybe none of them are but the 3 cousins are really cute and she prefers them because the pictures will look nicer ? Point is , there might be a lot of reasons . I’m not close to why if my finances young nieces apart from one and she is a nightmare and misbehaves so ie phoney have her as a flower girls anyway , I’m having my own girls so there was no issues here but if I didn’t have my girls I would Kayce invited my best friends daughters , not my finances nieces

I absolutely detest weddings because of the complicated social niceties, but I do actually think the OP is being quite reasonable, and irrespective of whether flower girls usually come from the bride's side of the family I think you do a lot of stuff when arranging such an event to keep people happy, invest in your family relationships etc. I think all this "it's their day" talk is really weird. It's a huge family celebration and it's for the hosts to be hospitable and sensitive. No-one has to go to their wedding, they want people there so they can be the centre of attention. I wouldn't go under these circumstances.

I think you - and your mum - were wrong to assume your DDs would be flower girls. That one's on you.

But given your mum's long term partner isn't invited and that all questions to BIL were referred back to his fiancee, I wonder if this is a sign of the future and whether for Christmases, birthdays, holidays... her family will always have to come first?

What's your relationship like with BIL and his fiancee more widely?

Edited - correction, I'd forgotten your stepfather is invited but doesn't want to go. I still wonder though.

What since when are Mils involved in the weddings anyway ? This is a first for me

This is awful. Your brother should be ashamed of himself and soon to be SiL sounds toxic. It doesn't bode well for his relationship with your side of the family going forward. I honestly can't believe people choose to get involved with partners who treat their family like dirt. What an arse. If I were you I just wouldn't bother going at all and I'd tell your mum not to pay for the dresses either. Don't let them treat you like that. You all deserve better.

You were wrong to assume your girls would be flower girls. You point out there are no other kids in the family apart from your stepdads grandkids but that’s a big oversight on your part because the bride obviously has young children in her family. She has every right to have them as flower girls. Are your mum and SIL close? It’s the bride and grooms day so they are under no obligation to include your mum in the planning to stop her being upset, it’s not her day it’s theirs to plan. I’m not sure what part makes you feel like you’ve been kicked in the guts? You and your mum both sound slightly dramatic

Really, really bad form on the bride and groom. Yes, it was a mistake to assume your kids would be flower girls but to then find out that they are not even invited!!

(PS, being a flower girl is very tedious for most small children, my then 6 yo daughter flounced half way through the day and got changed into jeans and a t shirt).

😂😂😂😂😂

I think when two people marry it makes it easier if both families are involved, particular mothers of the bride and groom. These days bridesmaids and flower girls are more often a mix of both sides.
Your SIL can of course choose who she wants but your brother is at fault here not discussing this earlier.
At least it’s clear where you stand with your SIL.

What do you mean????

It isn’t just the bride’s wedding, it’s the groom’s as well. So she isn’t just the “MIL” she’s the mother of one of the people getting married.

As far as I am aware, there is no more of an official role in a wedding for the bride’s mother than there is for the groom’s.

Choosing second cousins over your soon-to-be nieces is deeply odd.

I'd be seriously tempted not to go, but the day has already been ruined for your mum, so I think you should go, both you and your husband, to support her - if she intends on going without her partner. *mea culpa, missed that he was invited but won't go.

It sounds like the 'stepsiblings' have been included in other family weddings and vice versa.

What is it about planning a wedding that turns some women into total dicks!

This! Your brother is a wet blanket if he can’t stand up for his own family to be involved on his wedding day. If only brides side allowed it’s not great signs for future involvement, bride to be obvs calls ALL the shots. I’d be hurt too.

I think it's mean to not have invited your step dad. But I don't think anyone can make assumptions about bridesmaids and Flower girls- especially these days. Everyone has their own ideas about what marriage ceremony they want. My partner and I have been together 25+ years, we got married a few months ago. We only had our 2 DC there and haven't told any family as we didnt see the need to. I think traditions around this have really changed, so you can't assume anything.

She may not even really know the soon-to-be-nieces for all we know! I think it’s unfair to call the bride a dick, just for wanting to choose her own flower girls and not have it dictated to her.

Has the bride chosen the best man or the ushers?

It’s very mean of your future sister in law. Can’t see you two being besties in the future. She could have bought two wee dresses from Dunnes and let the girls have the fun of being flower girls. I see you mentioned Dublin, so take it your possibly Irish. If you are your brother sounds like a typically Irish man with his non communication. They think everything will go away if they say nothing. I wish you and your mother well with this pair in the future. My advice would be to say very little though and let them at it🥲🙏
BUT your mother must not pay for those dresses for other flower girls!!!

You were unreasonable to make the assumption that your DC would be flower girls.

DB and future SIL are being very unreasonable in excluding your DC when other DC will be at the wedding.

DB and future SIL are being unreasonable and downright rude in not inviting step siblings.

Personally I'm not sure I'd attend in your shoes. Only you can make that decision. Someone should have a word with DB though and tell him to stop alienating his family!

You don't sound like a big loss 😳

You made assumptions and it is not the fault of your brother or his wife-to-be.

To add, I had two adult bridemaids for my wedding. I said to her that we were not having flower girls. My SIL was so annoyed that her daughters weren't asked that she went and bought them dresses in our wedding colours and told everybody that they were flower girls.

I think it's one of those situations where it is a bit mean of the future SIL, BUT for the sake of future relations both you and your DM need to be super careful not to cut off your nose to spite your face, as they say. As it is you're both coming across as a bit petulant.

Since the out dated tradition that the brides family pays for everything disappeared. Since the idea that weddings are jointly for both members of the couple and the idea they both pay for everything themselves. Certainly should be no pressure on the brides family to pay. Although I do remember going to one weddings where the grooms family were staying in a hotel and the brides family had said they would cover the wedding costs. Breakfast the next morning the grooms family were all ordering expensive breakfasts and drinks and other stuff and the brides parents weren’t down yet and they were all laughing over all the mini bar and room service and breakfast they had added to the hotel bill - double whiskey yes please and make that the 25 year scotch etc with breakfast. I found that very awful. They all seemed to be freeloaders. Her parents provided a house deposit 12 months later she caught him cheating and it was all over / he had half the house though and half the wedding gifts and stuff. Dreadful.