To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Yes assume nothing. Similar happened to us. Odd, but what can you do? Precisely nothing. Buy your girls a beautiful outfit each and treat them like princesses and take lovely photos of your children yourself.

I agree with this 👏

It was a crazy assumption to make.

Your daughters not being flower girls is one thing, but them not being invited at all is shitty behaviour. I can understand the "no children" thing to a point, but inviting cousins and not nieces is not ok. It's already it a child-free wedding anyway, it would cost nothing to add them.
I wouldn't go either, if the bride and groom can't make a minimum of effort to include family children, they can get married on their own.

I got married 28 years ago, had an adult bridesmaid and a 4 yr old flower girl. 🤷‍♀️

My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls.

I would never ‘naturally assume’ my
children would be flower girls/bridesmaids at another person’s wedding. Both my siblings have got married and it was up to the bride to choose bridesmaids/flower girls if and when they wanted them.

Right?
No wonder so many DIL have problems with their ILs. On a site like MN the assumption is sexist and unfair.
The DB may simply have washed his hands of the planning. ALL of it. And provided a 'guest list' without much thought as he just wasn't interested.
'Weak' implies some sort of confrontation when he may simply not give an F*. Unlike his family.
Or as you said he doesn't want to deal with his side.

It's the wedding of TWO people and while women are branded 'bridezilla' IME it suits a lot of men to not lift a finger and let their fiancees take the blame. Dressing it up as 'she cares more'.

Oh for goodness sake, all these replies saying you shouldn't expect this or that. It's her bother for Christs sake. Of course, his sister's kiddies should have been asked. Unbelievable!

I can understand that you might be a bit miffed / disappointed, and it’s a bit thoughtless of your brother - but bloody hell there’s no need to be so dramatic. Just go to the wedding and have a nice time.

@KreedKafer I was a flower girl in the 1960’s. The phrase has been around for a long time.

Or even that she’s asked him what he wants, and this IS what he wants. Maybe he wanted a childfree wedding and they reached a compromise with her cousin’s kids acting as bridesmaids.

It may very well be that this wedding very much reflects his wishes, but he’s being depicted as the weak one that been rolled over by his harridan of a fiancee.

I can't believe this is close to a 50/50 split and so many people are saying the OP is in the wrong. Your SIL-to-be sounds like a grade A bitch OP. How awful to exclude her soon to be DHs nieces not only from her wedding party but from the whole wedding.

I'm all for "their day, their choice" and didn't have kids under 12 at my wedding but my circumstances at the time meant that hurt no-one - DHs cousin (who he wasn't close to) had a 2 year old at the time and although two of our bridal party had kids, they explicitly told us they'd prefer their kids weren't there so they could have a good time and focus on being in the bridal party.

If I were to be getting married now, I couldn't avoid having kids there as too many of my close family and friends have kids that I see a great deal of.

This. You’ve assumed and bulldozed your way into this.

Poor bride to be. Shes allowed to choose her own flower girls.

Is your mum’s partner not going as a flounce as his children aren’t invited? If so, he’s being a twit. Just go and be nice.

This is all on you and your mother. Why would you just assume your daughters were flower girls and why should your mum be involved with the planning? I didn't have a bridal party for this exact reason, too many opinions and too many expectations. Its their wedding, let them do what they want.

I can understand being a bit annoyed at the children not being invited but seriously relax with the tears and dramatics !!!!

I’d be hurt too but Your brother is the issue. There’s no way my dh would have agreed to this. I’d go to the wedding service and then go home… with the reason that dh is at home with dd’s and you don’t want to be there without him.

hy did you assume it was your children anyway? I’m planning my own wedding , I have girls so they have those roles but if I don’t then my partners nieces where nit be my choice , it would probably be friends daughters we see often ? It’s not your wedding or your mothers , it’s this woman who it’s your brother , it’s not up to you to make assumptions . You are being very unfair and creating a massive rift where there is no need for one

What a load of drama!

The bride usually chooses the flower girls and she chose her cousins children.

Given how poor your brothers communication has been with you and your family, it's not unreasonable to suggest that his communication with his partner has been equally lacking. She may not know about any of this.

You were wrong to assume that your girls would be flower girls. I don't understand why you didn't just ask him outright instead of assuming.

"Hilarious to have offered to buy flower girl dresses and then discover different children are going to be wearing them"

It's not 'hilarious' though. It's shitty behaviour from B&G.

It's not "shitty behaviour from the B&G" at all. They haven't done anything.
It was just really bizarre behaviour from the OP's mother.

I would never have made this assumption.

YANBU seriously the brides cousins daughters are not only invited but are flower girls aswell and the grooms actual nieces aren’t even invited. That is poor form and your brother should be ashamed. When I got married I had 7 pageboys/ flower girls because I wanted everyone to be included. They all looked lovely and really made the day. Also dresses/ suits were bought very cheaply from monsoon sale and Amazon.

It's traditional for the bride's family to organise and pay for the entirety of the wedding.

I can understand why you would have hoped your girls would be flower girls and it would have been a nice gesture, but traditionally this would be children on the bride's side of the family. You were unreasonable to assume it. That the wedding is child free apart from the wedding party would be hard to swallow in the circumstances but they haven't done anything wrong or particularly insensitive - it's their day.

I don't know how big the wedding is or how close your brother is to your step dad's children. If it's a fairly big wedding and they're fairly close, it is pretty poor of the bride's family not to include them.

I think it's necessary for everyone invited to go and smile or you will lose out on a relationship and cause yourselves further pain.

Oh god. This is bringing back memories. When I was around 5, my uncle was getting married. My mum assumed my two cousins and I would have roles on the day. Nope. The bride chose her sister's daughters as flower girls. My mum was so angry that she took me to the reception in a similar looking bridesmaid's dress so people would make the wrong assumption that I was a flower girl and embarrass my uncle and new aunt. All that happened was she looked petty. I cringe thinking about it now.

Look, you were wrong to assume anything. It is that assumption that has led to all this anger now. Childfree weddings are not personal insults or a reflection of anyone's feelings. You said your stepfather has grandchildren, so that probably means his adult children have partners. That's potentially another 6 people to invite! You may see them as step siblings, but it might not be like that for your brother. You were all adults when the parents got together. These are not people you grew up with. There isn't a sibling relationship there.

There just seems to be a lot of assuming going on in your family and not much talking. I think you all just need to calm down and get over yourselves. Your mum's parter needs to wind his neck in, and your husband needs to stop with his tantrum. Get a babysitter, both go to the wedding, and accept that not everyone thinks like you do. It's not worth this drama.