SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

[thereutrnofthegift]

OK yes this is very petty but it annoys me.

5 years ago I was admitted to a MH hospital, we were not allowed phones/ internet. Just allowed a visit once a week.

During that time DH told me SIL was running the family Christmas secret Santa. Not everyone knew I was in hospital so I guessed she would make sure she got me. So I asked DH, to say I didn't mind what she got but I did not want her to do our wedding album. She has done them for friends before and it's the sort of thing she'd do. I told him I was really looking forward to being at home after Christmas and getting to do the album myself. He said he would.

I got released from hospital about a week before Christmas. Sitting in his parents living room Christmas day I opened my SS present, (it's a set up where everyone watches you open your gift), of course it was a wedding album. I think I put on a decent show of being happy but honestly I wish I had just left because I wouldn't have to think about it every again!

I asked DH when we got home what had happened. He said SIL asked for the photos and he knew she had put in a lot of effort, and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it. I put it at the back of a high shelf in a spare room. It causes tension any time it is brought up.

SIL has asked to borrow the book which has brought it up again.

I'm not sure what my AIBU is, I suppose that it still upsets me. That he choose to hurt me. When really I don't think SIL would have been too hurt at all.

Did you do your own too? I think I would just have done another in the manner I wanted it to be done. Yes he was insensitive and could have told her not to but by the same token there is no reason not to gave done your own version if you didn't like hers.

I know it’s been a while but I think I’d feel the same. Have you asked why he let her do it, and why does she want it now? Can you make your own now?

Sounds like a complete non-issue and a thoughtful gift, as suggested above, no reason you couldn’t do your own the way you wanted as well.

You asked your husband to tell her not to. He didn't.
Not her fault.

YANBU, it wasn't thoughtful, and offering to burn it was plain weird.

Do your own? Mountains and molehills.

YABVU. It's a lovely gift and you're being ridiculous and rather rude about something that someone clearly put a lot of time and effort into.

You could have also made your own one.

Not SILs fault at all. Completely DH's fault sorry if I got that across wrong.

She wants to show a friend how they can be done or something.

I know I can do my own, it's just honestly any time I think about doing it I remember how shit I felt when I saw it. That DH choose to trump SILs feelings over mine. It has caused some massive rows. So I think it is better left to lie.

DH just says he didn't want to hurt her feelings. But clearly didn't give a shit about mine - he says that isn't the case.

it seems like overstepping to me
but presumably not to her

i think you could redo it

Just say it’s in the attic and inaccessible

Sounds like your DH is a people pleaser. And they just often end up pleasing nobody!

I would move on though. If you have copies of the photos then do your own and put hers to the back of the cupboard. She didn’t mean to upset you and he just stuck his head in the sand. Nothing good will come of dwelling on this.

Not SIL's fault, but as is so often the case, you do have a pretty serious DH problem.

That he would have to hurt someone's feelings, so he actively choose to hurt yours is awful. Properly LTB territory.

This sounds batshit your sil did a nice thing for you and your creating issues or something she did to be thoughtful.

With the greatest of respect, everyone is behaving very melodramatically and I can’t see any reason why you can’t all get over it. Burning and exiling the book? Goodness me.

She was obviously half way through making it and your DH, probably in total despair at his wife being admitted to hospital, didn’t want to cause unnecessary drama with his family.

Nothing to get upset about.

Also I’m pretty sure you can make more than one album and there’s no reason why you couldn’t have done this yourself as well

@Delatron I have prints of a my favourite ones up. The book does live in the back of a cupboard and I don't dwell on it. I honestly haven't thought of it in years.

@PrimalOwl10 it's not to do with what SIL did, she did to a lovely thoughtful thing. It's because I asked DH to specifically ask her not to, he choose to spare her feelings over mine

I’m guessing he just didn’t realise how upset you’d be and it was hard to tell his sister no?

I would let it go. I think he just chose the easiest option.

I was just about to say similar. She did what she thought was a nice thing and your DH probably wasn't thinking clearly at the time. You've got a nice wedding album that someone who loves you put a lot of effort into making. If you don't like it then redo the album, or get the photos reprinted and make a new one. You could have done this years ago without all the angst and upset.

yes perhaps he thought it was a nice present for her to do op
agree,
let it go,
go and knead some bread and let the anger our

and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it.

So when you told him you were hurt he said tough you didn't matter (enough) but then went all dramatic and DAVRO'd you? Yep that would sting a lot.

Has he had your back since then or stopped doing these dramatic things?

OK OP I’m going to speak from the POV from a partner whose OH has complex MH issues arisen from PTSD resulting from serving in a war and seeing many friends die.

Its so hard for my DH and he has depressive and destructive spells, and it is of course very hard for you for whatever reasons you have.

But the supporting partners are people whose needs, whose requirement to bumble along and make the best of bad situations, to manage outside relationships and explain to family member and friends why OH can’t come to places/isn’t in the right place for even a phone call etc - is thankless exhausting work that is more often than not taken for granted by everybody. We are expected to be the supporters, that’s fine - I love my DH enough to take on that burden (and yes it is a burden at times but that’s life and love) - but to expect perfection from partners, for them never to make a cock up, for them to not balance everybody’s feelings in a tough situation, is a totally and completely unreasonable expectation.

No bugger ever trains the partners of people experiencing MH issues in how to do everything right. We start by winging it, we learn, learn some more but are always largely winging it and hoping for the best. And our own MH issues that arise from the support takes a firm second place - so we also have that to contend with in the background.

I love my DH and what I get out our marriage trumps the downsides, and then some. But if he was still causing rows about an insignificant so-called blip I made 5 years ago when I was trying to support him at his lowest, going through absolute hell myself, navigating having to be respectful of everyone’s wishes and keeping it all quiet from people as my own MH deteriorated (as I’m sure your OHs did even if he didn’t say it at the time) - he’d be getting told to go fuck himself and get over it.

Im happy to be in this with him and support his MH ups and downs, but I sure as hell ain’t being guilt tripped for not being perfect at all times.

In the kindest way - have you ever considered that your husband maybe contributing to your MH problems? His behaviour by not prioritising your feelings shows an immense amount of inconsideration, especially when you had just come out of hospital. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does lots of other similar things to prioritise others over you. You are not being unreasonable expecting him to make your feelings his number 1 priority.

What is the actual reason why you didn't want the album has your dh had an affair?

It's a strange thing to dwell on for years. Maybe he raised it and she was already halfway through and he didn't want her to have wasted her time, it didn't stop you doing your own exactly as you wanted. Given you were hospitalised at the time he probably thought it unnecessary to cause a fuss with his sister over something that would have such little impact. It's not like she named your first born or tattooed his forehead, her book starts in the cupboard, you do yours.
He hasn't chosen her over you, because there's not a significant reason for you to be upset about this.

I'd be so annoyed about this. You clearly needed him on side and he didn't care. I'm amazed you haven't left him

It's not a competition over who he doesn't want to upset the most!
Just because he chose not to upset her as she chose what she believed was a thoughtful gift doesn't mean he feels any less about you. Maybe you could challenge yourself to perceive it from a different perspective.