SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

[thereutrnofthegift]

OK yes this is very petty but it annoys me.

5 years ago I was admitted to a MH hospital, we were not allowed phones/ internet. Just allowed a visit once a week.

During that time DH told me SIL was running the family Christmas secret Santa. Not everyone knew I was in hospital so I guessed she would make sure she got me. So I asked DH, to say I didn't mind what she got but I did not want her to do our wedding album. She has done them for friends before and it's the sort of thing she'd do. I told him I was really looking forward to being at home after Christmas and getting to do the album myself. He said he would.

I got released from hospital about a week before Christmas. Sitting in his parents living room Christmas day I opened my SS present, (it's a set up where everyone watches you open your gift), of course it was a wedding album. I think I put on a decent show of being happy but honestly I wish I had just left because I wouldn't have to think about it every again!

I asked DH when we got home what had happened. He said SIL asked for the photos and he knew she had put in a lot of effort, and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it. I put it at the back of a high shelf in a spare room. It causes tension any time it is brought up.

SIL has asked to borrow the book which has brought it up again.

I'm not sure what my AIBU is, I suppose that it still upsets me. That he choose to hurt me. When really I don't think SIL would have been too hurt at all.

Some people on this site are really stupid. The OP's husband said he knew someone was going to be hurt, so he decided to hurt his wife. He chose to that at a time when his wife was vulnerable so as not to maybe upset his sister but the OP is being ridiculous?

Sorry that happened to you OP. If that happened to me, I don't think I could move past it either, good mental health or not.

the op was seriously Ill and emotionally vulnerable and needed to come absolutely first at the time. She gave her dh specific instructions about one issue

her dh was ashamed she was Ill and specifically chose his sister feelings over his wife on the specific issue.

op has a history of abuse, and the one person she trusted when most vulnerable chose not to support her. He seriously fucked up.

the book is a trigger but ultimately I think you need to take dh to counselling with you so he understands that what he did, how he behaved exacerbated feelings for you op. You are worth loving op, this isn’t your fault

Unless this happened at least a decade ago I’d assume those photos were digital copies and not printed so nothing to stop them being used again,

Thank you all for taking time to give advise. I have re-read all responses.

I spoke to DH again about this, he gets defensive and dismissive about it so I dropped it. He doesn't like talking about anything uncomfortable

But I do feel better today, it is just a book. But it brings up such awful feelings. Surprising how much a book can make you feel!

When we got married, I said the most important thing was a professional photographer as I have severe skin issues and wanted to look good no matter how bad my skin was.

Due to covid, I was persuaded to let extended family of my DH do it. They made an album as a wedding gift. They meant well but it was tacky, had all the worst shots and my family's names were spelt wrong. I cried every time I looked at it (after having pretended in front of them it was fine).

After visiting someone who had their wedding album out after many years and it still looked great - I cried again and insisted in spending £150 to make my own album using all the photos I liked. We've not told his family but the awful one is in the attic and the new one is on a shelf. I felt so much lighter for doing it - best £150 I've spent. Do it!

This. Is the album also the photos of the wedding the dh was in? So the sil was making an album of her brother's wedding? Or is this a typical mn thing where only the brides opinion matters? Yes absolutely nothing wrong in saying 'not for my gift' but you can't stop her making something for her brother about his wedding too.

Did you miss the bit where it was the SILS Xmas present to OP, and she had specifically asked for her not to do it?

You're right it's just a book but it's not really about the book anyway is it! It's the fact that he chose to hurt your feelings rather than his sister's, and at a time when you were mentally unwell.

I don't blame you for dropping it because he's always going to be defensive and dismissive about it.

I'm glad to hear you feel better about it today. Perhaps you could consider what you might do to prevent the book from bringing those awful feelings of being hurt back. Would destroying it help? Making another one yourself? Do whatever you need to do.

Op did your husband maybe not understand how significant this was to you. It’s been five years and yours still crying over it and wishing to discuss it with him and others. At its core it was a nice thing to do, and I’m confident no one wanted to hurt you. I’m also confident that if your husband knew how deeply this would hurt you , that five years later it would still be an issue , he would have told her no. Is it possible he misjudged?

also to your point, he doesn’t like to talk about uncomfortable things, in this. Situation has it not already been talked about, a lot, over the years? Is it maybe understandable he is now defensive? That he can’t keep going over it?

I doubt anyone was being malicious here, it was an error of judgement on your husbands part, and your sil tried ro do a nice thing. Do you think maybe there is a way for you to accept that?

You're right it's just a book but it's not really about the book anyway is it! It's the fact that he chose to hurt your feelings rather than his sister's, and at a time when you were mentally unwell.

wow, talk about turning the knife.

That's not turning the knife. It's doing what most of the oblivious idiots on here have not done, and recognising the OP's distress, and her perfectly valid reason for it. Can we please stop gaslighting the OP. This is what it is about, not the bloody photos.

This is very sad. You seem to have real beef with your husband - I wonder how he might tell this story. I suspect somewhat differently. He clearly said something clumsy in a heated conversation which you have chosen to hold onto for years, but it appears there's an absence of empathy from you towards him and your sister-in-law. You acknowledge her creating the album was a thoughtful act (after a raft of posters tell you so) but you still say of her kind act, dismissively: 'She wants to show a friend how they can be done or something.' And then furious you shove her album in the back of the cupboard. The language you use about your husband is negative and one-sided. It's very sad. Furthermore you say your husband was ashamed that you were in hospital (which was why he didn't tell certain people you were there.) Might it be that he wanted the mental health of his new wife to be a private matter and not gossiped about in his family (I suspect my son would close ranks around his wife not because he was ashamed but because he wanted to protect her.) Could it be that your husband was trying to protect you from questions and any awkwardness? You paint a picture of being wronged but I can't help thinking that there's more to your telling of this story than meets the eye. In the words of our late Queen I wonder if 'recollections may vary.'

You don't think that maybe a wedding album was the least of his worries at that point?

Bizarre that an adult can act like this over a few photos. Make one.Quite frankly your marriage won't last if something so simple and not even from bad intentions bugs you and still bugs you all this time later

This is a brilliant post, thank you ❤️