SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

[thereutrnofthegift]

OK yes this is very petty but it annoys me.

5 years ago I was admitted to a MH hospital, we were not allowed phones/ internet. Just allowed a visit once a week.

During that time DH told me SIL was running the family Christmas secret Santa. Not everyone knew I was in hospital so I guessed she would make sure she got me. So I asked DH, to say I didn't mind what she got but I did not want her to do our wedding album. She has done them for friends before and it's the sort of thing she'd do. I told him I was really looking forward to being at home after Christmas and getting to do the album myself. He said he would.

I got released from hospital about a week before Christmas. Sitting in his parents living room Christmas day I opened my SS present, (it's a set up where everyone watches you open your gift), of course it was a wedding album. I think I put on a decent show of being happy but honestly I wish I had just left because I wouldn't have to think about it every again!

I asked DH when we got home what had happened. He said SIL asked for the photos and he knew she had put in a lot of effort, and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it. I put it at the back of a high shelf in a spare room. It causes tension any time it is brought up.

SIL has asked to borrow the book which has brought it up again.

I'm not sure what my AIBU is, I suppose that it still upsets me. That he choose to hurt me. When really I don't think SIL would have been too hurt at all.

Jesus Christ, over reaction much?

Fucking hell the poor guy made a small mistake years ago at a horrific time in his life - never mind he supported OP through hospitalisation, kept it all a secret at her request etc, he deserves to be left because of a tiny error 5 years ago.

For reasons I can’t quite articulate I’d find it overstepping if someone wanted to “do” a wedding album for me (maybe because how you think you look in photos and the parts of the day you want to remember most are both very personal - it would be someone else deciding how many formal photos, how many pics of the evening do etc).

That said SIL didn’t know how you felt about it and offered out of kindly motives. You really have a DH problem that he couldn’t even say “that’s really sweet and I know you are very good at this but OP has been looking forward to doing it herself.”

Since it still bugs you I’d treat yourself to copies of all the photos and your own album and do it how you want. I speak from a similar (ish) experience when someone asked what I wanted for Christmas, asked for and was given a specific link and then bought their preferred version of the same item, which was more expensive and not what I wanted. It bugged me every time I looked at it until I replaced it. Such a waste of money and frustrating in many ways but life’s too short to spend your whole life not looking at your own wedding album (and I think after 5 years you aren’t just going to get over it as PP have suggested).

I thought I had. I probably shouldn't even type this because I know how stupid I sound. But I am floods of tears remembering how it made me feel. That was a truly terrible time in my life. It's a book, only a book.

I can re do my own. It was a thoughtful gift from SIL. It's not the book, it's that DH said he had to hurt someone.

But it made me feel so incredibly unimportant, so worthless, un heard, irrelevant, insignificant. That SILs feelings would come before mine after I had made it very clear to DH.

I have worked so hard with continual work to get better there is no magic pill. But thinking about this has brought it all right back to the surface.

I do get where you're coming from.

Has there been lots of things like this or is this the only thing?

He sounds like a people pleaser and as a pp said, they end up pleasing no one.

You're being very silly. Make your own if it matters that much to you.

I think continuing on the point about being a partner supporting an OH with MH issues - by the very nature of what they suffer from, people with severe depression are (through no fault of their own) often self centered, can’t see how things affect other people and have tunnel vision when it comes to their illness. I learned long ago to tell DH when he gets like this, and how unfair it is on everyone else. Tiptoeing around the problems is mostly futile and I do think people with severe MH issues, as much as they suffer, need to realise this and how it affects their loved ones

Her making one doesn’t mean you can’t, so I can see where he was coming from.

You only said to him that you wanted to make your own and that you didn’t want her to make one. But common sense dictates you can make one even if she does.

So he probably saw it as a win win, don’t upset SIL and you can still make your own.

It was also probably a very tough time for him as well as you, I think your existing MH issues are probably blowing this way out of proportion. P

He did support me and I am very grateful for that. But I didn't ask him to keep it a secret. All my family knew. It was just some of his didn't. He is very ashamed (even though he wouldn't say it) that I went.

But it made me feel so incredibly unimportant, so worthless, un heard, irrelevant, insignificant.

FGS woman get some perspective!! Look what your OH supported you through! He turned up every week, at your request hid from loved ones the truth about what was happening and you’ve decided the above based on a book.

Instead of still brooding about this five years later get yourself into therapy to work on the deeper issue which is that you snd your dh don’t understand each other. He doesn’t see “what the fuss is about” and you feel betrayed and abandoned by him and his decision to prioritize your SIL’s feelings over yours.

Its both sad and frightening that the two of you have such different takes on what must have been a tremendously difficult time: you were hospitalized, you were keeping it secret, you were a new bride, you wanted to memorialize your wedding yourself. He allowed his sister to take your place/take over your bride’s task, against your wishes, and more or less said that her feelings were more important than yours thus reminding you that you had been hospitalized and weren’t there to fight your corner perhaps the whole thing made you feel vulnerable as “out of sight out of mind.”

If in your heart you feel he was disloyal snd is unreliable you need to act. Bit if you can see he may just have made a poor decision then you need to work to let it go.

I would have been pissed off, but I would have let it go by now.

I have worked so hard with continual work to get better there is no magic pill. But thinking about this has brought it all right back to the surface.

I think you have this the wrong way around, tbh. It is not the case that a minor irritant from five years ago has caused your mental health issues to recur. It is a recurrence of the mental health issues which is causing you to fixate on minor events. The thing to address is the underlying mood issues, not some old nonsense with a wedding album.

With respect you’re assuming he’s ashamed - he’s never said that. You seem to be projecting how you feel about it on to him.
Again as someone whose been in a similar situation to him, loving partners never feel shame, only worry and concern.

I think you have this the wrong way around, tbh. It is not the case that a minor irritant from five years ago has caused your mental health issues to recur. It is a recurrence of the mental health issues which is causing you to fixate on minor events. The thing to address is the underlying mood issues, not some old nonsense with a wedding album

This is absolutely spot on.

OP what does your care plan look like now? Are you seeing someone to help you?

I don't think other people can tell you how you should be feeling about this.

You felt hurt that your husband chose to put your SIL's feelings above yours, at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable and you haven't been able to get over it.

It's not petty at all because it's caused a deep wound that won't heal. Are there things your husband does that trigger these feelings from the past event?

@TheYearOfSmallThings I didn't start re-feeling this things then decide to fixate on the book. The book was brought up and along came the feelings.

@YaMuvva He was so worried anyone would find out. He's kept saying he is sure everyone knows. I told him that was unlikely. That if I'd have gone because of a different reason he would think the same thing (that the neighbours knew).

No care plan right now. I had been seeing a psychiatric nurse but she retired and no one has taken over.

@DelurkingLawyer she did put in quite a few I wouldn't have, and it is very heavily weighted on their family side.

Why are you dismissing her feelings? Her feelings are valid.

OP - why have these feelings resurfaced again? Has something else happened recently to make you feel a similar way? It might be time to explore, with a decent therapist, why you are feeling like this again.

see the above post about how her MH issues are likely blowing small things out of proportion, not the other way around

To put it bluntly - yes her feelings are valid but it’s a massive over reaction and it’s not her DH’s problem that she hasn’t got over it. He can’t turn back time, he has been supportive then and since and this is a mountain out of a molehill.

OP I imagine he didn’t want you or him to be subjected to horrible comments from people who didn’t understand at a tough time. There are family members who don’t know about my DH’s problem because they’re idiots who would only tell him to cheer up, and they’re don’t deserve to come into our world like that.

OP if I were you I would prioritise seeing someone and being able to speak to someone as it sounds like you are beginning to spiral and may not realise it

It sounds like she’d already done it and he chose not to upset her because she’d put a lot of effort in.

That’s different to not upsetting her because she wanted to do it, but hasn’t yet.

In his shoes I’d have not said anything to her but warned you in advance and agreed to just put it in the back of a cupboard.

Really it was just the book that made me remember how awful I felt at the time.

Those feelings are inside of me. Both parents abandoned me, to a degree, F fully M partially when I was 6 weeks old. Then I moved from relatives back to 'mum' and back so the feelings of worthlessness and not being at all important are just a part of who I am. There was physical, sexual (mild not awful) and a lot of emotional abuse. But if you met me in the street you would think I was a happy, positive, confident person. And I do think that, that is the more important part of who I am.

DH just made me feel like I was very unimportant again. He is a good husband, he just probably did try to please everyone. He isn't very good at talking about feelings or anything uncomfortable, but is a very 'solid' guy who you know ultimately you can rely on. He is a good father and we have a good life. I can't change how it makes me feel though.

I am going to go eat some cheese and cry for a bit before DC wakes up from napping. I don't think I am unwanted by them and I work very hard to make sure I an not repeating any of my childhood.

Honestly, I'd bin the blasted thing. Then you won't have to see it even accidentally. Make your own one in your own time.
(i reckon the PP who said she was already doing it when your DH broached the subject with you was spot on. So he couldn't then ask her to refrain.)

@Georgesbar24 I think if he had said ' I know you asked for SIL not to do the book, but she has' before Christmas day, before it would have helped enormously.

I actually am not sure if/ how much she had done. He doesn't really answer when I ask. Just get pissed off (which is actually very unlike him)

To put it bluntly - yes her feelings are valid but it’s a massive over reaction and it’s not her DH’s problem that she hasn’t got over it. He can’t turn back time, he has been supportive then and since and this is a mountain out of a molehill.
YOU are also dismissing them in a big way. He created the problem by telling her he was deliberately choosing to hurt her - who the hell says that? Most of us would apologise profusely instead.

And how do you know how supportive he's been since then? You don't.

It sounds as if you are projecting how little control you felt at that point in your life onto this issue.

The two levels of "hurt" are not equivalent. Telling someone that the time and effort they put into a gift is unwanted is a lot worse than someone getting a gift that isn't what they wanted. The only real consequence to you is that you didn't get some chocolates/candle whatever else she might have bought. However, you did get a sign she cared and even arranged the SS around you.

You are clearly loved and cared about, time to move on.

I'm sure he thought you would be pleased with it when you saw it and it would cheer you up. She had made up her mind to do it, had done it for other people and thought she would do a good job and no doubt thought you would be thrilled. If she had already put a lot of work into it I can also see why it wouldn't have been easy for him to say no.

No one on here heard the actual conversation of you not wanting her to do it, but he may not have taken in the full extent of your positive hatred of her doing it and your very strong desire to do it yourself. Had he realised you would still be upset years later I'm sure he would have stopped it.