SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

[thereutrnofthegift]

OK yes this is very petty but it annoys me.

5 years ago I was admitted to a MH hospital, we were not allowed phones/ internet. Just allowed a visit once a week.

During that time DH told me SIL was running the family Christmas secret Santa. Not everyone knew I was in hospital so I guessed she would make sure she got me. So I asked DH, to say I didn't mind what she got but I did not want her to do our wedding album. She has done them for friends before and it's the sort of thing she'd do. I told him I was really looking forward to being at home after Christmas and getting to do the album myself. He said he would.

I got released from hospital about a week before Christmas. Sitting in his parents living room Christmas day I opened my SS present, (it's a set up where everyone watches you open your gift), of course it was a wedding album. I think I put on a decent show of being happy but honestly I wish I had just left because I wouldn't have to think about it every again!

I asked DH when we got home what had happened. He said SIL asked for the photos and he knew she had put in a lot of effort, and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it. I put it at the back of a high shelf in a spare room. It causes tension any time it is brought up.

SIL has asked to borrow the book which has brought it up again.

I'm not sure what my AIBU is, I suppose that it still upsets me. That he choose to hurt me. When really I don't think SIL would have been too hurt at all.

Seems like a lot of PPs (who are having a go at you for overreacting and telling you to get over it) have no understanding how trauma lives in the body and can hijack someone’s whole nervous system, thoughts and feelings. This is obviously not about the book, nor the SILs kindness.

At the OP’s most vulnerable moment, a thought of something she could look forward to, to give a little solace in the darkness, was treated as insignificant by her husband. As Yamuvva says, he was also stuck in an extremely challenging situation and made the call to spare his sister’s feelings.

The way through this that leads to healing for both parties and a healthier marriage is for mutual compassionate, empathic listening. For each to fully validate the other’s experience and to continually address triggers that come up in the relationship that bring these old wounds to the surface, which they will again and again regardless of good intentions. These wounds are huge OP!! My heart goes out to you for such a painful childhood. I just wish I could gather your child self up and give her the biggest hug and tell her what a special gift she is to the world and that she deserves so much better. She deserves so much love 💗💗💗

I think the most problematic thing is that your DH does not want to talk about feelings, therefore requiring you to bury them as much as possible and wondering/guessing what is really going on for him. If that’s not going to change it will be very difficult for you to mutually support each other and for you to heal. Would you consider getting into therapy, both for yourself individually and as a couple?

I have found understanding and working with the ‘Internal Family Systems’ approach incredibly helpful 🙏
https://ifs-institute.com/

I’m so sorry OP, for how much you must be hurting inside. Wishing you healing and freedom xx

Erm, her husband stole her photos she'd been planning to use for it?

Just bin the book then you never have to think about it again. Why hold onto something that makes you so unhappy.

Spend the time making yourself the album that you want and then get on with your life.

@ChattingwiththeTrees is spot on! I think an internal family systems approach would be great for OP. At sny rate it is completely wrong to invalidate her feelings especially when she has disclosed early abandonment and trauma experiences in which invalidation played a large part.

The album is just a trigger. There’s an association between the book and the intense feelings you had during a very difficult time. It’s easy to sometimes feel that a minor issue is much more important than it actually is, because it’s triggering you. It’s important to separate the two, and work on your feelings and memories around the time of your hospitalisation, preferably with a therapist.

Im sure your DP wouldn’t have realised you’d take it to heart so much. In his mind he probably thought that he could let his sister make the album (keeping her happy) and then you could take those pictures and make your own album (keeping you happy).

Tell your SIL, her Dear Brother burnt it 😂

In all seriousness though, I get it. He didn't even give your feelings a second thought, even though you'd specified that was not what you would want. That was completely thoughtless of him.

You were at an incredibly vulnerable and fragile time in your life, and you needed him to support you. By giving his sister the photos, this was against your wishes, so unsupportive.

It's irrelevant that you can do your own album, that's not the point here.

I completely understand why the album would be triggering, and has caused arguments.

You're going to have to tear that album up and re do your own.

SiL was trying to be kind and DH should have told her no.

As things stand it's a trigger and needs to be got rid of. SiL doesn't have to know. If she does, thfn DH can explain

Or msybe OP can state that as lovely as it was znd however kind a gesture it was, DH should have told her that you wanted something else.

It sounds as if your DH really thought it wouldn't matter who did the wedding album. Maybe even that it would be helpful for you to have it done and you could always do your own if you wanted. I don't think he thought he was putting your SiL's feelings ahead of yours and he still hasn't taken on board that is HOW YOU FEEL. Does he have an "Of course you know I love you" attitude in general? I am sorry you are still struggling with these feelings from what was obviously a very difficult time for you both.

Oh dear. From where I am, it seems like you’ve had a massively disproportionate reaction to this. His intention wasn’t to hurt you. Are you jealous of your SIL? I can’t understand it. I’m sorry you’re sad but it comes across as very immature. You’re going to have worse things than this to deal with in life. Give him a break before he leaves you and that bloody album is all you have left of him! Sorry but you need to get a grip (in the nicest way).

I don't think it's about the album. I think it's that, at the most vulnerable moment in your life, your husband chose to prioritise his sister's feelings over yours. I can see that being upsetting.

Honestly this. So she was already doing it and given what was going on with you, he didn't want to now go and upset her because she already started it. Then you come out and make a deal of something given what was happening? You could make your own, bigger, better and not even display hers.

Just redo it yourself so you can move on, and unless you are reusing the same photos, you don’t even need to tell her you redid it. If she asks for it just say you don’t feel comfortable as your wedding photos are personal.

Telling someone who has suffered serious MH issues, enough to be hospitalised to "get a grip", is appalling.

The album is a trigger for her, back to that time when she was in hospital for her MH. Stop being so dismissive of her feelings and obvious trigger.

I would just forget it and get on with life. Too much drama. 🙄

I think its more that OP was in a hospital recieving help with mental health & planned her wedding album as something she could look forward to doing hence asking her husband to wait for her.

The SIL should have been told when she requested the photos that it was already being organised & to please pick/organise another gift if she wanted to arrange secret Santa

The sister in law probably thought she was "helping" OP feel better by focusing on something good when in reality it had already been discussed & agreed (by the bride & groom in the pictures) that they would wait.

OP's husband was bang out of line to dismiss the agreement & opt to help SIL with the gift by handing over the photos as his wife was in hospital anyway so couldnt complain or demand differently & I would 100% feel differently about my husband & his family if id been in the same position even though it was purely the husbands fault

Honestly, some of the responses on here! We're awash with messages that people struggling with their mental health should talk to people, I can see why they don't!

It's not about the album, or the kindness of the SiL, it's how, at a vulnerable time, OP's husband, in his words, had to choose someone's feelings to hurt and chose hers! The mention of the album is just the trigger that has dredged all those feelings up again. I can understand why you are upset, OP, and hope you can work through it. There are nuggets of good advice here amongst the "just get over it"s.

Op,is there any relationship between why you were hospitalised and what you’re feeling now , crying about the book, in terms of your mental health? Is something else going on? I wonder if your current state is maybe a symptom of something bigger going on?

The thing is, the book was made, nothing can change that, and there's nothing to indicate that it came from a place of anything other than kindness from sil or indeed from dh.

OP can't help how she feels now, but she can control whether she chooses to let it stay a deal between her and her husband, or whether she chooses to move on from it.

'Get a grip' doesn't sound as if it was meant unkindly to me. Maybe giving it back to the sister in law as she's asked for it, might be a way of letting it go? Could just stick it in the loft when she returns it.

Maybe choosing a couple of nice pics with husband and getting them framed together is a way to take back a bit of control, a bit of a 'grip' on it all, as it were?

Op didn't say it was her fault. She's mad at him.

Worse things like what the OP posted about her being abandoned as a baby by her parents, surviving physical, emotional and sexual abuse as she grew up, those sort of worse things? You're right, you can't understand it.

I think it was possibly the 'dishes by the sink' moment for the OP.

@thereutrnofthegift my exh did the same sort of shit, prioritised everyone's feelings over mine, never made me feel relevant or important to him. It was awful and I really feel for you

YANBU.

I feel really angry on your behalf .

You asked him to do advocate for you when you were at your most vulnerable in a MH hospital. You wanted to have a bit of control over something which is very personal to you .

He let you down ... he could not be your voice and protect something for you to do .

He is a weak man who is willing to push you under the bus in order to put other peoples feelings ahead of yours.

Personally I would bring this up with him . Tell him every time you see that book it serves as a reminder of him not advocating for you when you were most vulnerable.

I would then personally dispose of the book ... and make your own as a way of repairing the rupture .

And yes I would burn it !

So SIL has done one, but you now won't/haven't done your own. You are ridiculous. Either do your own or stop moaning.

He didn't prioritise your feelings and that's letting you down. In order to move on when we feel let down we often need an acknowledgement and some kind of apology of what has been broken. Ultimately you trusted him to say no to her and he didn't. Sometimes feelings left unresolved get re-triggered and we suddenly feel betrayed or let down again when the situation was in the past. If he isn't still letting you down, I'd look to forgive him.