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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my relationship for the sake of my daughter?

114 replies

Samcro7 · 06/04/2024 12:25

Backround -
Myself and my partner were childhood friends, Lost contact and then started a relationship almost 2 years ago.
I have one child from a previous relationship - Age 4.

We now live together but things are very hit or miss. We disagree on aspects of parenting and I believe that he is very harsh on my child, which I call him out for, he see's this as a lack of respect for him. I see it as protection for my child. He does love my child, they have a great relationship and he provides for us both.

I don't think he was ready to give up his 'Single' lifestyle, He constantly tells me that he's working himself to exhaustion to give us a nice life and provide for us. I also work almost full time but am still expected to be a house wife. I can't find any kind of balance.
He says that I take him for granted and don't appreciate what he's given up for us. He also states that he feels like I make him out to be the worst person in the world but can't tell me how I do this.

I'm at my wits end. I want a happy home for me and my child, I want to make it work but I just don't know how.
He clams up for gets very angry at the first sign of trouble and I don't want to live like this anymore.

I suggested that he takes some breathing space and gets away for a few days so he can really think about what he wants, Honestly I think I need it too. But he won't, he says he doesn't need this and would assume that I want a relationship break. This is not the case but I think we both need to calm down and re group

I love this man, he's my best friend and my safe place but I can't live like this anymore and I want to do what's best for my child.

OP posts:

Nicole1111 · 06/04/2024 19:06

This image helps to understand abuse. Does any of it feel relevant to your relationship?

To end my relationship for the sake of my daughter?

samqueens · 06/04/2024 19:26

Samcro7 · 06/04/2024 12:30

I'm honestly scared to go back to being on my own again. I think in Childhood he was my safe place and it's carried on. We were best friends all our lives and I had a very unhappy childhood, he was my only source of happiness. But his temper and the way he obviously views me and my child baffles me. I have offered to pay more for things etc but he always says he wants to be the provider and pay and be responsible for everything.

Listen to @Kingoftheroad and others.

Your bafflement will be explained to you, in a truly compassionate way, if you read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (don’t tell him about it, download on kindle/Apple Books apps).

Please don’t get stuck with this man and allow your child to learn how not to do relationships from the pair of you. Don’t suggest he gets away so he can decide what he wants - take control of what you want (clue: it’s not this).

You cannot control him only what you do. So if you need space tell him that and take it. If it’s time to end things do that. But be warned he is 🚩🚩s so he is unlikely to make it easy for you. At least he can’t use your child against you, as he has no right to be in your child’s life. Don’t get pregnant FGS.

maddening · 06/04/2024 19:29

It is a red flag that someone who makes you unhappy feels like your safe place - the creation of an emotional dependency on someone that makes you unhappy is not healthy.

KomodoOhno · 06/04/2024 19:36

thebestinterest · 06/04/2024 17:04

🤢 seriously? You need to work on your self esteem AND self control, OP. That’s ridiculous

Show quote history

OP think. Her first 4 years your choices have hurt you you freely admit. Stop. Put her first. It may sound unkind but you having a safe place with this man does not matter. When you have a child your wants and needs of unhealthy things need to go.Your child matters. SHE needs a safe place. You hard a hard childhood but you are an adult now. Stop giving you child a hard childhood.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/04/2024 19:45

He is your safe place? Really? Have a good think about that one.

He's not your daughter's safe place is he?

MumblesParty · 06/04/2024 20:52

Your poor daughter. These kind of threads make me so sad. Is any man really worth making your child unhappy for? I hope he leaves OP, now that you’ve asked him to.

Redruby2020 · 06/04/2024 22:04

UrbanFan · 06/04/2024 16:30

Why oh why would you stay with this man. I never understand why women put men before themselves and especially why they put a man before their children. For goodness sake put your child first and end this relationship. You are an adult and you have a responsibility to care for another little human being. You do not love this man at all or you would not have written here to complain about it.

You know there are a good few of the older generation, who were taught that your husband comes first, and that you only leave if really bad things happen, some like my DM had Tod herself she would leave if her husband ever hit her or her kids lol, sorry I should not laugh but I have to because I was part of that saga.
And that meant anything else on the list was ok.

TealPoet · 06/04/2024 23:13

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be very difficult after an abusive childhood and marriage. But he is trying to control and manipulate you, and you aren’t safe at all. End it before it gets even more entrenched - being alone is tough of course if you don’t want to be but it’s far better for you and your DD than this!

MrsCatE · 07/04/2024 04:57

Well done you to tell him 'to the left'! Instincts are embedded to protect you and yours. Major red flags re didn't want to discuss finances, inferred HUGE pressure re him taking on 'burden' of your daughter without considering how you managed before! Well rid - off to his next rescue / Knight in shining armour - only in his eyes!!

Springchickenonion · 07/04/2024 05:02

More women need to put their kids welfare above men's feelings. Too many wandering and not enough doing.
Speaking as someone who's mother always had to have a man In her life. After I had 3 'fathers' I left home at 18. Stopped speaking at 25 and only recently got back into contact.

If you know its a bad environment, change it. You will have a better relationship with your child and their respect.

Also you talk about your safe space. Your daughter needs a safe space top @Samcro7

Pickled21 · 07/04/2024 05:13

Right now you need to forget about what a romantic relationship should look like and focus on what a healthy mum/daughter relationship should be. Focus on what you have already and strengthening that bond, being a healthy role model for her. I'd also take some time to work on your self esteem and have counselling. I would ask him to move out and focus all your energies on providing for yourself and your dd. You are looking for love in the wrong place and quite frankly noone can make up or ease the traumas you have faced. You need to work on your own healing first and then build yourself up to a point where you know what healthy boundaries are. Your child is 4 and deserves better than the current situation.

ladymuckofthemanor · 07/04/2024 05:14

End it - I was the child in a relationship like this. My mother moved a man in who hated me. I was 3. He moved out when I was 16 when the relationship ended.

How could she think so little of me, a literal toddler / child when she knew this man couldn't stand the sight of me, have him live with us.

He was horrid. Never spoke to me. Excluded me from anything and everything. They had children together, and would go away as a family leaving me behind to stay with grandparents.

I am NC with my mother now.

MurielThrockmorton · 07/04/2024 06:30

Another one saying get away. I had a crap childhood and ended up being an unstable relationship with DD's dad, I moved out when she was 2 though the relationship limped on for a bit, but in the end I chose her as he was horrible to her at times. I never thought I'd have kids because I had such a bad upbringing I thought I'd be a terrible parent, but actually I think my experiences have made me a better parent, and I have an amazing relationship with DD, and even though things have been difficult we have never really argued or fallen out though the teenage years. She's 21 now and says she's pleased that I left him and think her life is much better than it would've been if we'd stayed. Our house has always been calm and we've had so much fun together. Of course my ideal would've been to be in a loving relationship with DD's father but that wasn't available to me, so given that I'm really happy with the life that we have created. Just want to give you some positive reinforcement that you can leave and have a good life for you and your DD.

isthismylifenow · 07/04/2024 07:35

Your child is 4, and you are now living with a new partner of 2 years.

When did you process the breakdown of the relationship with your ex? You need to not be in a relationship to do this..

Think about what your 4 year old thinks is normal. And make it right for her please. Otherwise this is going to be a vicious circle of what your girl child thinking anger, shouting, manipulation is par for the course.

She needs you to teach her it's not. Please do that. For her and for you.

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