To end my relationship for the sake of my daughter?

[Samcro7]

Backround -
Myself and my partner were childhood friends, Lost contact and then started a relationship almost 2 years ago.
I have one child from a previous relationship - Age 4.

We now live together but things are very hit or miss. We disagree on aspects of parenting and I believe that he is very harsh on my child, which I call him out for, he see's this as a lack of respect for him. I see it as protection for my child. He does love my child, they have a great relationship and he provides for us both.

I don't think he was ready to give up his 'Single' lifestyle, He constantly tells me that he's working himself to exhaustion to give us a nice life and provide for us. I also work almost full time but am still expected to be a house wife. I can't find any kind of balance.
He says that I take him for granted and don't appreciate what he's given up for us. He also states that he feels like I make him out to be the worst person in the world but can't tell me how I do this.

I'm at my wits end. I want a happy home for me and my child, I want to make it work but I just don't know how.
He clams up for gets very angry at the first sign of trouble and I don't want to live like this anymore.

I suggested that he takes some breathing space and gets away for a few days so he can really think about what he wants, Honestly I think I need it too. But he won't, he says he doesn't need this and would assume that I want a relationship break. This is not the case but I think we both need to calm down and re group

I love this man, he's my best friend and my safe place but I can't live like this anymore and I want to do what's best for my child.

You are.
So what are you going to do ?

I've asked him to leave. That's all I've done just now. But we can't carry on like this.

All this drama and you haven't even been together for 2 years.
He seems to resent you coz of money so maybe he needs to move out and if you want to see him away from your family life then you can but he doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for your child.

You should separate the 2 for now and see if you want him without all the drama.

OP, I think deep down you already know your decision and just need the confidence to listen to your inner voice. You say your child and him have a great relationship but he's very harsh on them. You say he provides for you both but you work nearly full time and are expected to be a housewife. You say he's your safe place but he gets really angry and you don't want to live like this anymore. You also just want a happy home. I honestly think deep down, ignoring all the fear about being single (and I'm not trying to minimise your fear), you know what's best for you and your child.

This is the way it was, I have always provided for my daughter and that was okay for me. We were skint and there was no luxury but I made it work.
He gets angry if I even try and have a part in the finances but actually seems to resent doing so. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but the more I ponder it, I think it's all about control and making me feel like I can't live without him

Sounds like he wants to provide material things and in return you should be grateful, a housekeeper, and you and DD should toe the line.

Sounds domineering and Victorian.

Like PP I don’t understand how he can be your safe place if he’s like this.

He doesn’t WANT to fix the problem. He is controlling, manipulative, engulfing/giving, abusive, pushes his charity on you and makes you afraid that he will exhaust himself and threatens to abandon you all while refusing to give you space and accusing you of wanting to leave him.

He doesn’t have a problem with this behavior. You do but he doesn’t so he will NEVER engage in mutual problem solving.

He is abusing you and you have an unhealthy attachment to him. Get help and get out.

You are strong Samcro, you've survived on your own before with your daughter and you can do it again - regardless of how he makes you feel. Maybe it's worth speaking to women's aid as you've identified control issues as well as anger. Good luck

Glad you left him. He sounds controlling and a bully to your daughter.

I imagine it will take him some time to get out of your life as he won't want to have to train some other woman up to replace you as his possession. He'd rather wheedle his way back in with comments about how much you've hurt him and how could you do this when he's tried so hard and sacrificed so much yada yada.

Keep on with the dumping him whatever he says. He's not the nice guy he thinks he is.

How is he your safe place if he clams up and gets angry easily? And doesn’t sound like he respects you

why are your standards so low?

I had a horrendous childhood, and I only realized about 3 years ago the extent of the abuse that I suffered. I'm in therapy and have been for a while and I think I am getting stronger, but I have no idea what normal relationships look like. I know I don't want my daughter to end up like me though.

He's not your safe space he's getting angry, and also not nice to your daughter.
And if it's been like this since however far back, it will also not get any better.

I've always wondered how it would be if I had a long term partner that you can't expect them to be around and be involved but not have a say or put a foot wrong, but that it is a complicated situation and set up for quite a few I think.
Because whether a child has their real father around or not, and they become like a step father, how do you stop things from crossing the line.

I've seen and heard mothers behave in all sorts of ways to keep the man on board, don't be one of them!

Though that was more a thing in the past, and still has a nice element to it, to be provided for it, despite him saying he wants to be that person, then he shouldn't be acting in this way.
That to me with the other ways in which he behaves, sounds like he wants to be in control. Also leaving you vulnerable! Because then if you didn't work for example you would be reliant on him.

To be honest he may have been your childhood friend etc, but I feel it's like he's almost taken advantage of what he knows about you, and was nice through that time, and is now acting up because he knows he can.

@Samcro7

Have you managed to save since he is pushing the provider role? Will this help you leave?

That's really sad.
See I always see the hard side to things and what state the man has put the woman in, but then the woman shows clearly that she can make decisions and choices, because she is ultimately choosing the man over her child/ren.

And this is where when people have had SS involvement for example, I am totally behind them when they come down on the mothers for this.

I know of one woman who lost her 3 kids to the care system. Everything is the fathers fault apparently, but yet in recent times still after all those years since they went, he was even on her Facebook 😳🤦‍♀️ and commenting on her pics or posts and her replying back thanks etc.
So again, if it's the fathers fault why would you give him the time of day, disgusting 🫣

Your life would be 1000x easier without him in it. Stop wasting your time and energy on the relationship. Focus on your daughter. Be very very selective about who you date in future.

Only read the first paragraph.

Bin him.

No man who was ‘harsh’ with my 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed near her again. Beware of men who want to control all the finances, it’s a huge red flag for control and abuse. He knows you’re vulnerable because of your childhood and is taking advantage of that.

The thing is he was a friend back then, not a partner, now you are seeing more of the real him in a different light, and like I said in a previous reply of mine, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. And i think from what you suffered from your daughters father, you have not picked up or stopped it earlier with this guy.

Don't ever be scared to be alone. You have a daughter a job a home a life, you are not alone.

You need a gap and space for yourself to be man free and heal and learn so that anyone else you get involved with, you do not accept this rubbish from any of them.

And when you get rid of him, no do not remain as friends.

Well there are quite a few men like that.
I didn't think they all take responsibility for the woman's other kids to be honest, but i guess if living together then yes you would expect so.
I know if a situation where yes the guy was happy almost living with the woman but she said her child is not his responsibility.
Never seemed to do much together etc, he was just dossing in her flat don't forget.
Ok he works and does well for himself but that's besides the point.

But at the same time, always allowed her child to call him Dad, it's a bit weird.
But only because she said he could use her place to have contact with his kids, I can see that is why he has been happy to do a bit of DIY etc.
They've had to have their own child, and mostly including his from previous around to do stuff as a family together.

He shouldn't feel he's "given up" anything for you.. he should feel happy and privileged. Tell him if he doesn't, he knows where the door is.

My mum chose a man like this my siblings and I stayed out of the house as much as we could. We all left home at 18 and never went back. She is still with him. We respect her decision but spend as little time visiting as possible opting to take mum out for the day instead.

Think very careful about the example you are setting for your child. My siblings and I all went on to abusive relationships because that is what we learnt. To be subservient and ask for nothing on any level.

We are all now in our 50's and I would rather be single (and have been for six years now) than live with an abusing arsehole. I'm showing my children I am successful on my own and I'm very vocal about how we don't tolerate shitty behaviour from anyone. We all deserve to be loved. Cared for and treated with respect.

Well he sounds awful. Unkind and bad tempered.

Just end it, for your daughter's sake.

(& please quote people when you're posting)

'I believe he is very harsh on my child'
She's 4 years old.. Leave him!

So many red flags here. It sounds like he wants you trapped because of a lack of money. Bin him

He might have been your safe place in the past but he’s nobody’s safe place now. How reliable is your memory of the past? Was he your safe place because he was the only person who was available to you? I know from experience that abuse can skew perceptions and any hint of kindness is magnified because you’re starved of that kind of interaction.

You won’t regret prioritizing your dd the way that you should have been prioritized when you were a child.