To end my relationship for the sake of my daughter?

[Samcro7]

Backround -
Myself and my partner were childhood friends, Lost contact and then started a relationship almost 2 years ago.
I have one child from a previous relationship - Age 4.

We now live together but things are very hit or miss. We disagree on aspects of parenting and I believe that he is very harsh on my child, which I call him out for, he see's this as a lack of respect for him. I see it as protection for my child. He does love my child, they have a great relationship and he provides for us both.

I don't think he was ready to give up his 'Single' lifestyle, He constantly tells me that he's working himself to exhaustion to give us a nice life and provide for us. I also work almost full time but am still expected to be a house wife. I can't find any kind of balance.
He says that I take him for granted and don't appreciate what he's given up for us. He also states that he feels like I make him out to be the worst person in the world but can't tell me how I do this.

I'm at my wits end. I want a happy home for me and my child, I want to make it work but I just don't know how.
He clams up for gets very angry at the first sign of trouble and I don't want to live like this anymore.

I suggested that he takes some breathing space and gets away for a few days so he can really think about what he wants, Honestly I think I need it too. But he won't, he says he doesn't need this and would assume that I want a relationship break. This is not the case but I think we both need to calm down and re group

I love this man, he's my best friend and my safe place but I can't live like this anymore and I want to do what's best for my child.

of course you need to end this relationship. He is exploiting your history and fears in order to control you and bully your child. If he was your safe space he would treat you and your your child with care and respect. He would be doing the polar opposite of what he is in fact doing.

you should be immensely relieved you don’t have a child with this man. That would be an absolute fucking nightmare and one you’ve already experienced with someone else so you should know the score here.

the only thing you should be thinking about is how quickly and safely you can get you and your daughter out of this situation. After that I would think spending some time on really learning how to move on from all your childhood and failed relationships to emerge stronger and happier is the next priority. Not another man. for your daughter’s sake and so her future doesn’t come to resemble yours.

I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s great that you’re seeing things differently now though, and it seems like you know deep down that something isn’t right here.

Gut feelings are often important in these scenarios.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you should end the relationship for your sake as well as your daughter’s.

A healthy, equal partnership should be a team, with shared values and views (on parenting for example, which seems to be important here). Someone definitely shouldn’t strike you as harsh with your child; they shouldn’t be petulantly demanding respect, or that you be grateful. They should be grateful for you and vice versa, but in a nice way, not an indebted way!

He sounds horrible and from your OP I wouldn't want him around my child. Don't ruin your time with her when she is little for some idiot when you could be bonding with her and giving her a happy start.

End it for your daughter AND you sis. Your her mum, he shouldn't even have a say in how she is parented. It should be what you say goes.

he's my best friend and my safe place

No he really isn't.

But you are, or should be, your daughter's safe place.

That means keeping this resentful, controlling man out of both of your lives.

It’s interesting that all posters see it one way, but OP-you don’t.

You said you are in therapy, to deal with past abuse. Therapy is hard, understanding what happened and coming to terms with it is really brave and difficult….. and perhaps doesn’t leave you the head space to be making decisions right now about your relationship.

Could you talk this through with your therapist so you have support to make whatever decision you need to right now?

What is the point of working full-time....if he won't let you pay for anything?

Surely you must know in your mind it's not working...and won't get any better.

Your first step was to come on here.

Your second step should be ...get rid of him.

Before it is to late....Just think about the example you are setting for your daughter.

It’s concerning that he’s your “safe place”. He really isn’t at all.

You need help translating. By "provider," he means "controller."

This is not good for your child. Him being your best friend and loving him does not matter. How can you say he is your safe place when he isn't your child safe place?

So stop hurting her! End your awful relationship and, before you get into another one, do a fuck-ton of therapy to find out how to stop choosing abusive men to bring into her life.

If he's your 'best friend' then raise your bar. It won't get better, only worse. Get rid. Now. For your child's sake and your own.

That poor little girl.

That's 24 months of your life you have wasted, get rid before it's 25 months. Your Daughter deserves so much better. Please leave a long long gap before she has another bloke in her life, she only has one childhood.

He does not love you and is using you for free lodgings, catering, housekeeping and sex.

You're suffering from nostalgia from a time when you were scared and vulnerable but certainly not safe. No point in picking over the past. It's gone. What you need is to seek out a better future snd it isn't with him.

Bin the bastard and you'll be a lot happier.

You said youve asked him to leave. Why hasn't he gone?

End it

Don't end it for your daughter. End it for yourself .

If someone’s awful to your child you need to run. Think of Arthur and Star, people can resent that the child isn’t theirs and cause serious damage.

This. 😔

Your child relies on you to provide her safe space.

But I'm still hurting her.

The worst thing here is............... you know what you are doing.

So do something about it.

This guy is raising a lot of red flags for me. If he's showing controlling aspects just 2 years into a relationship it's only ever going to get worse.

End it for your daughter's sake.

He might be your safe place but he's not your daughter's safe place. End it.

Does he support you financially? That doesn't seem right if you are also working full time. I wouldn't give up my independence if I were in your shoes. But nothing about your situation sounds positive. He thinks he can control the household because he views himself as the "provider" (yuck BTW), also seems to think he is exempt from housework for the same reason. And above all, your child could be damaged by living in a household with someone who treats her harshly.

It could be that your childhood experiences have caused you to seek out chaos and stress and dysfunction. It may feel safe and comfortable to you, because that is what you were raised to accept. But that doesn't mean he represents a safe place. Quite the opposite. I have no idea if this interpretation will ring true for you, but it is common for people to unconsciously repeat childhood patterns in their adult lives.

As a mother if you have to ask this question, you need to end the relationship

He's being harsh with your little 4 year old girl and you have to ask if you should end the relationship? Yes, of course you should. He sounds like he's controlling when it comes finances and you sounds nervous about his angry reaction to any discussion. This is a big red flag.

Finally, he feels the need to remind you of all that he has given up to be with you. What exactly does he think he's given up?

OP I think you know what you have to do here. Don't stay with him because you're afraid to be on your own. You will be ok, you need to concentrate on working through things in therapy including why you are choosing abusive controlling partners. I'm so sorry to hear about your awful childhood 💐 give yourself the time and freedom to heal.