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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my relationship for the sake of my daughter?

114 replies

Samcro7 · 06/04/2024 12:25

Backround -
Myself and my partner were childhood friends, Lost contact and then started a relationship almost 2 years ago.
I have one child from a previous relationship - Age 4.

We now live together but things are very hit or miss. We disagree on aspects of parenting and I believe that he is very harsh on my child, which I call him out for, he see's this as a lack of respect for him. I see it as protection for my child. He does love my child, they have a great relationship and he provides for us both.

I don't think he was ready to give up his 'Single' lifestyle, He constantly tells me that he's working himself to exhaustion to give us a nice life and provide for us. I also work almost full time but am still expected to be a house wife. I can't find any kind of balance.
He says that I take him for granted and don't appreciate what he's given up for us. He also states that he feels like I make him out to be the worst person in the world but can't tell me how I do this.

I'm at my wits end. I want a happy home for me and my child, I want to make it work but I just don't know how.
He clams up for gets very angry at the first sign of trouble and I don't want to live like this anymore.

I suggested that he takes some breathing space and gets away for a few days so he can really think about what he wants, Honestly I think I need it too. But he won't, he says he doesn't need this and would assume that I want a relationship break. This is not the case but I think we both need to calm down and re group

I love this man, he's my best friend and my safe place but I can't live like this anymore and I want to do what's best for my child.

OP posts:

Newnamesameoldlurker · 06/04/2024 15:45

You're getting a lot of tough love here OP - I fully agree with pp that this man needs to go, immediately. But don't be too harsh on yourself- it sounds like you have deep ties to him from childhood when he was a friend to you during a very difficult time. So it makes sense that you initially saw him as a 'safe place' and it's hard to now be realising that he's yet another toxic person in your life/your dd's life when you thought you had found a happy ending. I feel for you OP, I think you're very strong, you've left a bad relationship already for the sake of your child and you can do it again. Your happy ending is still out there

waterrat · 06/04/2024 15:47

Sounds like you have a pattern of being attracted to angry men - sorry Op it must be tough when this guy is an old friend. but quick to anger - very very dangerous quality in a man.

Free yourself for you and your child sake and live in peace

Dery · 06/04/2024 15:49

@Samcro7 - sorry you had a very unhappy childhood. You need to be able to be single for a while and provide for yourself and your daughter. Otherwise, you’ll make bad relationship choices.

AltitudeCheck · 06/04/2024 16:15

Perhaps he needs to explore why he feels the need to be your provider & saviour rather than an equal partner. Why does he need you to be in his debt and gratefull for his 'sacrifices'? Is it just a control thing or is he repeating a pattern he saw growing up? Perhaps he might also benefit from speaking to someone.

BMW6 · 06/04/2024 16:24

Your living in the past OP. He made you feel safe when you were young and having terrible times at home, but he's NOT that boy now. He's all grown up and has issues of his own that are making your child feel like you used to.

Protect your child and end this abusive relationship. Because it is. You aren't seeing him as he is now.

UrbanFan · 06/04/2024 16:30

Why oh why would you stay with this man. I never understand why women put men before themselves and especially why they put a man before their children. For goodness sake put your child first and end this relationship. You are an adult and you have a responsibility to care for another little human being. You do not love this man at all or you would not have written here to complain about it.

CheeryFish · 06/04/2024 16:30

Noseybookworm · 06/04/2024 15:44

He's being harsh with your little 4 year old girl and you have to ask if you should end the relationship? Yes, of course you should. He sounds like he's controlling when it comes finances and you sounds nervous about his angry reaction to any discussion. This is a big red flag.

Finally, he feels the need to remind you of all that he has given up to be with you. What exactly does he think he's given up?

OP I think you know what you have to do here. Don't stay with him because you're afraid to be on your own. You will be ok, you need to concentrate on working through things in therapy including why you are choosing abusive controlling partners. I'm so sorry to hear about your awful childhood 💐 give yourself the time and freedom to heal.

Good advice.

She does need to put her child first.

She chooses her child's situation...it certainly isn't a safe one.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/04/2024 16:34

Child abuse cases so often involve stepparents. You say he 'loves' your child but from my viewpoint, he's only been with you two years and the child is only four and not his. Please slow down on this relationship, I don't believe he loves your child, sorry, and you shouldn't be living together.

chrisfromcardiff · 06/04/2024 16:36

Samcro7 · 06/04/2024 12:30

I'm honestly scared to go back to being on my own again. I think in Childhood he was my safe place and it's carried on. We were best friends all our lives and I had a very unhappy childhood, he was my only source of happiness. But his temper and the way he obviously views me and my child baffles me. I have offered to pay more for things etc but he always says he wants to be the provider and pay and be responsible for everything.

So as long as you feel "safe" it doesn't matter that your daughter does not?

Takenoprisoner · 06/04/2024 16:41

call the police to remove him from your home if he doesn't go willingly. please stay safe, this man is highly manipulative and abusive to you both.

Do you have any family or friends who can come and be with you for a bit while he leaves?

please stop telling yourself he loves you and your child, he doesn't. he only wants to control you and your lives.

Absolutely get rid and do the freedom programme.

Venturini · 06/04/2024 16:58

He’s an abusive piece of shit. Throw him out, keep up the therapy and learn how to be alone before launching into another abusive relationship at your daughters expense. Break the cycle. Protect your daughter.

JPGR · 06/04/2024 17:02

Please be strong and do the right think for you daughter. She is an innocent 4 year old. His behaviour to her is not going to get any better as she gets older. Be strong. You can do this. You don't need a man like that in your life.

thebestinterest · 06/04/2024 17:02

Tf is wrong with you? He’s holding all this help he provides over your head and you’re asking for advice? If the relationship is hit or miss, why are you sticking around?

thebestinterest · 06/04/2024 17:04

Samcro7 · 06/04/2024 12:30

🤢 seriously? You need to work on your self esteem AND self control, OP. That’s ridiculous

WhiteLeopard · 06/04/2024 17:05

He was your safe place when you were both children. He isn't any more

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/04/2024 17:05

A "normal" relationship is happy and respectful. That is all you need to know. It's hard for you because you had an abusive childhood, then an abusive partner in your DD's father, but you are repeating the same mistake. Definitely get this man out of your home and your DD's life. You may decide to carry on dating him but his attitude towards you needs to change. You're a kind and caring mum so concentrate on that for now. Recognise your own value and worth and don't settle for less than you and your child deserve.

BringItOnxxx · 06/04/2024 17:05

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to end this. You'll be able to stop the cycle of abuse.

Takenoprisoner · 06/04/2024 17:25

N4ish · 06/04/2024 13:14

No man who was ‘harsh’ with my 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed near her again. Beware of men who want to control all the finances, it’s a huge red flag for control and abuse. He knows you’re vulnerable because of your childhood and is taking advantage of that.

All of this.

he is abusing your tiny 4 year old child, this is heartbreaking to read

Ryegait · 06/04/2024 17:35

I'm sorry OP but you are romantacising - he's not your best friend, he's not working with you on this to make a harmonious home, the relationship already is too difficult and it shouldn't be this hard. Your daughters needs must come first.

Time to cut him loose.

CheeryFish · 06/04/2024 17:55

Takenoprisoner · 06/04/2024 17:25

All of this.

he is abusing your tiny 4 year old child, this is heartbreaking to read

Show quote history

This is hard to read.

This child has now been in 2 abusive relationships at 4 years old.

The mother should damn well know what it's like for her child....and do something about it.

She really should know what to do she has been through it herself

OP You don't want to be alone ....you'r not you have a child.

You want to be in a safe place..... you are not and mainly your child isn't either.

Who minds your child when you work full-time?

Parrilalilalila · 06/04/2024 18:03

Is there ever a choice? Daughter or man?
Ltb quick

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/04/2024 18:21

He wasn't your safe place. He isn't your safe place. He was only ever your least worst option when you had been surrounded by more openly abusive people.

He's going to be your jailer and the source of the majority of your daughter's childhood trauma. Because he's the least worst of what you have experienced so far.

Tell him he's right, it's over. There's a chance that he'll then refuse to leave, but that's where the Police and Women's Aid can help.

SantasRubiksCube · 06/04/2024 18:25

Break the cycle now, you had an abusive childhood, have had an abusive relationship in the past and are in one now. If you don't give your daughter examples that abusive behaviour shouldn't be tolerated then in 20 something years time she will be here saying the same thing 'i had an abusive childhood and am in an abusive relationship' you and her deserve better

CheeryFish · 06/04/2024 18:54

IMO, the OP is acting just as abusive as him [if not worse] because she is her child's last line of defense.

Surely her therapist would not agree to her being with him.

OP, have you told the therapist about the situation you have put yourself in

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2024 18:58

He’s abusive to your daughter and financially abusive to you. What are you doing with him? He’s not your ‘safe place’, he’s fucking horrible. Wake up, OP.

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