to ask why some people NEVER ASK QUESTIONS !!!

[stressedout1994]

Just that really! I always hear friends complaining about going on dates with men who never ask questions - they can rattle through a 20 minute schpiel about themselves without pausing to breath or ask a single question!

I have a friend who never, ever asks any questions. It makes her seem really myopic and self-absorbed. I know it sounds uncharitable, but it has got markedly worse since she had children. WIBU to stop seeing her because I find it a bit irritating?

Iv realised I'm more than likely ND. I won't ask questions because in my head I feel I'm being rude and intrusive and if they want to tell me they would. Then I see posts like this that call people like me rude. I'm more than happy to volunteer info about myself then hope the other person reciprocates their information.

I have one acquaintance who just ask me questions and doesn't volunteer any information. It's like she is waiting for me to ask like it's some kind of nasty game

I was raised that it was incredibly impolite and nosy to ask anything except the most open ended of questions. You could ask clarifying questions if someone lead a conversation in a direction, but never dig into detail that wasn't freely offered.

So "how are you?", "how's your week been?" are acceptable. If someone had previously mentioned something, it was OK to bring that up in passing but not to ask anything specific about it e.g. "You had that doctors appt this week, didn't you?" So if they didn't want to talk about it they could just say yes and move the conversation on. Asking "how did your doctors appt go?" would be considered really rude even though it sounds very similar.

I remember being shocked going to the hairdresser and being asked if I had a holiday booked, because my parents would consider that very impolite, because what if someone couldn't afford a holiday? In fact any questions that might inadvertently reveal someone's financial situation were the worst so that rules out asking about job, where they live, holidays, cars, possibly hobbies. It was a right balancing act keeping a conversation going with those restrictions!

😂 we seem to have met the same people!

I do wish more people were aware when it comes to Neuro diversity; there really isn't any excuse when there's lots of awareness campaigns - you just need an inquisitive open mind with the ability to listen and learn! Glad you've found good friends who make you feel comfortable as Masking sounds absolutely exhausting.

Responding with your own story rarely does show you know how they feel. You are not them, and your story probably isn't as similar as you think.

The absolute classic is the person who answers your family bereavement with a tale of how they felt when their pet died. This happens often 😬 Even if the bereaved person's kind enough to understand why you're doing that, you've effectively trampled all over their grief with The Story Of You, making their distress a vehicle for your own showboating.

Empathy isn't "I had a vaguely similar experience, I'll tell you all about it."
It's more "That must be difficult, how are you coping?"

Same with things like holidays. If they went to Tenerife, don't jump right in with your holiday to Elevenerife 😂 Ask them how the weather/food was, would they go back there, would they recommend it.

As someone who tends to ask a lot of questions I would be considered incredibly rude then 😅I never knew that this was a thing. I am curious how do you get to know someone in a social situation then? Do you let others lead and let them tell you about themselves? Is it different once you know someone well? I am in no way criticising, I'm just genuinely curious.

I don’t enjoy conversation with people like this, I’ve met a few of them over the years. I get that no one wants to feel like they’re being interviewed but equally, most people don’t really enjoy being monologued at. It just instantly makes me see the person as self-absorbed and not want to bother with them. If I wanted to hear someone talk all about themselves for an hour, I’d pay to go to one of those ‘an audience with…’ talks in a theatre.

If a friend is going through something big in their lives then of course when we get together, I’ll expect to hear all about them and what is going on, but otherwise, pleasant conversations usually consist of each party asking about the other person’s life and interests etc.

I think neurodivergence can be an explanation in some cases but there are plenty of NT people who do it.

How on earth do you form connections with other people if you never ask them anything about themselves? Were your parents entirely isolated? Very strange.

We were taught the opposite- don’t bang on about yourself /ask others about their lives / really listen to the answers. But my mother is the most socially adept person I’ve ever met with hundreds of friends. They had to hire a hall when she retired for her party and it was packed so she’s doing something right!

My. mIL is like this. It’s excruciating. She comes to pick my kids up once a week and I dread going home because I have no idea any more what to ask her.

she’s has known me for 30 years without ever asking me a question about anything like my job. Since FIL died, we have to have her for every big occasion (previously didn’t come). It puts a massive strain on Christmas, Mother’s Day etc. next Mother’s Day im
going out all day to get away.

Oh its a nightmare tbh and I'm glad I've learnt how not to do it for non-family interactions. But the flipside of not asking questions is you're supposed to be good at starting a trail of conversation, or offering information about yourself to see if they pick up on anything.

So "We were watching Wimbledon the other day, and I remembered how much I enjoyed playing it when I was younger but I'd be rubbish now"
Possible topics: they watched Wimbledon, sports they also enjoyed when young, hobbies they now have, things they've stopped doing. Or they could use it to redirect the conversation, "Oh Jeremy always wants to watch the golf but I'd much rather watch blah blah blah" and then you know they don't like tennis and can delve into what they do want to discuss.

Was that at me? As odd as it may sound, my parents are incredibly popular. I think they have a knack of making the no/few questions work and my Mum always ends up with people confiding in her because she doesn't pry. She just listens and then will say things like, "gosh that must have been difficult" and allows people to keep going.

I’m astounded that everyone is having conversations where the other person has questions or it’s a monologue. Having paid more attention to the conversations today, other then my hairdresser which is a very question-response based relationship, all of my conversations have been one person telling a short story, the next person picking up on an aspect of that and telling a related story and so on so forth (eg “I watched this on Netflix the other day, it was really good” “great, I’ll add to my to watch list. I’ve been watching this recently” “oh we tried that but didn’t get on with it for XYZ reason” … another example “oh I haven’t seen you since I got back from Spain” with a short story about Spain, then “oh we’ve never been there but we have booked to go to Milan later this year to see Taylor Swift” “oh my sister is taking her kids to Taylor Swift but in Liverpool”)

@DaisyHaites, yes that sounds like normal conversation to me with people you know reasonably well or are at least acquainted with, but if you’re meeting someone for the first time or talking to someone you’re only just getting to know, conversation will usually involve some questions. If I haven’t seen a friend for a while, we might have questions for each other: ‘what have you been up to?’ ‘How are Max’s driving lessons going? Are you still househunting? That sort of thing- and then anecdotes and stories usually follow.

The eyes glazing over thing is very common with certain people I've known over the years
The minute the conversation isn't about them you can see the ' off switch ' in their eyes
That's when I tend to dry up because you then know your on a loser trying to say anything about yourself

@Garlicked Well, like I said, I've learned that all people really want are basic sentences that I (and I think other ND people) would consider quite empty and vapid 😂

It's not about attempting to one up anyone when we story share (and I wouldn't make irrelevant comparisons either as what's the point of that?), it's truly about trying to make a connection. If someone tells me their parent has cancer for example, surely it's more meaningful for me to say 'I understand how hard it is, my dad had cancer too' as then they know I genuinely mean what I'm saying.

Anyway, I stick to doing things the NT way even if I think it's daft 😂

Self-centredness. A nasty trait. I can witter on for ages about my problems, but I try to always ask them genuinely how they are too.

1 of the mums from primary, within a group who regularly met up, it took me ages to realise that not once over the years had she ever asked me anything, about me, the boys, nothing. In the end I just avoided her.

Haha same.

IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING WHY NOT JUST SAY IT!!!

I find all this snivelling about never being asked anything really childish. We’re all grown ups, stop acting like your life is a state secret where information needs to be elicited from you and just tell them how your bloody weekend has been.

Yep, that's how conversations work. But they don't usually start:

Hello friend

Hello Daisy

I've just started a new show on Netflix blah blah!

There's usually a 'what have you been up to?' Type intro unless you're talking to a 5 year old. And that's the bit some of us aren't getting from the people we interact with.

The point is that many people who monologue don’t leave any gap for the other person to join in. They just broadcast at you. Like they’re making a speech.

I find it rude, unless I know or suspect that the person is ND, in which case I am more tolerant to it.

A friend’s H monologues, mostly about politics. It’s boring. Another acquaintance I knew on the school run used to talk endlessly about her boys and nothing else. She never asked about or showed any interest in other people’s children.

That's what makes it so maddening. If he had just asked for the flight number then he would have had the answers to all the questions (apart from how we were getting to the airport...which bought another barrage of question btw), at his fingertips.

Many poor conversationalists revealing that they are poor conversationalists on this thread...

Be more clear that you only want people who agree with you to respond in future.

Yes, I agree it's very very obvious.

Daughters friend's mum suggested a meal out after pre teens had done a short activity yesterday.

The mum literally made no conversation. I asked about her holidays- she answers no query back.

I asked about and made chat about all sorts of random shit. Nothing. Just silence unless it was direct question eg how was your meal.

I never want to go out with them again as it was so awkward.

I don't care about her knowing stuff about me. I don't care that I didn't get to "share" - it's not that kind of relationship (thank fuck) but why say so little??? It just makes something we are doing for the kids plain awful.

Fwiw I'm autistic and struggle socially a lot but I've also masked for years and have a job where I have to do the same. I still managed basic chat.

To be clear I didn't dominate conversation or say that much myself. Just tried to keep some chat going as it was painful.

Urgh that sounds like hard work and I can imagine your day being ruined after that interaction. In her casr, she sounds totally lazy and expects you to do the heavy lifting with no consideration on the toll it takes on you. I think both types of people are equally as bad - the monologuers and the completely silent types. Selfishness personified. I'm sure if she dug deep she could have come up with something to ask / say even if it's about the weather or planned holidays etc. But clearly she couldn't be bothered ! Well done for getting through it though, it must have been exhausting