to ask why some people NEVER ASK QUESTIONS !!!

[stressedout1994]

Just that really! I always hear friends complaining about going on dates with men who never ask questions - they can rattle through a 20 minute schpiel about themselves without pausing to breath or ask a single question!

I have a friend who never, ever asks any questions. It makes her seem really myopic and self-absorbed. I know it sounds uncharitable, but it has got markedly worse since she had children. WIBU to stop seeing her because I find it a bit irritating?

You can ask questions in a way that opens up the opportunity to have conversation but doesn’t force people to say more than you want. In response to someone telling you they have been in hospital:

Nosy and rude: Why? What is wrong with you?
Interested but not pushy: I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it isn’t something serious. Are you feeling ok now? (Or along those lines).

@TheaBrandt I will look that up, thank you. She is a great edition to the today programme but will miss her on women's hour!

I can be like this, I don't like talking about myself, I've always felt like the 'poorer' person in interactions so even quite normal small talk type questions make me feel very aware of my insecurities and I don't want others to feel like that - but not asking them about themselves also comes across as rude.

Also not picking up on conversational cliffhangers can be a sign of autism (which DD has) and although I don't think I do my conversational skills with peers is definitely lacking, I'll unintentionally interrupt and speak over people, not pick up on conversation extenders. The person that assessed DD said they didn't have a to and from for more than 4 turns and I'm not sure I've ever done that either with a peer anyway, wth children I'm great.

Good for her I say.

I have to make a lot of conversation with the general public as part of my work. Most people are nice - they are interested and interesting.

I have to say that yes, there is a certain type of chap, quite often of a certain age who appear to think that all other people want to do is hear their opinions. Even if they ask you yours in a really token way, they often give you 2s to speak before monologuing away.

I had a well known local bore come into the shop the other day. What did I think about a certain environmental issue? I opened my mouth to speak and he ploughed ahead: "....because what I think is this." Off he went.

Politeness left the building. I said "Do excuse me, I'm busy" and walked away.

Wow 😮

what happens after that?

People are so sensitive and even seemingly innocuous questions appear to trigger them. It’s really a minefield asking anything.

Carrying the conversational weight is exhausting and I'm slowly trying to ease myself out of the habit. I had a friend years ago who would never ask a question or if she did, it would be of the closed type e.g ' how's your mother?'from which you'd think this was an invitation to converse but she'd listen to my answer, say ' hmmmm ' and move on to another topic. I concluded that she was asking out of politeness and not genuine interest. She'd never remember anything about the details of my life either, so for instance if I'd told her up was starting a new job, at the next meeting she wouldn't ask how it was going or did I like my new colleagues or how was I finding the new responsibilities etc ect, I'd only get a generic ' how's work?'followed by next topic.

Yet she could talk for hours about her daughter and I'd always remember to ask follow up questions on things she had previously told me, like her daughters new maths teacher or her friendship callouts etc.

I let the friendship go in the end. She wasn't a bad person, just very boring, one dimensional and self absorbed. If it wasn't directly about her she wasn't interested. I'd feel drained after every meeting, mentally frazzled from asking all the questions and giving thoughtful replies whilst neglecting any of the things I wanted to discuss.

What really irks me is when someone (usually a work colleague) expects me to always ask after their extended family & gets miffed if I forget that someone has had a health issue etc but never asks after my family at all. Narcissism I guess.

Thats true

I KNOW it's annoying and I work on it. But I was raised by OTT parents and asking to them or when chatting with family or friends meant questioning (ie akin to suggesting theybwere liars) or prying and meant getting slapped for rudeness.

Dating is so horrendous for this, a friend and I used to play a game where we’d compare notes on what our latest dates had learnt about us on date 1 versus what we had learnt about them. With the worst it was things like she’d heard about his sister’s boyfriend’s hobbies while he hadn’t even learnt what her job was.

I feel some people genuinely struggle with this though, those who don’t seem exactly self absorbed but perhaps shy or a bit overly introverted. I’ve been asked to meet up by a man and a woman (different times) like this before, both times I found it excruciating as I had to make all the conversation while they just sat there and only responded to direct questions… and both times got messages afterwards saying what a lovely time they’d had and asking me to meet up again. Managed to avoid a repeat but I do wonder WHY some people are like this, and why they don’t realise that it’s selfish behaviour as a PP said re free therapy.

I do have a horrendous memory though, so may not remember about when your new job starts - doesn’t mean I don’t care. Can’t be the only one!

Yep, ironically my memory is crap too, but I'd overcome it by sticking stuff is been told in my diary if it were important enough. It's no excuse, if you genuinely care and are interested in your friends lives, you'll go the extra step.

Quite a lot of people cannot bear others to have done or achieved anything. Other people’s achievements make them feel crushed or diminished. They don’t ask questions because they are afraid of the answers.

Many are just not interested. At all. You can see them glaze over as soon as other people begin to speak. Frankly, I’m not interested in other people’s jobs or their new sofa or the ‘hilarious’ thing their toddler said.

For a lot of people every social occasion is an opportunity to boast and big themselves up in some way. They listen to themselves speak far more attentively than they listen to anyone else.

But how does that work if you meet someone like you?
You say hello; then they say hello then what?
Surely someone asks a question to get the conversation going or do you just launch into a spiel about your life?

My mum is like this. She will go on for hours and hours about herself, minute unnecessary detail and not ask one single question about my life. One time we were driving and I thought I'd try staying quiet - not asking her how her day was, or what's the latest with her hobby etc, just to see what would happen. We sat in silence. Even when it was excruciating she still didn't ask me a question/start a conversation that involved me replying. In the end I folded and asked her about her club and off she went on an hour long monologue.

Some people say it could be age (she's only in her 60's!) but I tend to think there's just a complete lack of interest - if they were interested they'd ask! Simple as that. And no, I'm not talking about interrogations or boundary stepping questions - just regular everyday, how are you? How's work? Kids? - if they cared they'd ask.

I have ADHD. It’s a well known symptom that question asking doesn’t come naturally and stating a similar story is a way of connecting:showing empathy for people with ADHD.

I do have a list of questions I’ve learned to stick into the conversation to make it flow a bit. But it is certainly not a natural thing. My conversation would be I make a statement the other person makes s statement which might or might not be connected to mine. I find questions and answers pointless, limited and boring whichever side I’m on,

Yeah it’s laziness, some people just don’t give a toss about anyone apart from themselves. Or they are just really boring and can’t think of anything!

Tbh one of my most annoying friends is the one who interrupts you really loudly to talk over you with her story. I don’t need questions to be able to hold a conversation with people, but it’s so annoying when you get your chance to speak, then get spoken over and not listened to.

Yes to this.

My mother was incredibly strict about this, and (impolitely, behind their backs, oh the irony) criticised people she knew who asked such questions.

It took me years to overcome the conditioning.

For those who jace friends who interrupt, become disengaged. Etc it is possible that they are struggling with neurodiversity.
This guide from the ADD society is quite helpful in learning how to structure a conversation to overcome some of the challenges faced by people with ADd/ADHD with conversations.

it’s not because they are “lazy”,”rude”or “self obsessed “ it’s just conversations are difficult.

Friendships are meant to add happiness to your life and are not compulsory. If this one has become less joyful and just earbashing then reduce or stop seeing the person.

It’s quite common unfortunately! One of my oldest friends is like this and it really means I don’t enjoy spending time with her. She is quite self absorbed and I don’t think she really has any genuine interest in other people.

My in-laws are like this too, but it’s slightly different with them - I think they’re of the view asking questions is rude.

I agree with PPs that a good conversation isn’t just about asking questions and asking too many can feel forced or a bit much.

But I think though generally the people who don’t ask questions are generally poor listeners - asking questions is one way of showing interest, but it can also be shown by general encouragement and interest.

Well I assume you didn’t ask about the colleague’s children, thereby proving you don’t need to wait to be asked about something to talk about it.

I rarely ask questions, other than a vague and open ended “how are you?” or “anything new?”. I don’t want to intrude and raise something you don’t want to talk about. If you have something you want to tell me, tell me - don’t make me drag it out of you.

To the PP who mentioned the art of conversation, is the art of conversation asking questions? Or is it the ability to converse back and forth organically about a range of subjects…

Oh so it’s you! Yes, conversation is maintaining a healthy interest in the other person otherwise it’s like you transmitting all the time and never receiving