Page 5 | to ask why some people NEVER ASK QUESTIONS !!!

stressedout1994 · 2024-04-05T10:33:59+00:00

Just that really! I always hear friends complaining about going on dates with men who never ask questions - they can rattle through a 20 minute schpiel about themselves without pausing to breath or ask a single question! I have a friend who never, ever asks any questions. It makes her seem really myopic and self-absorbed. I know it sounds uncharitable, but it has got markedly worse since she had children. WIBU to stop seeing her because I find it a bit irritating?

MILTOBE · 05/04/2024 18:11

Yes, but a listening skills course is different. If you started volunteering for the Samaritans, it wouldn't be good if you tried to direct the conversation.

If someone at work has just been away on holiday, though, asking questions about where they went and follow on questions about whether they liked their hotel, what the food was like, etc, is just showing a pleasant interest.

Obviously if someone shone a light in your eye and demanded to know the cost of the holiday and how many times you had sex while you were there, that's completely intrusive!

BrunhildefromDusseldorf · 05/04/2024 18:13

I hear you. It's an issue with both sexes in my experience. Regarding online dating, I now just block men who can't be bothered to ask me anything. Ditto the ones who make it to date stage and act like they are an important podcast guest that I'm lucky enough to be interviewing. Mind-boggling.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/04/2024 18:19

If someone at work has just been away on holiday, though, asking questions about where they went and follow on questions about whether they liked their hotel, what the food was like, etc, is just showing a pleasant interest.

I would ask about someone’s holiday, but can find out the rest, if someone wants to share, without needing to ask about the accommodation, food etc. There are lots of ways to show a pleasant interest without questions.

And yes, listening for someone like the Samaritans is a particular skill but people who train in those types of skills usually report improved social relationships due to their ability to listen better.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 05/04/2024 18:26

If someone at work has just been away on holiday, though, asking questions about where they went and follow on questions about whether they liked their hotel, what the food was like, etc, is just showing a pleasant interest.

Obviously if someone shone a light in your eye and demanded to know the cost of the holiday and how many times you had sex while you were there, that's completely intrusive!

Totally agree but it's amazing how even on this thread some people act as if they don't understand the nuanced difference between the two approaches. It's like everything is only ever binary, or black and white. It's either rude to ask questions, or rude not to.

TempersFuggit · 05/04/2024 18:27

yeahandno · 05/04/2024 15:59

My mum is like this. She will go on for hours and hours about herself, minute unnecessary detail and not ask one single question about my life. One time we were driving and I thought I'd try staying quiet - not asking her how her day was, or what's the latest with her hobby etc, just to see what would happen. We sat in silence. Even when it was excruciating she still didn't ask me a question/start a conversation that involved me replying. In the end I folded and asked her about her club and off she went on an hour long monologue.

Some people say it could be age (she's only in her 60's!) but I tend to think there's just a complete lack of interest - if they were interested they'd ask! Simple as that. And no, I'm not talking about interrogations or boundary stepping questions - just regular everyday, how are you? How's work? Kids? - if they cared they'd ask.

My mum's a bit like this too - sometimes I quite enjoy it all washing over me, but if I have something I want to get across I just say 'oh by the way, DD got in to sixth form' or just start talking over her. She doesn't mind at all, it's like she is just filling the silence, rather than not interested.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/04/2024 18:34

Reasons can differ, shyness & low confidence in communicating or lack of interest in other people but sometimes there are people who are just very content to go with the flow and don't feel the need to do conversation starters. My DH is very much like this whereas I'm a non stop talker. I used to think it was very strange but I appreciate him now. Others don't ask questions because they are not bright, as in inquisitive but too much emphasis is placed on performative questioning of others when there isn't really a genuine interest in the response.

Jux · 05/04/2024 18:40

Drives me bonkers - dh never asks anything and when I or dd complain about it he says he assumes if we've got anything to say then we'll say it, don't need him to ask. Time after time I've told him at least it would show he's interested, to no avail.

He won't even ask when he doesn't understand or 'get' something. He'll translate it in his head into something he can make into something he can work with and that's it, assumes that he's got it right. THAT is a pita. It can reign in discussion which is a serious negative. I'm still only just beginning to understand how he works; partly because it was so unbelievable to me that people even can work like that!

GingerPirate · 05/04/2024 19:09

Because they're not F interested or don't like small talk, or prefer their own company and their own thoughts.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/04/2024 19:52

I have a friend from uni who I see a few times a year. I can spend a whole day with him without him asking me one question. It is extraordinary.

ChalkItDownToExperience · 05/04/2024 19:59

Devonbabs · 05/04/2024 16:16

For those who jace friends who interrupt, become disengaged. Etc it is possible that they are struggling with neurodiversity.
This guide from the ADD society is quite helpful in learning how to structure a conversation to overcome some of the challenges faced by people with ADd/ADHD with conversations.

it’s not because they are “lazy”,”rude”or “self obsessed “ it’s just conversations are difficult.

I agree with this. But I have noticed there is a marked difference with women vs male ND communication difficulties. My make friend is autistic and he will literally talk at me, ask no questions, and is only interested in anything I say if it relates to a topic he's interested in. but he gets a free pass, he's not intentionally rude and there's no I'll intent - it's just who he is and that's all good! My female autistic friend on the other hand masks an awful lot and will hold back from contributing due to anxiety with saying the wrong thing or fear of hogging the conversation and is more likely to be put in the role of listener.

Devonbabs · 05/04/2024 20:10

ChalkItDownToExperience · 05/04/2024 19:59

I agree with this. But I have noticed there is a marked difference with women vs male ND communication difficulties. My make friend is autistic and he will literally talk at me, ask no questions, and is only interested in anything I say if it relates to a topic he's interested in. but he gets a free pass, he's not intentionally rude and there's no I'll intent - it's just who he is and that's all good! My female autistic friend on the other hand masks an awful lot and will hold back from contributing due to anxiety with saying the wrong thing or fear of hogging the conversation and is more likely to be put in the role of listener.

Show quote history

I think it does present very differently in different people. Yes generally women are more likely to be forced to keep quiet to fit in.

i love talking to othecND people. There’s not such worry about judgement (see all these comments about lazy, self centred etc. I know, unless I heavily mask that’s what people think.

I wish there was better awareness. I’m really glad you recognise this is part of your friends ND.

wish more people would be less judgemental

Decorhate · 05/04/2024 20:15

Hartley99 · 05/04/2024 15:56

Quite a lot of people cannot bear others to have done or achieved anything. Other people’s achievements make them feel crushed or diminished. They don’t ask questions because they are afraid of the answers.

Many are just not interested. At all. You can see them glaze over as soon as other people begin to speak. Frankly, I’m not interested in other people’s jobs or their new sofa or the ‘hilarious’ thing their toddler said.

For a lot of people every social occasion is an opportunity to boast and big themselves up in some way. They listen to themselves speak far more attentively than they listen to anyone else.

I think the first paragraph is spot on about one colleague in particular.

Treeinthesky · 05/04/2024 20:24

Tbh, people say I ask too many questions. People hate been asked questions and I don't know how to communicate without asking questions 🙄 think I'm autistic or adhd though. But how do you communicate without asking questions

whyismysoupcold · 05/04/2024 20:27

Dontcallmescarface · 05/04/2024 14:35

I have a family member that is the opposite and it drives me insane. A recent example is when me and DP went away last year. We got

" When is your flight"
"Who are you flying with"
"What time do you take off/land"
"How long is the stop-over"
"What are the menu options"
"How are you getting to the airport"
"What terminal are you flying from"

On and on it went. If it had been the other way around my questions would have been

"what time do you leave/land and what are you planning to do when you get there?" and that's it.

I think I am your family member, especially when it comes to flying 🤣 The only thing I wouldn't ask about are menu options.

I always like to know flight numbers so I can track progress 😌

Wanttolikekimchee · 05/04/2024 20:28

Poor social skills

CameltoeParkerBowles · 05/04/2024 20:29

ChalkItDownToExperience · 05/04/2024 15:09

Carrying the conversational weight is exhausting and I'm slowly trying to ease myself out of the habit. I had a friend years ago who would never ask a question or if she did, it would be of the closed type e.g ' how's your mother?'from which you'd think this was an invitation to converse but she'd listen to my answer, say ' hmmmm ' and move on to another topic. I concluded that she was asking out of politeness and not genuine interest. She'd never remember anything about the details of my life either, so for instance if I'd told her up was starting a new job, at the next meeting she wouldn't ask how it was going or did I like my new colleagues or how was I finding the new responsibilities etc ect, I'd only get a generic ' how's work?'followed by next topic.

Yet she could talk for hours about her daughter and I'd always remember to ask follow up questions on things she had previously told me, like her daughters new maths teacher or her friendship callouts etc.

I let the friendship go in the end. She wasn't a bad person, just very boring, one dimensional and self absorbed. If it wasn't directly about her she wasn't interested. I'd feel drained after every meeting, mentally frazzled from asking all the questions and giving thoughtful replies whilst neglecting any of the things I wanted to discuss.

I know a few people like this. I have come to know pretty much everything about them over the years, but they couldn't tell you my children's names, or indeed anything about me at all. Occasionally, when pricked by their conscience to not bore on endlessly about their lives, they may ask me how I'm getting on in the industry I left ten years ago....
Boring, self-absorbed twats...

museumum · 05/04/2024 20:35

To be honest I often find myself on the back foot with questions in small talk situations.
for example at a kids pick up
Them: hi
Me: hi
Them: how are you?
Me: good. You?
Them: yeh good. got any plans for Easter?
me: not much, we’ll be seeing family on Sunday probably too much chocolate.
them: we’ll have a good time. Bye.
me: bye (realises I haven’t asked about their Easter, feel terrible and self absorbed)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 20:38

I think people talk too much. Much too much and it's mostly not the glittering conversation they imagine it to be either.

I enjoy talking (a little) about world affairs, travel and a bit of industry chat if I'm with a colleague but I'm not particularly keen to get involved in personal conversations.

I suppose it depends very much on the people we're out with.. People on this thread have their own experiences in mind and that is shaping their responses. I presume that like calls to like? There's too much criticism and not enough scope for people to live and let live, it's extremely prevalent on this chatboard. Everybody has to think and feel the same or they are not accepted. I think that's a bit sad.

Robinkitty · 05/04/2024 20:43

My ex boyfriend was incapable of asking questions.. the first time he met my parents he gave a monologue on his laminate flooring but didn’t ask them a single question about themselves.. they are very interesting people and endless questions he could have asked it was strange.
i had a hospital appointment once and told him I was going, he didn’t ask me what it was for even when I told him it had gone well and I had no follow up required… I just didn’t understand that.

ByUmberViewer · 05/04/2024 20:48

I love how all the monologuers here are justifying their boring arses by saying it's rude to ask questions. 😀

SoupChicken · 05/04/2024 20:53

For me it’s because when I was younger, and I was very obviously a shy, nervous sort of person, some horrible people I worked with made me feel bad for asking what I now realise were perfectly normal questions, they reacted quite rudely and told me I was nosey.

It’s taken me years to realise they were just nasty and enjoyed making me feel like something they’d scraped off their shoe. For years I was terrified to ask people questions about themselves in case they thought I was prying or for fear they’d be rude to me.

AllLopsided · 05/04/2024 21:08

I ask myself the same question... I have a 'friend' who is a monologuer - I can spend 2 hours with her and she won't ask how I am, or anything about what's going on in my life. I just get a never ending rant about her divorce (which isn't new news), her kids and random stuff she's doing to her house. I can't get a word in edgewise. I find I get so overwhelmed by the rambling that I can't find a way to change the subject, or turn it into a two-way conversation. If I do get a word in she just turns the talk back to herself. I think she is short of people to talk to, but I find I have to limit our contact because it's exhausting.

Devonbabs · 05/04/2024 21:12

ByUmberViewer · 05/04/2024 20:48

I love how all the monologuers here are justifying their boring arses by saying it's rude to ask questions. 😀

I love how there’s a contingent on here failing to understand many people have very valid reasons for their communication style.

I’d rather someone monologues than asks boring ass questions or answers same questions with a response you can predict within 2 words of them starting. I actually love people who monologue.

Orangeandgold · 05/04/2024 21:18

I had a friend like that. We would be on the phone for a hours and she would tell me all about her life. Never asked me anything about mine and was shocked when I would tell her things that happened in my life - because she would never really ask.

In adulthood it became tiring. One day I realised I knew a lot about her but if I asked her to summarise my year, she wouldn’t have a clue.

IsawwhatIsaw · 05/04/2024 21:22

I have a job that requires me to talk to people, initiate conversations and listen.

So maybe it’s because now I’m older and less tolerant and don’t want to spend precious time with people outside work who appear totally disinterested in my life.

Got one friend who in a zoom call of an hour and a half never asked me anything.
everything was about her and her problems and issues. By the end I was absolutely exhausted and frustrated. This has happened so many times, so now I’m letting things drift. I’ve stopped seeing other people too because there’s zero reciprocity and that’s not a friendship